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    Archive for 2009

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    Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Test

    | Michigan, USA |

    (Me and my mom are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

    Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

    Employee: “Who drove you here?”

    Driver: “I drove myself.”

    Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

    Driver: “Yes.”

    Employee: “That could be a problem…”

    Guess The Magician & Clowns Are Out Too

    | Davie, FL, USA |

    (I work at a party store that sells balloons. A middle-aged woman comes up to me and the following takes place.)

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “…do y’all sell, like…balloons for funerals?”

    Me: “I’m sorry…what?”

    Customer: “You know, like balloons for a funeral…like, ‘Sorry For Your Loss’…”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “OK, thanks!” *leaves*

    Your One-Stop Shop For Addictive Substances

    , | Manchester, CT, USA |

    (An older lady came in to the store I worked at looking for the Playstation game “Croc”.)

    Customer: “Hey! Y’all got crack?”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Crack!”

    Me: “Do you mean…Everquest?”

    Customer: “NO, D***IT, I WANT CRACK. You know, little alligator be runnin’ ’round ‘n s***.”

    Me: “…do you mean ‘Croc’?”

    Customer: “Crack, Croc, whatever!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, right here…” *rings up sale*

    (After the lady left, my boss came up to me.)

    Manager: “Did that lady just try to buy crack rocks from you?!”

    We Need One Of These In Every Store, Part 4

    , | Stockholm, Sweden |

    (A guy who bought a game comes back wanting a refund. The problem is that the game seal had been broken, the game disc had some nasty scratches on it, and it was 30 days past our return policy window.)

    Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve got this game here that I didn’t fully enjoy. I want a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the seal has been broken, and the disc is damaged. I can’t give you a refund for this.”

    Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! I wasn’t informed about that!”

    Me: “Sir, if you look right here on your receipt, you’ll see what rights you have. And as you can see, the 30-day return policy has expired, and the game is damaged. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “Oh no, don’t try this on me. I know my rights, due to the fact that I’m a lawyer. So you’d better think about your next move, or it could end up bad for you.”

    Me: “Hold on a second…are you threatening me?”

    Customer: “That depends on how you handle this situation.”

    (By this point, there was a large line forming in the store, and the guy standing behind my customer looked pretty pissed off.)

    Customer: “So, are you going to give me a refund or not?”

    Customer #2: *interrupting* “I’ve had it with this. You told this guy you’re a lawyer, right? And that you’re entitled to a refund, am I correct?”

    Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, that is correct.”

    Customer #2: “Here’s the deal: I know for a fact that you’re wrong. I think everyone in this store knows that you’re wrong, and the reason WHY I know this is because I AM a lawyer. What you’re doing is borderline illegal. So, may I suggest that you leave this store right now?”

    Customer: *quietly* “Well…what I was trying to tell him was…um…”

    (The customer then quickly left the store. Everyone, including myself, gave customer #2 a round of applause.)

    Related:
    We Need One Of These In Every Store, Part 3
    We Need One Of These In Every Store, Part 2
    We Need One Of These In Every Store

    The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done

    , | Germany |

    (Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

    Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

    Caller: “Oh my god! Help me! Help me!”

    Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt and where you are?”

    Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

    Me: “Your brain…stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

    Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

    (At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

    Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your…brain stopped working.”

    Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

    Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

    (I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

    Caller: “Hey, dude…”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “Is she right?”

    Me: “Who?”

    Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

    Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

    Caller: “Oh my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

    Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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