Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

(I’m a bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus Driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus Driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus Driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus Driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

(The cashier I was bagging for is a very pretty blonde girl who likes to make herself up, while I’m a fairly plain and simple girl.)

Customer: *to cashier* “Oh, my, you’re beautiful! You’ll have it made; you’ll have everything you’ll ever wanted! You’ll do well in life.”

(The customer then looks at me and pauses.)

Customer: “…you? You’ll do all right…”

Me: “…”

(I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

Alumnus: “Well, just in case — SHE’S DOING A GREAT F****** JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

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Me: *on the phone* “Good morning. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “I need to speak to a computer technician.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but nobody’s in right now. We don’t open for another twenty minutes or so. Did you want to try calling back in about half an hour?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Um… okay. Can I take a message for them to call you back?”

Customer: “No! I called NOW, so I want to talk to a computer technician NOW!”

Me: “…but there’s nobody in to take your call.”

Customer: “I need to speak with your manager.”

Me: “Uh, why?”

Customer: *angry* “I’M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THINK YOU WERE OPEN BY ANSWERING YOUR F****** PHONE!”

Me: “So… you would’ve been happier if nobody answered?”

Customer: “OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!”

Me: “I think I do. Bye now!” *click*