July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Archive for 2009

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Unhappily Ever After

| Maryland, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

Caller: “…and?”

Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

From Sprinting In Stilettos To Shin Splints & Sprains

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for high-heeled running shoes.”

Me: “Um…we don’t make high-heeled running shoes.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! I bought some here last year!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve been working here for 2 years, and I can assure you that we have never carried high-heeled running shoes.”

Customer: “Well, where can I find some?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure those don’t exist. Heels would defeat the purpose of a running shoe.”

Customer: “Fine! I’m not shopping here ever again!” *storms out*

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am!”

Delicious Deals

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

Me: “Would you like this gift wrapped?”

Customer: “Yes I would.”

Me: “OK – here’s your receipt. Just head to the back of the store in about 5 min–”

(The customer eats the receipt.)

Me: “Oh…um, you actually need that to collect your purchase from gift wrap…”

(The customer spits the receipt onto the counter.)

Customer: “It didn’t taste very good anyway.”

The End Justifies The Crazy Means

| Munich, Germany | Uncategorized

(I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

Debtor: “They’re good paintings – I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of **** that they’re good.”

Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.

Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

Me: “Ma’am…I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer…”

Me: *to my co-worker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

, | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

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