November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Archive for 2009

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Home Of The Disclaimer

| Detroit, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “…and I’d like extra tomatoes on my sandwich, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Why is it so expensive?!”

Me: “Well ma’am, you asked for cheese, bacon, and extra tomatoes. All those cost extra on the sandwich because they’re expensive products.”

Customer: “But your policy says that I can have it my way! Why am I being charged?!”

Me: “You can have it your way…you just have to pay for it.”

Thanks For Shopping At Quadruped, Inc.

| Springfield, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(I witnessed this interaction between a girl and her dad.)

Dad: “Are you as picky about your toilet paper as your ex-step mom was?”

Girl: “No, not really.”

Dad: “OK, grab one of those then.”

(The girl reaches for a pack that’s on its side.)

Dad: “No, no, not that one. I want one that hasn’t been touched by human hands!”

Girl: “Are you saying the store employees aren’t human?”

Dad: “Well, you’ve seen them…you be the judge.”

(I had to walk off so they wouldn’t hear me laughing.)

Protection Against The Inevitable

Seaside Heights, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

(A pregnant teenage girl walks in with her mom and boyfriend.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get my tongue pierced?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you are pregnant, right?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “We can’t pierce anybody that’s pregnant, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, any slight infection in your tongue could hurt your unborn child.”

Customer: “But that’s only if it gets infected, right?”

Fairweather Friendships

| Bend, OR, USA | Top

Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

, | Rincon, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

Me: “Sure”.

(I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

(I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)