Me: “Alright, sir, you’re all set. Anything else I can do for you today?”
Bank Customer: *jokingly* “Yeah, you can deposit a million dollars into my account.”
Me: “Sir, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I’d have a million dollars.”
Bank Customer: *hangs up laughing*
(A customer is at our electronics store looking at the Macs.)
Customer: “Is this that Windows Vi-ah-ster?”
Me: “You mean Windows Vista? No, these are Macs, sir.”
Customer: “Right, Windows Vista, exactly.”
Me: “Are you going to buy one?”
Customer: “Yeah, got anything that’s under $200?”
Me: “Not in the Apple section, and I really wouldn’t advise you get a $200 Vista rig anyway. It will run slowly.”
(He goes over, finds a low-end rig, and gets it anyway. He’s back a day later.)
Customer: “Ya, it’s not workin’.”
Me: “I told you, why didn’t you listen?”
Customer: “Oh, I saw two comp-ooh-ters at that price, and the other one looked better.”
Me: “Looked better… how?”
Customer: “The paint was shinier.”
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)
Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”
Man: “But I’m only fifty-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”
Me: “You smoke thirty cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”
Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”
Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”
Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”
Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”
Man: “What would you know?!”
Me: *gives up*
Coworker: “Guys! There’s a car pulled in backward in the drive-thru. They’re backward!”
Backward Customer: “Hi, I just want a fish sandwich and a chocolate milkshake.”
Coworker: “I’m sorry. We don’t have those items. Is there something else I can get you?”
Backward Customer: “No, I just want a fish sandwich and a chocolate milkshake!”
Coworker: “Ma’am, do you realize you’re at [Mexican Fast Food Restaurant]? Would you like a taco?”
Backward Customer: “Okay, okay, we’re kidding! [My Name], this is your mom and [Aunt]!”
(Family are the worst customers!)
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(This is early December, when most of the companies have their big night out. A visibly drunk patron needs to be asked to leave due to inebriation.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I think you’ve had enough for tonight, and I think it’s best if you call it a night.”
Customer: “What? I’m not druuunk! You’re ouuut of yoooour mind!”
(I guide the drunk customer to the door, which he immediately grabs a hold of to resist being led out of the bar.)
Customer: “I’m not leaving! You’re going to have to call the cops to get me out of here!”
Me: “Well, sir, if you take a look over at the table with the people looking very intently at us… that’s the police department’s Christmas party.”
Customer: *leaves, rather expediently*
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