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    Archive for 2009

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    Smooth Whipped Criminal

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (We’d just opened one Sunday when a man comes in and robs us at gunpoint. During the robbery, the robber makes us lock the doors so no customers can come in. After he leaves, we were so upset that we didn’t think to unlock the doors. While we wait for the police to arrive, another man knocks on the door.)

    Customer: “Are you open? I’d like to get a coffee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just been robbed at gunpoint, so we’re a little freaked out.”

    Customer: “Well, did he steal the coffee? I can still get a latte, right?!”

    Not Born Yesterday

    | Falkirk, Scotland, UK |

    (As a general rule, we refuse to tattoo anyone has had a baby in the last three months.)

    Me: “Okay, so you’re getting this name?” *spells it out to check correct spelling*

    Customer: “Yeah, can I get her date of birth underneath, too?”

    Me: “Sure, what is it?”

    Customer: “19th September.”

    Me: “Um, today is the 24th November.”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “So, your daughter isn’t 3 months old yet. We can’t tattoo you for another few weeks. We explained this when you arranged your appointment and you told us she’d be 3 months old.”

    Customer: “She’s 3 months old.”

    Me: “She can’t be, this is the 11th month. She was born in the 9th month. So she isn’t 3 months old.”

    Customer: “She’s 3 months old.”

    Me: “No, she’s 2 months old. She was born in September, so she’ll be 3 months in December.”

    Customer: “Wait. So she’s not 3 months old?”

    Me: “Not for another month.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Domestically Dimwitted

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    (Our store is famous for our women’s scents. I see a male customer looking uncomfortable.)

    Customer: “Uh, miss? Can you help me?”

    Me: “Of course. Who is it that you are shopping for today?”

    Customer: “Well, we had a Secret Santa thing at the office, and I got this guy…um…he’s the kind of person with a domestic partner.”

    Me: “Oh! I gotcha! We’ve got some great pre-made gift sets in the men’s department. There’s a wonderful shaving set and body washes, too.”

    (I lead him to the men’s section. On the way, the customer sees a flowery red and pink gift box with one of our most popular woman’s fragrances inside.)

    Customer: “What about this one? These are on sale, right?”

    Me: “Well yes, but that’s really a more feminine fragrance, a strong floral. Let me show you–”

    Customer: “No, no, no. DO-MES-TIC PART-NER. I really think he’ll like this one better. You know, cause he’s…well, you know…”

    Me: “Sir, we could set up a gift card for you. That way, he can pick out his own body care since you are unsure.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand me. He’s…the guy is gay. I’ll take this one.”

    (To the unfortunate gift recipient: I am so terribly sorry! I’ll be thinking of you this Christmas!)

    An Un-Usual Request

    , | Bangor, ME, USA |

    Me: “What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll just have my usual.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t know your usual.”

    Customer: “They know it on [other location in town].”

    Me: “We’re not that location, sir. What would you like?”

    Customer: “Just call ‘em up and ask. I’ll wait!”

    I Scream For Pizza

    | Rome, Italy |

    (While working at a gelato shop in Rome, a tourist approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss! I’d like a pizza!”

    Me: “We don’t sell pizza here. This is a gelato shop.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about? This is Italy! Don’t you have pizza in Italy?”

    Me: “Yes, we have pizza in Italy, but this is not a pizzeria, so we don’t sell pizza. There are pizzerias, though, if you look.”

    Customer: “So this is Italy?”

    Me: “Correct.”

    Customer: “And this is a restaurant.”

    Me: “Sort of, though we only sell the ice cream.”

    Customer: “But this is ITALY.”

    (After a few minutes of getting nowhere, my coworker attempts to help.)

    Coworker: *jokingly* “Ma’am, if you want pizza, I can get you some for 100 euros.”

    (100 euros is about $150 USD. Without hesitation, the customer pulls out two 50s and hands them to my coworker.)

    Co-worker: *hands the tourist the money back* “It’s okay, ma’am. Let me direct you to a nearby pizzeria…”


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