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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Archive for 2009

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    Up His Own Perineum

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hello sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials who don’t need maintenance on it.”

    Me: “Well, we got a few who need very low attention, but–”

    Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

    Me: “Every plants need water sir, even cactus, but we–”

    Customer: “And they gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

    Me: “Waterproof?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

    Me: “So you want some flowers who doesn’t need maintenance, don’t need water and that chlorine won’t kill?”

    Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

    Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

    Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

    (I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to my boss. My manager responds similarly…)

    Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

    Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”

    The Devil Revils In The Details

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I check out books?”

    Me: “Do you have a library card?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: *checks out books* “Okay, you’re all set. These are due back January 15.”

    Customer: “But that was 11 months ago!”

    Me: “January 15 of 2010, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What if I return them NEXT January 15?”

    Me: “Then you would owe $365 in overdue fines, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But it would still be January 15!”

    Charitable Mis-Trust

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is *** calling on behalf of the [charitable organization]. Am I speaking with Mrs. ***?”

    Customer: “Yes, what’s this about?”

    Me: “Well, I’m calling because you pledged a $100 donation to the [charitable organization] but unfortunately, the donation was never received. Would you like me to send you a return envelope?”

    Customer: “I never pledged $100. Are you sure you have the right name?”

    Me: “Well, maybe the donation was made by your husband. It will take me a few moments to get to that screen on my computer and then we can get this all straightened out.”

    Customer: “No, my husband would’ve told me if he’d pledged money. I really think you have the wrong number.”

    Me: “According to our records the pledge was made under the name ‘Ryan’. Is that your husband?”

    Customer: “No. That’s my nine-year-old son.”

    Me: “Oh…I’m so sorry ma’am, that pledge should not have gone through the system. I can cancel it for you if you’d like. I really do apologize.”

    Customer: “No! Don’t cancel it. If he promised you $100, then by God, he’s going to have to find a way to pay you that $100!”

    Me: “Ma’am, really, that’s not necessary. Our reps should have verified his age before accepting a donation from him. Really, it’s no trouble at all for me to cancel it for you.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not very happy with my son right now, and I know a nine-year-old boy who’s really not going to be happy when he gets home from school. At least someone should get something out of this! Thank you for bringing this to my attention…”

    Gobble Grunt Gobble

    | San Jose, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”

    Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”

    Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”

    Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”

    Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”

    He Prefers The Strong And Silent Type

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (An older customer enters the restaurant and walks straight to the bar where I’m drying glasses. Note that I’m female.)

    Me: “Yes sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “No, that won’t do.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “That’s a weak mentality. None of this, ‘Yes sir, no sir,’ business. You need to have confidence in yourself, men don’t like women without confidence!”

    Me: “Uh, I’m sorry sir. See, my job is–”

    Customer: “Still with the yes sir, no sir! I don’t like it. Stop it!”

    Me: *says nothing*

    Customer: “Better.” *walks off to a table*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic


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