(At a large chain grocery store, we have run out of room in the back room. We’ve placed five or six pallets of pop up near our exit, and to keep people away from them we have placed caution tape around them. A customer comes up to me as I’m talking to my coworker.)

Customer: “Get my son down!”

Me: “What?”

Customer:“My son is climbing on your playground, so make him come down!”

Me: “Miss, we don’t have a playground! What are you talking about?”

(The customer leads us to her son who looks to be around five and is playing on the pallets.)

Customer: “I left him on your playground when I came in, and now he won’t come down!”

Me: “Please, those are stacks of pop and much too dangerous! You need to get your son down now!”

Customer: “No! It’s your playground and I don’t want to climb around the rope! You get him!”

Me, to coworker: “Get the manager.”

(I go over and after about three or four minutes of bribing him with stickers, I get him to come down. By this time, the manager has arrived.)

Customer, to manager: “You shouldn’t make your playground so tall!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, miss. We will fix it.”

Customer: “Hmph! I should hope so!”

(About an hour later, my manager comes by, gives me a gift card and another roll of caution tape to put up.)

(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving…you are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver, how dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home…why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”

Related:
Driving Miss Crazy

(A customer and his four-year old daughter are checking out.)

Me: “Would you like anything else?”

(The customer looks at the lollipop stand on the counter, then looks down at his daughter.)

Customer, to child: “What would you like?”

Child: “A BMW!”

Related:
They Grow Up So Fast

(I’m working the box office and a woman storms up to the counter, holding a copy of a popular satire newspaper.)

Customer: “Have you seen this?”

Me: “Yeah, I read it all the time.”

Customer: “How can they get away with this?”

(She pushes the newspaper against the glass, and I can see a humorous picture of the President.)

Me: “I think that’s photoshopped.”

Customer: “No, it’s real! This is un-American! To degrade the office of the president by publishing this photo, it’s treasonous!”

Me: “You know it’s a joke, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s a parody newspaper. Nothing in it is actual news.”

Customer: “No, no, no, it was on the news stand. I paid for this, and they’re defaming the president!”

Me: “It’s also free.”

Customer: *pauses*

Me: “Would you like a ticket?”

Customer: “One for Sicko…”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy a lemon and lime pie please.”

Me: “I’m sorry miss, we don’t sell those. We never have.”

Customer: “But I was so sure. Let me just check.” *pulls out phone and dials* “Hi, darling…yes, I know, but she says they don’t sell them anymore. Okay, I’ll put you on…”

Customer: “He’d like to talk to you.” *hands me the phone*

Me: “Hi, sir, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell lemon and lime pies.”

Phone: “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

Customer, to me: “You see?!”

(A customer calls our store claiming she’s lost her phone. The routine is to replace the phone if insured, to give them a loaner phone for a few weeks, or to sell them another phone. She has turned down all of those options.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else we can do for you besides giving you a loaner phone or selling you another one.”

Customer: “No, I have a replacement.”

Me: “Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Why are you calling us?”

Customer: “I lost my phone.”

Me: “…and you already have a replacement for it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Were you calling to ask if you left it here?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I really don’t understand what you’re asking me to do.”

Customer: “Where’s my phone?”

Me: “We have no way of tracking where your phone is at any given time. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But I lost my phone. Where is it?”

Me: “I’m truly sorry, but unless you’re wanting another phone to replace your old one, I really can’t help you.”

Customer: “So can you transfer me to your lost and found, then?”

Me: “How about I give you our customer service number, and maybe they can help you out?”

Customer: “Okay…”

(Afterwards, as I was making a memo in the account, I noticed that she’d already called customer service twice. Both times, the call rep had told her we had no way to track her phone down by satellite, network towers, or police scanners.)

Customer: “What cigarettes would you recommend?”

Me: “I’m actually only 16, I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Oh well then which cigars are your favorite?”

Me: “I’m only 16, I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Okay then. Do you sell marijuana?”

Me: “That’s actually illegal.”

Customer: “What? When did that happen?”

(I work at a small shop in a hospital.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Is this the only shop here?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “And that’s the only cafe?” *points towards the cafe*

Me: “Yep!”

Customer: “Why aren’t there more?”

Me: “Well, we only really need one shop and one cafe for this hospital.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! I don’t need beds, I need more
shops! I’m going to complain!”