Bookstore | Brisbane, Australia
Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”
Me: “Umm…sorry?”
Customer: “Why are you closed?”
Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”
Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”
Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*
Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”
Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”
Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”
Bike Rental Shop | San Diego, CA, USA
(At the bike rental shop where I work, we usually give customers a map of the area to know the route they’re taking.)
Customer: “Which of these routes do we take?”
Me: “You’re going to follow the bike path. It’s the purple one on your map.”
Customer: “Oh, perfect!” *to her friends* “We just have to look for a purple trail!”
Hospital | Toronto, ON, Canada
Me: “Alright, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”
Me: “No, four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”
Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Oh, all right.”
(I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)
Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”
Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short, so I waited seven minutes…but it still hurts.”
Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”
Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”
Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”
Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”
Child Care Center | Ohio, USA
(I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)
Child: “Oh! What’s that?”
Me: “It’s a tattoo, it’s like a permanent drawing on your skin you can get when your 18.”
Child: “Can I touch it?”
Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”
(Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)
Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”
Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”
Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”
Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”
(The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp”. It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)
Me: “Nice dolphins.”
Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”
Retail | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK
Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Hello dear, I was wondering if I could return this coffee machine? It’s not making any coffee.”
Me: “Oh, right. Well, normally you would send it to the manufacturer and they would repair it.”
Customer: “Who?”
Me: “The manufacturer.”
Customer: “But I bought it here. Have a look at it anyway, son.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll have a quick look.”
(I open the box to find the machine wrapped in plastic and only slightly wet, but otherwise as clean as a brand new one.)
Me: “When you tried it out, did you put coffee in it?”
Customer: “Coffee?”
Me: “Yes, did you put coffee powder or granules in it?”
Customer: “No, of course not! Don’t be silly, it’s a coffee machine. It’s meant to MAKE coffee, is it not? Why buy a coffee machine that needs coffee in it to make coffee?!”
Sunglass Store | California, USA
Me: “Hi sir, was there anything I could help you find today?”
Customer: “Yes, I was wondering something. Why do all these glasses have the same white circles on the lenses? It’s really unstylish. I’m surprised people like this store!”
Me: “Sir, that’s the reflection of the light on the glasses.”
Customer: “Oh.”
Retail | Wisconsin, USA
Customer: “Hey, you know them laptops over there? Do they come with the internet?”
Me: “They are internet capable and also have wi-fi.”
Customer: “So, I buy it and send it to the warehouse and they put the internet on it for me?”
Me: “You just need to select a company and purchase their internet services.”
Customer: “What? Then what the h*** is that Visto thing that comes on it? I need to buy two internets?”
Me: “No. Windows Vista is an operating system.”
Customer: *blank stare*
Me: “Getting the internet is kinda like getting cable television.”
Customer: “Cable?”
(The conversation only went downhill from there.)
Aquarium | Seattle, WA, USA
(At the aquarium where I volunteer, a guest sticks her whole hand in our touch tank, rips off a sea urchin and proceeds to stuff it in her bag.)
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t do that.”
Guest: “What do you mean?”
Me: “You can’t rip the urchin off the tank’s wall. Could you please hand me it?”
Guest: “But I was going to take it home and eat it. Isn’t that okay?”
Tech Support | Los Angeles, CA, USA
Me: “This is [company name].”
Customer: “Hi, who’s this?”
Me: “[Company name], are you calling for tech support?”
Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?”
Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s cool. Anything else you do? Other features?”
Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.”
Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?”
Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.”
Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission? Like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?”
Me: “No, guests must be attending the conference and give permission for this.”
Customer: “Oh, I’m not interested then.” *click*
Retail | Worcester, MA, USA
(Note: this occurred on October 30th.)
Customer: “Hi, can you help me find a costume? I’m looking for a Jack Sparrow costume for my son.”
Me: “Ah, well, I can tell you that Jack was a very popular character this year, and unfortunately we are out of all our Jack Sparrow costumes, even adults. But we–”
Customer: “What! That’s outrageous! How can you be out of the most popular costume?”
Me: “Well we’ve tried to keep up with demand, but I guess a lot of people shopped early this year. We sold out of many of the most popular costumes, Jack Sparrow being one of them. We have other pirate items.”
Customer: “No, no, no! He wants to be Jack! I can’t believe this, this is the fifth costume shop I have been to today and no one has this costume! Why don’t you people keep more of them around?”
Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. If you like, I would be happy to help you pull together a Jack Sparrow costume out of items we do have.”
Customer: *walking away* “Outrageous! How can a store be out of the most popular Halloween costumes when Halloween is tomorrow?!”
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