Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m looking for…er…a stiffy disk.”

Me: “I’m sorry–what was it you were after?”

Customer: “I think it’s called stiffy disk.”

Me: “Stiffy…wait, do you mean floppy discs?”

Customer: “Ah, yes! FLOPPY disks!”

(A distressed older gentleman approached me, after having used the self-service copy machines.)

Customer: “I only made 4 copies in black and white and it’s charging me $19.50!”

Me: “Hmm, that’s a bit odd. Did you take your credit card out already, sir?”

Customer: “Yes! And it started charging me!”

Me: “Wait. It shouldn’t be doing something like that…”

Customer: “It is!”

(We walk over to the copy machine in question.)

Customer: *points* “See? It’s even going up to $19.53!”

(One quick glance and I instantly know what’s wrong.)

Me: “Sir, that is the clock.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Once you eject your card, it goes to the clock, and our card readers they’re set to 24-hour time.”

Customer: “Ooohhh! Thank you!”

(We recently stocked realistic-looking toy puppies and kittens in our gift store that are posed as though they’re asleep.)

Customer #1: “I just want you to know that your business is sick and disgusting! Any company that displays dead animals in their front window deserves to be shut down!”

Me: “Dead animals, ma’am? We don’t sell real animals, live or dead. We’re primarily a card store.”

Customer #1: “You have dead dogs and cats in your front window!”

Me: “Oh, those aren’t real ma’am. They’re toys. They don’t even have real fur; they’re 100% fake.”

Customer #1: “They look real, and they look like they’re dead! What kind of sick individual would buy something like that?!”

(Right on cue, a teenage customer comes up with two puppies and a kitten.)

Customer #2: “Oh my gawd! They’re so cute! I’m buying three!”

Customer #1: “You are not bringing those dead things into my house!”

Customer #2: “I guess I found a way to keep you from snooping into my room, huh, mom?”

(Note: We sell mobile terminals for warehouses and delivery firms.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Caller: “My terminal has gone into a freeze.”

Me: “You can try restarting it.”

Caller: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You press and hold 1, 9 and the power button, and then you release.”

Caller: *sound of terminal hitting the floor*

Customer: “One of your pizza delivery drivers in a blue Mini needs to be turned into the police for passing me so irresponsibly! If I ever see that car with your sign on it again, I will sue you for endangering lives by hiring his kind!”

Manager: “What road were you on?”

Customer:” I was on state route 303. He must have been going at least 20 mph faster than me!”

Manager: “I see. And how fast were you going?”

Customer: “I was going 35 mph because my car cannot go fast up that hill. I want him fired now!”

Manager: “Well, ma’am, I will certainly talk to him, but that section of road is clearly marked 55 mph. I’m failing to see the problem.”

Customer: “The problem is that he passed me! Any business that has drivers knows that the rudest thing to do on the road is pass any other vehicles!”

(A customer calls in, unable to connect to wireless internet. I have her navigate to the connection screen.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Do you see the name of your wireless network in the list of available networks?”

Customer: “I don’t know which one is mine.”

(I proceed to authenticate the customer and provide the name of her network.)

Customer: “No, I don’t see that listed.”

Me: “It’s possible that your router glitched. I’m going to have you go ahead and power it down.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s the main box that we install in your home when we set up service. It broadcasts the wireless signal. We’re going to reset it and see if your signal comes back.”

Customer: “I can’t do that?”

Me: “Is it out of reach?”

Customer: “No, I’m at a friend’s house.”

Me: “Ma’am, where are you located at right now?”

Customer: “Las Vegas.”

Me: And where is your router located?

Customer: “Fort Worth…”

(A customer comes to our help desk with a laptop that needs service.)

Me: “Okay, we are going to have to send your computer out for service. It‚Äôs going to take about 10 business days.”

Customer: “What am I going to do?”

Me: “It’s okay, I will provide you with a loaner.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Wow, that is so sad.”

Me: “What is so sad? That you are going to be without your computer?”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. It’s sad that they are lonely computers!”

(A customer comes in to pick up a catered BLT tray she had previously ordered over the phone.)

Customer: “I can’t take these, they have bacon on them!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am, there must have been a mistake. This ticket is for the BLT tray?”

Customer: “Right, that’s right. You shouldn’t put bacon on them! My boss is Jewish!”

Me: “But you did order the BLT?”

Customer: “Right, yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there must have been a misunderstanding. The BLT comes with bacon, lettuce, and tomato. I can get a manager to help you correct the order if you’d like.”

Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

Me: “I completely understand; we’d be happy to remake the tray for you if you’re willing to wait about ten minutes until we serve the people in our take-out line.”

Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

Me: “I understand, and I apologize. We’ll be happy to remake the tray for you without bacon if you can wait just a few minutes.”

Customer: “I can’t wait that long!” (She rips off the tray and starts throwing strips of bacon on the counter. The manager looks up and sees her.)

Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am, that’s against the health code!”

Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

(This happened a long time ago, not long after the Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. I am marking bags of bread with large black X’s.)

Customer: “What are the X’s?”

Me: “The bread marked with an X is a day old, so it is half price.”

Customer: “The X means it’s contaminated by Chernobyl, doesn’t it?”

Me: “Nope. Just a day old.”

Customer: *Winking and nodding.* “Riiight. Day-old. Gotcha.”

(A couple minutes later the manager comes and tells me to help the frozen food crew empty a freezer that has stopped working. As we are loading the frozen food into carts to take it back to the walk-in freezer, the same customer wanders by. Her eyes suddenly get very wide.)

Customer: “S***! Is there anything here that isn’t radioactive?”

(The customer hastily exits the store, leaving her cart of presumably radioactive groceries behind.)

(Note: It’s several days before Valentine’s Day.)

Customer: “Just these, please!”

(The customer hands me two Valentine’s Day cards. One is titled “To my wife,” and the other is titled “To my girlfriend”. Got to love his lack of shame!)