(A customer in her late teens approaches me in the bookstore.)

Customer: “Hey, do you guys sell the Twilight books?”

Me: “Yes, they’re right over there.”

Customer: “Have you read them?”

Me: “Yes, I have.”

Customer: “Didn’t you just LOVE them?!”

Me: “Well, actually, they aren’t really my type of book, so–”

Customer: *suddenly furious* “Are you f***ing serious?! These are the best books ever written! I’m going to tell Edward to come and bite you and drink all your blood!”

Me: *backing away* “Have a nice day, ma’am…”

Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

(I’ve just rung up a customer up for cigarettes.)

Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Zip-zip!”

Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”

Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”

Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*

Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”

Me: “…credit?”

(Our tea store hands out free samples in the mall in small two ounce cups to people walking by the store. An older woman walks by one day.)

Me: “Would you like to try some tea, ma’am?”

Customer: *smiling* “Why yes! I love tea! What flavors do you have?”

Me: “Well, I have a relaxing green tea, and…”

(At this point the woman’s expression changes and she cuts me off mid-sentence, waving her hand in my face.)

Customer: “Oh forget it! I don’t want to relax! Forget it! You should be ashamed!” *storms off*

(I’ve just rung up a customer’s items at the grocery store.)

Me: “That will be $6.66, sir.”

Customer:“Wait a minute!”

(The customer proceeds to frantically search the candy displays. He comes back with a handful of various candies and a soda.)

Customer: “Okay, now ring these up, because that is bad omen!”

Me: “Your new total is…$7.77!

(Two guys walk into our video rental store, find their video, and come up to pay.)

Coworker: “What’s your phone number?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s [phone number].”

Coworker: “Okay, so Chris [last name]?”

Customer’s friend: “Holy s*** man, he knows your name!” *turns to my coworker* “Dude, what’s my name?!”

Coworker: “…”

Customer: “Dude, I have an account here.”

Customer’s friend: “Oh. I’m going to go wait in the car…”

(I’m a band host for a Norwegian band and am working at a music festival in Trondheim, Norway. An irate lady comes up to me.)

Lady: “What the h*** is going on?”

Me: “This is the Trondheim Rock Festival.”

Lady: “But it’s in the middle of everything!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is.”

Lady: “I have to go all around it to get to the other side of the city center!”

Me: “Yes, yes, you do.”

Lady: “But this is outrageous! How can you do this without telling people on beforehand?”

Me: “Well, there’s been a lot of publicity on TV, posters on the walls, and in the newspapers. It also takes place the same time each year.”

Lady: “Hmph! I think you should get something done about this. You can’t expect people to remember, look at posters, read newspapers or watch TV all the time!”

(I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

(At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”