(I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”

Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”

Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”

(She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”

Customer: “But I want those eggs!”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [mortgage company]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like an application for your assistance program.”

Me: “Certainly! We’ve actually put the application online for your convenience, so you can complete it and submit it right there on our website.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t use computers. Technology usage is against my religious beliefs. Can you just fax me the application?”

Me: “Erm…absolutely!”

Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

Me: “Why?!”

Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”

(I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)

Co-worker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”

Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”

Co-worker: “No, ma’am.”

Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”

Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

Me: “OK. What did you order?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

(It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

Customer: “What if I lose them?”

Me: “We can give you store credit.”

Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

Me: “…”

(The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

(I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”

Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*

(I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)

Me: “Are we ready for our check?”

Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”

Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”

Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child's] birthday!”

Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”

(I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)

Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”

(I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)

Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”