Grocery Store | Greensboro, NC, USA
(I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)
Customer: “Excuse me?”
Me: “Can I help you?”
Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”
Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”
Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”
(She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)
Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”
Customer: “But I want those eggs!”
Mortgage Company | Dallas, TX, USA
Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [mortgage company]. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “Yes, I’d like an application for your assistance program.”
Me: “Certainly! We’ve actually put the application online for your convenience, so you can complete it and submit it right there on our website.”
Customer: “Oh, I don’t use computers. Technology usage is against my religious beliefs. Can you just fax me the application?”
Me: “Erm…absolutely!”
Retail | Wanganui, New Zealand
Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”
Me: “Uh, thanks…is that like a porcelain doll?”
Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! from Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!
Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”
Customer, to me: “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”
Me: “Why?!”
Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”
Cruise Ship | Seattle, WA, USA
(I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)
Co-worker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”
Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”
Co-worker: “No, ma’am.”
Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”
Restaurant | Maidenhead, UK
Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”
Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”
Me: “OK. What did you order?”
Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”
Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”
Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”
Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”
Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*
Retail | Ontario, Canada
(It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)
Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”
Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”
Customer: “What if I lose them?”
Me: “We can give you store credit.”
Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”
Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”
Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”
Me: “…”
(The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)
Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”
Electronics Store | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA
(I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)
Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”
Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”
Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”
Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”
Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”
Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”
Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”
Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*
Restaurant | Norfolk, VA, USA
(I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)
Me: “Are we ready for our check?”
Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”
Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”
Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child's] birthday!”
Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”
(I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)
Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”
(I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)
Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”
Restaurant | Michigan, USA
(A customer walks into our sandwich shop with her very young son.)
Customer’s son: “I want a sandwich!”
Customer: “When we want something, we ask politely, remember?”
Customer’s son: “But I want chips!”
Customer: “No, dear, you ask, ‘May I please have some chips?’”
Me: “What will you be ordering today, ma’am?”
Customer: “I want a kid’s meal!”
Related:
Do As I Yell, Not As I Do
Do As I Shout, Not As I Do
Retail | Brisbane, Australia
Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”
Customer: “How old are you?”
Me: “Um…I’m 17.”
Customer: “No, you’re not!”
Me: “Yes, I am.”
Customer: “No, no! You’re 4.6 billion years old! You’re older than me, and you’re older than your parents. Jesus is inside you!”
Me: “Er…can I help you with anything else?”
Customer: “Oh, can I borrow a pen?”
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