Lawyer | Missouri, USA
Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”
Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”
Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”
Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”
Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”
Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”
Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”
Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”
Cafe | New Jersey, USA
Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”
Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”
Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”
Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”
Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”
(I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)
Me: “What was he so mad about?”
Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”
Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”
Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”
Movie Theater | Apex, NC, USA
(A woman comes up to our movie theater with four small girls and a baby in a carrier.)
Customer: “Hi, four children and one adult to Hannah Montana, please.”
Me: “All right, that’ll be $32.00.”
Customer: *rummages around in her purse* “Oh, shoot! I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. I’ll be right back.”
Me: “Okay, no problem.”
Customer: “Girls, you stay here with the nice lady…” *looks at me* “Should I leave the baby here, or take it with me?”
Me: “Ma’am, please take your infant with you!”
Customer: “Oh, okay. Girls, be good!”
Bookstore | Orem, UT, USA
(A young woman walks up to the registers with a book.)
Customer: “I’d like to return this notebook.”
Me: “Is there something wrong with it?”
Customer: “Yes, there’s a naked man on the front cover.”
Me: “Uh, that’s Leonardo Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.”
Customer: “He’s naked.”
Me: “It’s a five hundred-year-old drawing.”
Customer: *hissing* “HE’S NAKED.”
Me: “…would you like store credit?”
Jewelry Store | Sydney, Australia
(A customer is looking at light-powered watches.)
Me: “It needs to be charged with 8 hours of direct sunlight or lamp light before it will keep time.”
Customer: “Does it have to be Australian sunlight, or can I take it to England and use it there?”
Department Store | Quebec, Canada
Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell pie here?”
Me: “Um, no this is [department store]. We sell clothes.”
Customer: “I don’t want clothes. I want pie.”
Me: “You can go across the street to the supermarket.”
Customer: “But I hear that your pie is the best in town.”
Me: “You’ve obviously heard wrong; we don’t sell pie here.”
Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! I know there’s pie! Where is it?!”
Me: “Sir, there is no pie…”
Customer: “F*** you, are you profiling me? Just because I’m African-American you won’t sell me pie? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”
Me: *giving up* “…OK sir, fine, you’re right. Go downstairs, go out the door and walk across the street. That’s where we sell the pie.”
Customer: “It’s about time…”
Tattoo Artist | Helskini, Finland
Customer: “Hey, I want this tattoo on my arm.” *holds out a piece of paper*
Me: “Okay, let me see…” *looks at the paper* “…are you sure this is right?”
Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s hard core. You know, HC!”
Me: “Yeah, but I’m not sure if this is right.”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s right. You’re old, so you won’t get it!”
Me: “Okay, so let me get this straight: you want this exact tattoo on your arm?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
Me: “You want your tattoo to say this?” *shows him his paper*
Customer: “Yes!”
(I ask him several more times to be sure, but he insists it’s right so I give him his tattoo: “HAR CORE” with the “D” conspicuously absent. After several days of showing how “hard core” he is to his friends, they convince him to come back and get it fixed; it now says “HC”.)
Natural Foods Store | Santa Fe, NM, USA
Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”
Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”
Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”
Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”
Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”
Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”
Gas Station | Apple Valley, MN, USA
(While working the overnight shift alone, a single customer walks into the store and walks to my register.)
Customer: “What would you do if I robbed you?”
Me: “…I’d call the cops.”
Customer: “What about if I had a knife to your throat?”
Me: “Do you really think those are good questions to be asking me?”
Customer: “Okay, let’s just say I have a gun in your face.”
Me: “Get out. Now.”
Customer: “Sheesh, I was just trying to have a friendly conversation with you…” *leaves*
Movie Theater | Morrow, GA, USA
(This man comes to the movie theater with a live snake wrapped around his neck. This is the exchange that took place.)
Co-worker: “Hello, sir, and welcome to **** — is that a snake?!”
(Every customer in the lobby that can hear my coworker scampers away.)
Customer: “Yes, it is.”
Co-worker: *shrinking back in fear* “I’m sorry sir, but company policy prohibits any animals other than seeing-eye animals.”
Customer: “The snake is a seeing-eye animal.”
Co-worker: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back without the snake. It’s upsetting the other guests.”
Customer: “FINE! I didn’t want to see the stupid movie anyway!” *stomps away*
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