Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

(I send the other cheeseburger back.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Getting you a new one?”

Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

Me: “… have a great day, ma’am.”

(I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, *** speaking.”

Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

Customer: “But what do they mean?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”

Related:
Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 2
Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Related: University Of Homer Simpson

Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is ****.”

Me: “OK, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

Me: “Are you **** of **** Street?”

Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product, and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

Me: “For what, sir?”

Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

(I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

(I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.)

Client: *on the phone* “My reports look wrong.”

Me: “All right, let’s take a look.”

(I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to his database – something outside of my company’s control.)

Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database – once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.”

Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.”

Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.”

Client: “It’s still your fault.”

(This goes on for 20 minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.)

Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?”

Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.”

Me: “OK, fine – if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?”

Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!”

Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.”

Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.”

Client: “WELL IT’S NOT MY JOB EITHER, BUT I DO!”

Me: “That’s because you are one.”

Client: “NO I’M NOT!”

Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, 30 seconds ago.”

Client: “I LIED!”

Me: “…why?”

Client: “BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!”

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Client: “WROOONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! WROOONG!”

(She kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I then hung up. No one in the company has heard from her since.)

(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “OK, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’ – can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir…that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir…it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know sir, maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

(I’m working the night shift when suddenly a guy dressed in black with a mask over his head comes in. He pulls out a gun and comes heading my way. Without even thinking, I incapacitate him with a basic self-defense skill.)

Customer: “HOLY S***! What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “Sir, you were about to hold me up!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You came into the store with a mask over your head and gun in hand.”

(At this point, I notice that the gun is a controller for a game. I let him go.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about what just happened, sir. So you wanted that fixed, right?”

Customer: “It’s… no big deal, can you fix it anyway?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

(After checking the wiring and whatnot inside the gun, I find some faulty chipwork and fix it.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *pays up*

Me: “Just one thing, though.”

Customer: “Ah, yeah?”

Me: “What’s with the mask?”

Customer: “Sometimes, I like to pretend!” *giggles and walks out*

(I never worked the night shift again.)

Me: “Happy Holidays! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Well, I need two gifts.”

Me: “Okay, who are you shopping for and what did you have in mind?”

Customer: “I need one for my wife, and one for my girlfriend. I got them the same thing last year, so we can just do that again.”