Customer: “Yeah, we were in earlier and ordered 2 turkey sandwiches, a ham sandwich and a club sandwich, all a foot long. There were flies in them so I want you to give me a refund.”

Manager: “There were flies in your sandwiches?”

Customer: “Yes, it was gross. I want my money back!”

Manager: “Well, where are the sandwiches? Why didn’t you bring them right back?”

Customer: “I was already home by the time we opened them.”

Manager: “Well, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No! I just want my money back, there were flies in my sandwiches!”

Manager: “Sir, I’m going to have to check and make sure there was an order that matches before I can see about a refund.”

Customer: “…huh?” *long pause, then hurries out of the store*

Customer: *holds up sweatshirt* “Oh my god, they spelled this wrong!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Los Angeles!”

Me: “Um, that’s how you spell it.”

Customer: “Nooooo. It says LOS Angeles, but it’s supposed to be LAS Angeles. It’s pronounced LAS Angeles. Am I right?”

Customer’s friends: “Yeah, totally!”

Customer: “And, actually, shouldn’t it be LAS AngeLAS? Because that’s how you say it, LAS AngeLAS!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I can’t believe no one has ever noticed this before!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s shocking…”

(A customer stomps into my store and starts yelling at me.)

Customer: “I had an allergic reaction to a Vanilla Ice Blended from the store in [other location] and the manager there said I could have whatever I wanted here for free.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that. Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “I had to drive out to Cedars-Sinai last night and I was there until four in the morning! The people at [other location] said I could have anything I wanted! I had an allergic reaction!”

Me: “Well, then… what would you like?”

Customer: “I want two Vanilla Ice Blendeds…”

(I work at a call center that handles many types of cell phone issues, including the bills.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is **** and I’ll be assisting you today. Is this call in regards to wireless number ***-***-****?”

Caller: “Why y’all done sent me a bill for two thousand minutes?! I don’t even own a cell phone!”

Me: “Um… well, does the bill have your name on it, ma’am?”

Caller: “Of course it does! Right here…” *paper rustling*

Caller: “Oh, lawdy! I done opened my neighbor’s mail!”

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Where are you located?”

Me: “We’re on **** Road, in the **** Shopping Center.”

Caller: “Oh…I’m in Alpharetta. How far away is that?”

Me: “Uh…a long way. There are probably several of our other stores closer to you.”

Caller: “No, it has to be your store. How far away?”

Me: “Probably about a 45-minute drive. Maybe longer if there’s traffic.”

Caller: “How do I get there?”

Me: “Well, you’d have to take 400 down to 285, and–”

Caller: “Wait, wait, that’s not gonna be useful to me. Where’s the nearest river crossing?”

Me: “…river crossing?”

Caller: “Yeah. I’m taking a boat.”

Me: “…you’re taking a boat from Alpharetta?”

Caller: “Yes. You’re intentionally being difficult.”

Me: “The nearest river crossing is about ten miles from here.”

Caller: “Oh…can you come pick me up from there?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Fine. I’ll go to another store!”

(A woman came up to my counter in the clothing store I work in. She has a very distressed look on her face.)

Me: “How can I help you this morning?”

Customer: “What is this red sticker on the tag of this dress?”

Me: “That is a clearance sticker. That dress is 40% off.”

Customer: “But I was here yesterday and it wasn’t on clearance! I’ve been eying that dress for weeks!”

Me: “Well, today is your lucky day – it went on clearance this morning.”

Customer: “I can’t buy it on clearance. Can you take that red sticker off the tag?”

Me: “Are you going to buy this dress?”

Customer: “I’m going to buy it once you take off that red tag. I don’t want to pay the clearance price.”

Me: “Even if I remove the sticker the register will still ring it up at clearance price.”

Customer: “Do I look like I’m the type to buy a dress on clearance?” *holds the dress up dramatically*

Me: “Are you planning on buying this dress?”

Customer: “Are you planning on taking off that red sticker?”

Me: “Not until you pay for it.”

Customer: “You don’t understand my world.”

(She left the dress on the counter and walked out of the store.)

(A customer came in looking for an item to prop up books and papers, making them easier to read without having to use your hands.)

Me: “You’re looking for a copy holder. We have several different types, and they’re right over here.”

Customer: *looks over selection* “These won’t work. I need one that will attach to my steering wheel in my car.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry anything like that. These are just meant to go on your desk next to your computer.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you don’t carry that. Why don’t you sell a book holder for a steering wheel?”

Me: “Maybe because we don’t want you to read while you’re driving?”

(A customer walked in about 30 minutes before we closed on Christmas Eve. We were closing early due to the holiday. Every customer that night was buying last minute gifts.)

Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

Customer: “A converter Box.”

Me: “Sure, let me show you what we have.”

Customer: “What’s this $40 off crap?”

Me: “If you go to DTV.gov, you can get a coupon for $40 off.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s some mail in rebate scam. Nevermind…”

Me: “Ok, shall I ring this up for you?”

Customer: “You seem to be in a bit of a hurry, what’s the rush?”

Me: “It’s Christmas Eve, and we close in 15 minutes. I want to get the store ready to close so I can leave as soon as possible.”

Customer: “You’re closing early for what?”

Me: “Christmas Eve.”

Customer: “Wow, they give you guys time off for anything these days!”

Me: *facepalm*

Manager: *facepalm

Another customer: *bursts out laughing*

Customer: “What!? Ugh, fine! I’ll take the box!”

(A customer wearing very affluent clothing walks over holding a “Dora the Explorer” plush doll.)

Customer: “Hello, can you help me?”

Me: “Certainly, what I can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’m looking one of these, but in white.”

Me: “Oh, you mean like this?” *shows the customer a similar plush toy but wearing a white dress*

Customer: “NO! NO! One that is WHITE!”

Me: *puzzled* “I’m sorry, but this is the only other one we have in stock…did you see it on our website? Was it another style of clothing?”

Customer: “NO! WHITE, LIKE ME!” *points at her face*

Me: “You mean…a Caucasian Dora?”

Customer: “YES! Where do you have them?”

Me: “Ma’am, Dora was designed to help people from different backgrounds come to understand their common ground; Dora therefore doesn’t come in a different skin tone. She is what she is.”

Customer: “WHAT? That is RIDICULOUS! Give me a WHITE DORA!”

Me: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but they simply don’t exist…”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll take my business elsewhere!” *storms out*

(I was finishing checking out an elderly man’s purchases when this exchange happened.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “When you’re 85 years old and you wake up with a pulse, and your next door neighbor isn’t hitting you over the head with a shovel, you’re having a good day.”

Me: “…”