(I was the second-in-command at a social services agency. One day, our receptionist asked me to take a phone call from a person who was very upset about the way she was being treated, and wanted to talk to the person in charge.)

Me: “Hello, I’m ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: *angry* “Are you in charge there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I am the most senior person here. What can I do for you?”

Caller: *yelling* “So you have a boss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “My supervisor isn’t here right now. I have the authority to help you, ma’am, if you’ll just let me know what it is you need–”

Caller: “I REFUSE TO SPEAK TO ANYONE BUT YOUR SUPERVISOR! YOU ARE ALL USELESS!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, my supervisor isn’t here right now. I am in charge.”

Caller: “YOU ARE USELESS!” *hangs up*

Me: *to the receptionist* “Did she tell you anything about what she needed?”

Receptionist: “Yes, she said she needed to take anger management classes.”

Me: “Thank you for calling **** support.”

Customer: “Um…I don’t think you’re going to believe this….”

Me: “What seems to be the issue today?”

Customer: “I think my computer was abducted!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I went to bed last night and my computer was on my dining room table. I woke up this morning late for work and rushed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I heard a crunch, and I figured it was a trash can or something.”

Me: “…OK. And what does this have to do with your computer, sir?”

Customer: “Well, when I checked it out it was my computer under the back tire. But I swear that it was still inside the house when I went to bed last night!”

Me: “OK sir, unfortunately your warranty does not cover extraterrestrial damage, so any repairs to the computer will have to be paid with a credit card.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want it fixed! I just wanted to let you know that your computers attract aliens. My insurance company already replaced it. I’m just waiting for it to arrive now.” *click*

(A coworker and I are chatting at the counter, when a guy comes up and dumps a Playstation 3
onto the counter.)

Customer: “It’s defective.”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Nothing happens when I plug it into my TV.”

Coworker: “OK, let me check on one of the ones we have.”

(My coworker takes the Playstation 3 and plugs it into a TV we have. It works fine.)

Coworker: “It doesn’t appear to be the Playstation 3. It’s probably the TV. Would you like to bring that in for us to have a look at?”

Customer: “Yeah. OK. I’ll bring it in later.”

(The customer grabs the Playstation 3 and leaves. He returns a few hours later and walks up to me, alone this time.)

Customer: “Hey, you were with the guy who served me earlier, right?”

Me: “Yes. You have the TV, sir?”

(The customer dumps the strangest TV ever onto the counter with the Playstation 3 beside it.)

Customer: “Here. It’s still not working.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “Sir, this isn’t a TV. It’s a microwave.”

Customer: “Duh! I know that!”

Me: “I don’t think the Playstation 3 will work on it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s a microwave. It’s used to cook food, not play games.”

Customer: “But it has a screen. Why wouldn’t it work?”

Me: *facepalm*

(I’m ringing up a man who is buying a new laptop.)

Customer: “So, what are your ethnicities?”

(This question didn’t strike me as odd, as people have wondered in the past.)

Me: “Half European and half Middle Eastern.”

Customer: “Oh, so like one of those terrorists…. just watered-down.”

Me: “Oh, I’m not watered-down, sir.” *holds out his receipt, smirking*

(The customer looks a bit freaked, grabs his receipt and takes off quickly with his stuff–except for his credit card.)

(I work as a receptionist at a place where they cut little kid’s hair. ¬†This one lady walks into the store with her child and decides to get her daughter’s hair cut).

Hairstylist: “Okay, before we start, are you sure you want this much off?” *shows length*

Customer: “Yes.”

Hairstylist: “Are you absolutely sure? ¬†It’s very very short, you want it ALL off of your daughter?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes!¬†I know what I want, I know what my daughter wants!”

Hairstylist: “Okay, if you’re sure.” ¬†

(She proceeds to cut the kid’s hair up to the desired length. The mother then starts wandering out of the store.)

Me: “Excuse me ma’am, may I suggest you please stay in the store? We want to make sure you see what is happening with your daughter’s cut.”

Customer: “But I have to go shopping. It’ll be fine.”

Me: “Yes, but we aren’t a babysitting service–”

Customer: “I’ll be right back!”

(The customer leaves.  The hairstylist finishes the cut and the poor kid is waiting for her mom.  She sits in a corner and plays with some toys until her mother comes back.)

Customer: *eyeing the haircut* “What!? It’s too short! Who said I gave you permission to cut it that short!”

Hairstylist: “But ma’am, I asked you three ti–”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!¬†I come in here and I pay all this money and you don’t do it the way I want it!”

Me: “But–”

Customer: “She’s supposed to be at a piano recital today! ¬†Now she’s going to be upset and can’t play! ¬†I can’t show her to the other parents now!¬†I’m calling the cops!”

Me: “…What?”

Customer: “I SAID I’M CALLING THE COPS, give me your phone!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t think the police will be interested in this. I can try and get the hairstylist to fix it for you–”

Customer: “I’M GOING!” ¬†

(She takes her child and storms out of the store.)

Hairstylist: “I take it she didn’t leave me a tip.”

Me: “She didn’t pay either…”

(I ended up calling mall security, and she sheepishly comes back later after calming down. A few months later, she comes back and wants the same hairstylist again. Go figure!)

(I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)

Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”

Me: “Your total is $42.98.”

Customer: “Wait, that can’t be right. Those pillows are on sale.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We just got these pillows in today. They won’t be on sale for at least a few more weeks.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! They say they’re on sale! You have to give me the sale price.”

Me: “Well, I’ll double-check for you, but I already sold a few others today and no one else paid a sale price for them.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar? Because I already checked! They all say they’re on sale!”

(She points to the price tags on the pillows that have been haphazardly covered up by sale stickers.)

Me: “Yes, and those sale stickers also say that these pillows are napkins.”

Related:
Fact Check Fail
Fibbing Fail
Cheapskates: FAIL
Guilt Trip: FAIL
Impersonating Your Boss: FAIL

Customer: “How many pine nuts are in your ‘Lemon Orzo with Pine Nuts’?”

Me: “A good amount, why?”

Customer: “Because my husband is allergic, and I was just wondering how much I’d be able to give to him.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, do you like your husband?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because it could very well kill him.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *nodding*

Customer: “Oh…”

Me: “Hi, what can I get for ya?”

Customer: “Yeah, um…do you guys serve breakfast?”

Me: “Oh no, sorry, we only serve brunch on Sundays. We have bagels and pastries in the case right there.” *pointing*

Customer: “Hmm, no, I really wanted breakfast.”

Me: “Sorry, it’s just Sundays.”

Customer: “But I smell bacon!”

Me: “Yeah, the cook is in the back prepping for the day, and we have some sandwiches with bacon on them.”

Customer: “I smell bacon! You serve breakfast! I want a hot breakfast!”

Me: “Uh, no… just brunch on Sundays. Our lunch starts at 11:00am if you want to come back.”

Customer: “NO! I smell bacon and I want breakfast now!” *storms out*

Me: “…”

Related: It’s Bacon! (YTMND)

(I overheard my coworker take this call…)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** tech support, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t have time to get into it right now! It’s not working, I’ll call back later!”

Coworker: “Okay… thank you for calling!”

Related:
I Just Called To Say I Hate You