(A man walks up to our hot case with his wife and two little girls.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi – we wanted to get some chicken strips.”

(As I am taking his order, I notice his daughters licking the hot case glass.)

Me: “Excuse me sir, but your daughters are licking the glass.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well…aside from the fact that the glass is hot, we cleaned it this morning with a chemical cleaner to wash off a layer of grease build-up.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “The chemical we used is a known carcinogen. I might suggest that you stop your daughters from ingesting it.”

Customer: “Look, lady. You’ve obviously never been a parent. When you have kids, you’ll learn that it’s MUCH easier to just let your kids do whatever they want.”

Me: “All right sir, here’s your meal.”

Customer: “Thanks a lot!”

Me: “Have a nice day.”

Customer: *serious* “Don’t tell me what to do!”

(I received this call from a customer requesting web site support.)

Customer: “I want to order from you, but it says that my state is ‘Invalid’!”

Me: “What state are you putting in?”

Customer: “‘The Great State Of Texas’!”

Me: “Are you putting that whole phrase in the box?”

Customer: “Well, it ran out of room after the ‘t’ and the ‘h’.”

Me: “When you put in the state on our site, you need to use the 2-letter state code set up by the United States Post Office.”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “The United States Post Office has a code for each state and territory of the United States. Texas would be ‘TX’.”

Customer: “WHAT?! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW TO SEND IT TO THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS IF IT ONLY SAYS ‘TX’?! MY ORDER WOULD BE LOST!”

Me: “Actually, I’m pretty sure that the United States Post Office would know that ‘TX’ is ‘The Great State Of Texas’….”

Customer: *types it in* “Oh, look at that – it worked. Can you hold on for a second? I want to call the Post Master of our town and confirm this….”

Customer: “Excuse me…where is your dog cookbook section?”

Me: “Um…dog cookbooks?”

Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DOG COOKBOOKS? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DOG FOR CHRISTMAS?”

Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

Customer: *storms out*

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Realtors, this is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in 734 **** Street. Could you tell me more information about it?”

Me: “You must mean 732 **** Street?”

Customer: “No, 734.”

Me: “Does the house have a sign in the yard that says **** Realtors?”

Customer: “No, but the one next door does. I figured I’d just call you guys since you sell houses.”

Me: “Has it occurred to you that somebody probably lives in 734 **** Street?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, but can’t you just, like…give it to me?”

Me: “You want me to call the family and tell them that they have to leave their house because I’m selling it to you?”

Customer: “Yeah, that would be good. And can I move in by Thursday? I’m all packed.”

(It took a good 15 minutes to explain to him that I couldn’t just sell random peoples’ homes.)

(When special order books come in we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order – some book about 9/11.)

Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

Me: “Um…Ok, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

Me: “…would you like a bag, sir?”

Customer: *starts laughing* “No thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”