Me: “Did you need a bag for that?”

Customer: “Yes… oh, do you have plastic? Can I have one?”

Me: “Sure.” *hands her a plastic bag*

Customer: “I thought you guys were like Whole Foods. They got rid of all their plastic bags.”

Me: “Well, I know they’re trying to ban plastic bags in Boston…”

Customer: *suddenly agitated* “A company shouldn’t need a law to do the right thing!”

Me: “Oh… we keep ours because some of our customers still prefer plastic bags over paper.”

Customer: *suddenly nice* “Oh I know! I got one!”

Me: “What else do you want?”

Customer: “Peppers.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Customer: “… Peppers.”

Me: “We have three kinds of peppers not including salt and pepper. Which kind of these do you want?”

Customer: “PEPPERS.”

Me: “Do you want banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, or green peppers?”

Customer: “PEP-PERS.”

Me: “Do you want these?” *holds up the green peppers*

Customer: “Yes, those! Jesus Christ, don’t you guys know what a green pepper is?!”

Me: *after completing an order* “Thank you; your total is $8.28.”

Customer: “$8.28? How is that? The #2 meal is $6.99, and it’s only 69 cents to make it a large! That’s not $8.28.”

Me: “Umm…there’s a 60 cent tax.”

Customer: “I didn’t order no tax!”

Me: “No, there’s a tax on the food.”

Customer: “But I don’t want tax on my sandwich!”

Me: “Sales tax?”

Customer: “Oh. OH! Sorry.”

Associate: *to me* “For the love of God, was she serious?!”

Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

Customer: “What? Why?!”

Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

Customer: “But…why?”

Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to underaged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “Because…smoking is dangerous.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads “SMOKING KILLS”. Wasn’t that a hint?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just…ugh. Just give me some gum!”

Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Travel, this is ****, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yes. You’re located in Alaska, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Is that near Hawaii?”

Me: “No, sir. Not at all.”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna talk to a manager. This map shows y’all are right next to each other, and I wanna know why one’s so dang hot and the other’s so dang cold.”

Me: “Sir, you’re actually reading the insets on a map of the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii are several thousand miles apart.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a metal business card case.”

Me: “Well, we really only carry leather here – would you like me to show them to you?”

Customer: “No, it needs to be metal. Where can I get one?”

Me: “Well, I know of a place in the mall, but they market them as cigarette cases. If you just ask the man at the counter for one, he can–”

Customer: *interrupting* “I ain’t buying no cigarette case, I ain’t no smoker.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you they’re not used or anything, it’s just that the original concept came from cigarette cases, and people adapted them into wallets.”

Customer: “Well, I ain’t buyin no cigarette case, so you best tell me where I can get a business card case.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s the only place I know of. They’re the exact same product: a metal case with two prongs on the inside for–”

Customer: “I ain’t no heathen woman, and I ain’t gonna carry around no wicked cigarette box while I’m at church! Do you expect me to?!”

Me: “No ma’am, I just don’t think you’ll find one at that store if you’re asking for a business card case.”

Customer: “No, you WON’T!” *storms out*

Me: “…what?”

Customer: *calling on the phone* “Hello, I’d like to make an appointment with the groomer. My dog won’t get up and walk around, and every time I touch his leg, he whimpers. I think it may be broken.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think the groomer is the best place to take an animal with a broken leg. Your best bet would be to call a vet, and have them look at the animal.”

Customer: “Vets are expensive. A groomer deals with animals as well – shouldn’t they know everything a vet does?”

Me: “Ma’am, bringing a dog with a broken leg to a groomer is like bringing a kid with a broken leg to a hairdresser. I think a vet would be a much better choice.”

Customer: “Well, I NEVER! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Me: “I wont lie to you; that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever had to say. You have a nice day.” *hangs up*

Customer: “I need to return this toothbrush.”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No – I thought it would work.”

Me: “How did it not work?”

Customer: “Well, it said it had indicator bristles, and when I peed on them they didn’t change color! How is it supposed to indicate if I’m pregnant or not?!”

Me: “Ma’am…they’re to indicate whether the toothbrush needs replacing, not whether you’re pregnant.”

Customer: *looks sheepish and leaves*

Me: *to manager* “I’m going on break now…”