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    Archive for 2008

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    If You Control Your Movements Enough, Then Yes

    | Indiana, USA |

    (I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

    Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
    stripes magically appear?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

    Customer Service, Metaphorically Speaking

    | Florida, USA |

    (A woman comes up to me at the customer service desk with a piece of paper that has [bike brand] and a bunch of numbers written on it.)

    Me: “How can I be of service to you today?”

    Customer: “I need to return my bike.”

    Me: “All right, is there anything wrong with it? And do you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “I don’t have a receipt, but here’s the bike number. And yes, I went to a professional bike repair guy who told me that all the spokes are rusted, and it would cost $50 to replace.”

    Me: “Ok – we don’t return bikes in a ‘used’ state, only ‘new’. But we do repair them.”

    Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t return bikes? The spokes are all rusted!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s just how the company policy is.”

    Customer: “Can YOU repair it, right now?”

    Me: “No; we have a handy man come here a couple of times a week to do the repairs.”

    Customer: “Well, I need this bike now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we only do repairs. The guy will be here Tuesday.”

    (I look around for her bike…)

    Me: “So…where is the bike? So I can put the repair label on it?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I don’t have it with me now! I can’t ride the bike here! And it doesn’t fit in my car!”

    Me: “Well…I need the bike here to do returns and repairs, accompanied by a receipt.”

    Customer: “I need a receipt too?!”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *storms out*

    You’re Just Compounding The Issue

    , | Kitchener, Ontario, Canada |

    (A customer had purchased a few items and was double-checking her receipt after the transaction went through. She had a membership card at the store, so she got a 10% discount.)

    Customer: “So I got my discount on this?”

    Me: “Yep, see there on each item it says ‘Member 10%’, and it shows what you saved.”

    Customer: “Wait…is it 10% off each item, or 10% off the total?”

    Me: “10% off the total. Well, it works out the same either way.”

    Customer: “I thought it was supposed to be 10% off each item. I should be getting a bigger discount on the total.”

    Me: “No, you got your discount! 10% off each item adds up to the same amount as 10% off the total.”

    Customer: “No, I got 10% off the first item. Then 10% off the second item, so that’s 20%. And 10% off the third item; that’s 30%!”

    Me: *pause* “No, that’s…that’s not how percentages work… I can show you on a calculator; it works out the same. You are getting the right discount.”

    Customer: “No, it’s all right. But I know I won’t be getting this card again. I was told I was going to be getting a 10% discount on each item, and this really isn’t fair.”

    (Maybe I should have mentioned to her that I’m a math major…)

    That’s A Talented Cow

    , | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a turkey sub. No. Ham. I’ll have a ham and cheese sub.”

    Me: “What kind of cheese would you like?”

    Customer: “Bologna.”

    Diagnostics Through Osmosis

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (I was working part-time in my dad’s shop when a customer came in with a blue Kia Pride.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My car don’t work.”

    Me: “OK, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It don’t work.”

    Me: “Um, could you specify, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I just told you, it don’t work.”

    Me: “Uh, OK…let me just take a look to see what the problem is.”

    Customer: “No!!”

    Me: “Huh? Why?!”

    Customer: “Nobody goes into my property, and my car is my property!!”

    Me: “But I have to see your car to know what the problem is, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I just told you! It don’t work!”

    Me: “…”

    (Turns out, she just ran out of gas.)


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