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    The Joys Of Self Righteousness

    | Unknown Location, USA | Top

    Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

    Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

    Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

    Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

    Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

    (I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

    Woman: “Did it come up?”

    Me: “Yes it did.”

    Woman: “What did it say?”

    Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

    Woman: “Oh my god!”

    Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

    Woman: “Why do you need that?”

    Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

    Woman: *click*

    At Least She Has The General Idea

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

    Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

    Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

    *A light goes on in my head*

    Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??”

    Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

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