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Resistance Is Futile

| Athens, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(Woman is filling out a library card application.)

Librarian: “Ma’am, I need your middle name as well.”

Woman: “Why?”

Librarian: “We have a lot of duplicate entries, so we’re required to ask for middle names now.”

Woman: “I don’t want to give you my middle name.”

Librarian: “Ma’am, I already have your social security number. Giving me your middle name won’t hurt.”

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

| Dallas, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them, you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butt hole.”

Customer: “Well up yours too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient “up yours” and get away with it!)

Back In My Day, Everyone Had Herpes

| San Francisco | Uncategorized

Cashier: “Hello.”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Um, why?”

Old Lady #2: “What is that on your tongue?”

Old Lady #1: “Is that the herpes?”

Cashier: *sticks out tongue and points to a pink tongue piercing* “This?”

Old Lady #1: “Yes, what is that?”

Cashier: “A tongue piercing.”

Old Lady #1: *looks to Old Lady #2* “Oh! We thought it was the herpes!”

Cashier: “Uh, no. Just a pink plastic piercing.”

Old Lady #2: “Oh good! I didn’t think they let people with STDs come to work!”

Touché, Part Deux

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you…I do apologize sir, your payment was received 15 days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see, can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately no, you have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your g** d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about 4-5 minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g** d*** mo**** f****** Visa card and shove it up your g** d*** mo**** fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry sir, my a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

Related:
Touché

Shopping Amongst The Commoners

| Columbus, OH, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

Customer: *gives last name*

Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cashwrap, to find the book*

Customer: *comes behind the cashwrap and looks too*

Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

Me: *finds book, completes sale*

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker, laughing: “Do you know who that was?”

Me: “Well…he looked familiar.”

Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

(I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy who ever came into the store.)

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