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    Archive for 2008

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    It’s Best To Not Get Involved

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    (I’m putting up price tags, and a woman is heard screaming on her phone off in the distance.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I ever make you happy? Nothing I ever do for you is enough…. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY!”

    (She stops at the condoms section; the section I’m working on at the time, and grabs a 30-pack of condoms.)

    Customer: “You know what? I’m getting condoms at ****. BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.” *storms off*

    Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

    | Moore, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am seeing ‘Searching For Satellite Signal’ on all of my receivers.”

    Me: “Well, usually that is caused by the dish being a little bit out of alignment. Could you go outside and tell me if the dish appears to be moved, or if there’s anything different about it at all?”

    Customer: “There are holes everywhere in the dish.”

    Me: “Holes?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there were a bunch of birds on the dish last night so I shot them off.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately, this would be considered abuse and it will cost you $80 to get a technician over there to replace the dish.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s your equipment. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

    Me: “Sir, you shot the dish. You ruined it. In all actuality, that dish is yours to keep. If you ever leave us you get to keep the dish, and you also get to keep the dish you shot.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m still right!”

    Me: “Well, you still have to pay the $80.”

    Customer: “What would I use that old dish for anyway? Why can’t you take it?”

    Me: “We do not retrieve old dishes due to policy. I hear you could use it as a nice sled, though.”

    Wictor Wictoria

    | Philippines |

    (I used to work for a call center that handled an American credit card account. My coworker relayed the following transaction to me.)

    Customer Service Rep: “Okay, I have your account here; could you verify your full name please?”

    Customer: *garbled name*

    CSR: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t quite catch that… could you spell it for me please?”

    Customer: “T…O…Wee…”

    CSR: “Sorry, was that P?”

    Customer: “No, Wee.”

    CSR: “E? As in Eagle?”

    Customer: “NO! Wee! Wee!”

    CSR: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand…”

    Customer: “Wee! As in Wictor! As in WICTORY!”

    This…Is…Spyware!

    , | Texas, USA | Technology, Top

    Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

    Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

    Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

    Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

    Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

    Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

    Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

    Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

    Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

    Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

    Floats and Brimstone

    , | Minnesota, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yes sir?”

    Customer: “I need a new root beer float; the ice cream in this one is melting.”

    Me: “Well, I can get you a new one, but it’s a hot day so the same thing will eventually happen.”

    Customer: “I asked for a root beer float! Not root beer soup!”

    Me: “I can’t control the weather sir, but I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I get him a new float, but by the time I get it out to him, it’s starting to melt.)

    Customer: “This one’s melting too!”

    Me: “It’s still hot out–but it will taste the same, I promise.”

    Customer: “Promise me something else too.”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Customer: “Go to hell!”

    Me: “It appears we’re both already there, sir. That’s why your ice cream is melting.”


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