Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes sir?”

Customer: “I need a new root beer float; the ice cream in this one is melting.”

Me: “Well, I can get you a new one, but it’s a hot day so the same thing will eventually happen.”

Customer: “I asked for a root beer float! Not root beer soup!”

Me: “I can’t control the weather sir, but I’ll see what I can do.”

(I get him a new float, but by the time I get it out to him, it’s starting to melt.)

Customer: “This one’s melting too!”

Me: “It’s still hot out–but it will taste the same, I promise.”

Customer: “Promise me something else too.”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “Go to hell!”

Me: “It appears we’re both already there, sir. That’s why your ice cream is melting.”

(I happened to be on call-quality monitoring when one of my coworkers got this call.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** Gifts, my name is ****. How can I help you?”

Caller: *with a thick accent* “Do you have anyone there that speaks Spanish?”

Coworker: “No, I’m afraid we do not. Is there anything I can do for you, ma’am?”

Caller: “Where is my check?”

Coworker: “…your check?”

Caller: “Yes, where is my check?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t think I follow–”

Caller: “Where is my child support check?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, we sell candies and cookies. We don’t have your check.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Coworker: “…Because we’re a gift-ordering service. We don’t handle child support checks.”

Caller: “Well, can you give me the number to the child support check people?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t know what that number is. We aren’t connected with them in any way.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Coworker: “…”

(I was helping a customer sign into their email.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple’.”

Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”

Related:
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

Customer: “Come here! I’m going to bite your nipples off!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Aww…I’m sorry. Listen, come by my office and I’ll give you a free massage.” *gives me his business card*

Customer: “Do you guys have an ATM machine here?”

Me: “Er, no, sorry.”

Customer: “I see one right there!”

Me: “Um … that’s a telephone booth, sir.”

Customer: *squinting and walking toward it* “No, it’s an ATM.”

Me: “No. No it’s not. It’s definitely a telephone booth.”

Customer: “Oh. Well…there’s one beside it!”

Me: “That is a freezer, sir. We store ice in it to sell to campers for their coolers.”

Customer: “Why does it say ‘ice’ on it? What kind of ATM says ‘ice’?” *opening the ice box* “It’s an ice box.”

Me: ” …”

(I work at an incoming call center for a well known adult website. Most of our calls deal with technical problems or issues with logging-in to the sites. Most of them, anyway….)

Caller: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m having some issues here.”

Me: “That’s what we’re here for! What can I do to help?”

Caller: “Well, I’m sitting here looking at all these beautiful women and, well, I just can’t seem to get an erection.”

Me: “Sir…that is NOT something that I can help you with!”