(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We had gotten a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [theme park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everythin’!”

Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone too! See?! These ain’t my towels, I know because we had used ours last night and draped `em over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

(I look around the bathroom–it looked tidy and neat. Clean towels were hanging on the towel rack, new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! Ah know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels and give you new–”

(The man begins shouting.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “Its called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

Customer: “Well I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

Me: “… sir, it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

Me: “Alright, sir…”

(The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently he used the same 4 towels the whole time and split a 1 oz bottle of shampoo for 4 people over 6 days.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

(The client looks at name on desk; my name’s Hattie.)

Client: “Your name is so stupid.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t help that. It’s not so bad. ”

Client: “Your parents must really hate you.”

Me: “No, I’m sure they don’t. How can I help?”

Client: “I want to check my registration. Name’s Horace Gumptin.”

Me: *stifles giggle*

Client: “Are you laughing at me? Your name rhymes with fattie!”

(I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grand Son!” birthday card.)

Customer: “Hello… I only have this one birthday card.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”

(The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)

Customer: “Now how does this know who I am?!”

Me: “… excuse me?”

Customer: “It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”

Me: “Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”

Customer: “Well!”

(She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)

Customer: “And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”

Me: “Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Why do you need my address?!”

Me: “Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure. And it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”

Customer: “This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”

Me: “Um, I promise you, I am not. And I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”

Customer: “You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!”"

Me: “Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”

Customer: “If you work in the photo department, that could be photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”

Me: “Umm, okay…” *calls manager*

Manager: “What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “This thief is stealing my personal identity!”

Manager: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”

Manager: “Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”

(My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)

Manager: “Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”

Customer: “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON!? YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story

(A woman in medical scrubs with a name badge enters the store and approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Helllooo! How are YOU tonight?”

Me:¬†”I’m doing well. How are you?”

Customer: “Oh, just fine. Are you voting in this year’s election?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Customer: “Have you considered John McCain?”

Me: “Well, no, not really.”

Customer: “No? Who are you voting for, OBAMA?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “OBAMA! HA HA HA!”

(She continues to laugh maniacally, inserting “OBAMA” between laughs. After a little while, she comes to the register with a few rentals.)

Customer: “Hellooo! How are you tonight?”

Me: “Still doing well… did you find what you were looking for?”

Customer: “Have you thought at all about this year’s election?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “We just had this conversation.”

Customer: “Oh.¬†Who are you voting for? I’m voting for Obama. I just want our troops to come home.”

Me: “You just laughed at me for not wanting to vote for McCain!”

Customer: *confused look* “Really?¬†I’m so tired when I get out of work!”

Caller: ¬†”My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

Me: “What would you like me to do?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Me: “Hello sir, can I help?”

Customer: “I want the 20 piece bargain bucket.”

Me: “Well, there will be a five minute wait. We have only just opened and don’t have that quantity cooked yet.”

Customer: “Fine.”

(He pays and takes a seat. About three minutes later, he approaches the counter again.)

Customer: “Where the f*** is my food?! I have been waiting half an hour!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. We have only been open five minutes there is no way you have been waiting thirty minutes.”

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Pizza, would you like the special?”

Caller: “No thanks, I’d just like a large Quattro Cheese pizza.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

Caller: “And… no feta on one side.”

Me: “Okay, no feta on one side.”

Caller: “I mean it! NO feta on the one side! GOD HELP YOU IF THERE IS FETA!”

Me: “Okay, no feta on one side!”

(I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

Me: “Good morning, Dr. ***’s Office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. ***. Can I speak with him?”

Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. ***?”

Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940’s.”

Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. *** wasn’t born at that time.”

Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950’s. It was in the 1950’s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

Caller: “Then it was the 1960’s, d*** it! It was at the [hospital] in Alberta in the 1960’s.”

Me: “Dr. *** has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

Me: “Well, considering that Dr. *** is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Wow…”

(A customer is looking in our pet store’s front window at our display of hamsters, rats and mice.)

Customer: “I want to make a complaint.”

Me: “Sure, would you like me to get the store manager?”

Customer: “Yes, right this minute.”

(I get the manager.)

Manager: “Yes, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you would actually have sick rats on display in the front window! I am going to call the humane society and have this store shut down!¬†I am sickened that would actually have poor rats that have CANCER in the storefront window!”

Manager: “… cancer?”

Customer: ¬†” YES! Just look at the size of those TUMORS on the poor backsides of all those rats in that cage!”

Manager: “Um, ma’am… those are their testicles. They are full grown male rats.”

Customer: ¬†*blushes* “… oh. Sorry.”