Tech Support | Utah, USA
Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?”
Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”
Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Can you try a different port?”
(I hear scuffling in the background.)
Customer: “It works now.”
Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”
Customer: “But why?”
Me: “Because it’s burned out.”
Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”
Me: “…”
Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”
Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”
Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”
Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”
Customer: *hangs up*
Cube mate: “Terrorists?”
Video Rental Store | Boise, ID, USA
(It’s past closing time and I’ve just dealt with a rush of 3 new applications that took 15 minutes each, and am moving on to the next customer.)
Me: “Sorry about that, what can I do for you?”
Customer: “Well, these movies aren’t working. They are all scratched.”
Me: “Sorry about that. Pick whatever you want and I’ll exchange them.”
Customer: “Thank you.”
(A few minutes later, a big, flannel clad man walks in.)
Customer’s husband: “My wife was just in here for half an hour! ”
Me: “I’m sorry about that…” *explains situation*
Customer’s husband: “I don’t care! You need to have more than one register open! Where is your manager?!”
Me: “He is in the back. We were suppose to close 45 minutes ago which is why I’m the only one on the register.”
Customer’s husband: “You idiot! I need to see him now!”
Me: “He’ll be here… now calm down!”
Customer’s husband: “YOU MADE MY PREGNANT WIFE STAND IN LINE FOR HALF AN HOUR!”
Me: “Well, sir… maybe you should have been a man and came in here instead of your wife.”
Customer’s husband: *speechless*
(My manager had to pretend to fire me in front of him, but we later joked about him in the back room.)
Tech Support | Ontario, Canada
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Original Story
Retail | Ontario, Canada
(I work at a bulk food store, where prices are given on the bins for 100 grams, and 1 pound of the product.)
Customer: “Why isn’t this weighing in pounds? The sign had it in pounds!”
Me: “The signs have it in both pounds and grams, and since Canada uses the metric system, we weigh according to kilograms.”
Customer: “Kilograms are not grams!”
Me: “Grams go into kilograms, sir.”
Customer: “No they don’t! I am the customer, and I want this scale to weigh in pounds!”
(Note that this is a scale only weighs in kilograms, with ‘kg’ painted on permanently next to the display.)
Me: “That’s impossible, sir.”
Customer: “No it’s not, it’s what I want. I work with computers. I can change this.”
Me: “… You do that.”
Tech Support | Ontario, Canada
Me: “Hello, *** Computers. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”
Me: “Yes we can sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”
Customer: “Yeah, well my son was looking at porn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”
Me: “Alright, then sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”
Customer: “Yeah, can you save my porn?”
Me: “I’m… sorry?”
Customer: “Can you save my porn?”
Me: “Yes sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”
Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my porn.”
Me: “Yes sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”
Customer: “–and my porn.”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*
(Fortunately, he never came in.)
Call Center | Des Moines, IA, USA
(I’ve just done a sales pitch for internet service.)
Customer: “Oh honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know that to do with the internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”
Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”
Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”
Me: “I don’t know, I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”
Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”
Related:
Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms
College | Boston, MA, USA
(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)
Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”
Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ‘09 instead of May?”
Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ‘08!”
Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”
Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”
Deli | Knoxville, TN, USA
(I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)
Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”
Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”
Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”
Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”
Me: “Would I… what?”
Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”
Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”
Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”
Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”
Male caller: “Would you?”
Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”
Male caller: *click*
Grocery Store | Tulsa, OK, USA
Customer: “Where is your manager?”
Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “These cones are the problem. There are too many.”
Me: “You bought too many cones?”
Customer: “Kid, read this for me. That box says 12 cones, right? Well I bought it for my daughter’s birthday party yesterday and opened it up to find 14 cones. That’s false advertising! I could sue your a** off for doing that. Now get me the g**d**n manager!”
Me: “Sir, please accept my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered.”
(I open the box, remove two cones, and hand it back to him.)
Customer: *muttering* “A man’s got to get his money’s worth…”
Call Center | San Diego, CA, USA
Me: “This is Mark, can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”
Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”
Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”
Customer: “Well, this is bulls***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”
Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”
Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”
Me: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”
Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”
Me: “… Alright then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a *** que tenga un buen dia.” *click*
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