Customer: “I’m looking for a clock radio.”

Me: “Certainly. Our clock radios are over on these shelves here. Is there any particular style or brand you’re looking for?”

Customer: “This one looks alright. It’s made here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I believe that one is manufactured in China.”

Customer: “S***, you’re kidding! Well, what about this one?”

Me: “That’s also a [electronics brand], ma’am; that’s also made in China.”

Customer: “S***, I DON’T WANT ANY BLOODY CHINESE S***. SHOW ME ONE THAT ISN’T CHINESE!”

Me: “Well, this particular model over here is a [another reputable electronics brand], with all of the same functions.”

Customer: “Not from China?”

Me: “No, this one’s made in Japan.”

Customer: “S***, I TOLD YOU I DON’T WANT ANY F****** CHINESE GARBAGE! *points to first radio* “Just give me that one there.”

Me: “Uh… ma’am, that one is made in China, and the last one wasn’t…”

Customer: “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A S***?!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [costume store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, do you guys have costumes?”

Me: *sarcastically* “No, I’m afraid we’re a tax accounting service.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I write off a costume rental on my taxes?”

Related:
Well Played, Indeed

(I was standing in line behind a group of girls who had bought a pack of pencils.)

First girl: “Can we get a bag?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, I’ve already given you one. I’m afraid I can’t give you another.”

Second girl: “Why not? The woman ahead of us got three bags!”

Cashier: “Yes, and all three of them were full. I can’t give you another bag.”

First girl: “That is bull****! You gave her all those bags and can’t fork over one more for me?! ”

Cashier: “I’m sorry… no, I can’t. She needed the bags for the items she purchased. ”

(The third girl grabs a pack of gum and throws it on the counter.)

Third girl: “Fine. If we get this, can we get another bag?”

Cashier: “No, you can fit that in your first bag. There are other customers wait–”

First girl: “F*** you! You’re just doin’ this ‘cuz we’re teenagers! This is age discrimination!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but–”

Second girl: “We want to see your manager!”

Cashier: “I need to help other customers in line. I’m sorry I can’t–”

First girl: “You need to help me, b****! I’m asking you for a bag!”

Cashier: “Store policy is–”

Second girl: “We don’t give a s*** about your store policy! Just give us a d***ed bag!”

(I was in a hurry and by this time I just wanted to get out. Figuring any plastic bag would do, I emptied one that I had already.)

Me, to the girls: “Here, you can have this one. I don’t need it.”

Third girl: “Excuse me? Did I ask YOU for help?”

Me: “No, but if it’s a plastic bag you want, I honestly don’t need it.”

Second girl: “Would you mind your own business?”

Elderly woman behind me: “Jumping Jesus, young lady, it’s a plastic bag! You could find one in a garbage can if you wanted it that badly!”

(My mother told me this story, which happened to her as a cashier when she was in college.)

My mom: “Are you going to pay for that other Coke?”

Male customer: “What Coke?”

My mom: “… The one in your pants?”

Male customer: “That’s not a Coke, that’s my penis!”

My mom: “If that’s your penis, I am going home with you right now!”

Male customer: *slams coke on the counter and walks out*

Related:
Grannies: Gotta Love ‘Em
Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em

Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”

Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”

Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”

Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”

Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time, and I’ve never seen you!”

Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”

Customer: “Make me leave, see what happens!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”

Customer: “Call security, I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Be my guest… that’d be awesome.”

Customer: “I’m the store manager of [store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”

Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me, to employee: “What game was it, anyway?”

Employee: “… Nintendogs.”

(Note: We always give a proof to customers prior to printing to make sure they get what they want, then follow up with a phone call.)

Me: “Hi, did you get the proof?”

Customer: “Yes, go ahead and run the job.”

Me: “Okay. Thanks.”

(I print her stuff and have it delivered. She calls about an hour later.)

Customer: “I got my stuff but it’s wrong!”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “The color’s all wrong!”

Me: “But I printed them exactly like the proof! Didn’t you say you got the proof and you approved it?”

Customer: “I’m supposed to LOOK at the proof?!”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to return this d*** camera.”

Me: “Sure, was it not working?”

Customer: “I just don’t want it, okay?”

Me: “Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”

Customer: “Oh. No… no, it hasn’t been opened.”

(I look and the box has been clearly opened, with a torn seal.)

Me: “Uh… are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”

Customer:  ”LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A F***ING LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you just–”

Customer: “THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”

Customer: “That’s right you will!”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “It’s in the box.”

(Note: I’m calling to renew magazine subscriptions.)

Me: “Hello, may I speak with ***?”

Customer: “This is him, and you know… I’ve gotten five calls from Boise Idaho today!”

Me: “So sorry, but I assure you it wasn’t us. Our system only calls once per day.”

Customer: “Do you work for them! Do you work for Boise Idaho?”

Me: “Yeah, I guess. But there are a number of call centers here in Boise. Maybe one of them called you?”

Customer: “No! It was Boise Idaho! You know what? This is what’s going to happen… let me have your name!”

Me: *gives name*

Customer: “Well, son, you are now involved in a lawsuit! I am suing Boise Idaho and everyone who works for Boise Idaho!”

Me: “… Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yes! I get calls all the time from Boise Idaho and I’m sick of it! I’m on a do not call list!”

Me: “Well, you subscribed to this magazine, so the list doesn’t apply. However, I can put you on our system’s do not call list and we will never bother you again.”

Customer: “This is so illegal. I’m taking your job and suing Boise Idaho!”

Me: “I wish you the best of luck in suing Boise, Idaho sir, I really do.” *click*

(At our credit union, we have one teller with a neurological disorder that causes a constant, but mild tremor in her hands.)

Customer: *shouts across the lobby* “Hey, you, are you the manager?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Then get your a** over here!”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “This woman is sitting here shaking in her g**d*** boots waiting on me and son because we are [race].”

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you she is not shaking because you are [race]. She is treating you the same way she treats every member.

Customer: ”NO!” *points at teller* “You are a racist! I have never seen someone so scared of [race]. This is blatant discrimination!”

Teller: “Ma’am, I have an illness that causes me mild tremors. It has nothing to do with you.”

Customer: “Well, I feel like I am being discriminated against. If you really do have an illness there should be a sign over your window telling people about it so they can avoid coming to your window so they don’t get scared and upset.”

Me: “Now that would be discrimination, right?”

Customer: *storms off*

Client: “I need to see if I can get a settlement advancement because I only have enough money to pay my rent or electricity bill.”

Me: “I will talk to the adjuster and see if we can get an advancement, but they don’t have to give you one and we can not force them.”

Client: “That’s great, thank you… but which bill should I pay?”

Me: “I am not going to tell you what to do, but let me ask you this: what good is electricity if you do not have a place to live?”

Client: “So, which bill should I pay then?”

Me: “… Really?”