Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center, how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

Customer: “… So, those f***ing f***ots can get benefits, but I can’t?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married, they don’t.”

Customer: “Those f***ing f***ots, f***ing us over anyway they can!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have the option to get married, they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “… A diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*

Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”

Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “Where are you located?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”

Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”

Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”

Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”

Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”

Caller: “Huh? Junction?”

Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”

Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”

Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*

(I work at a video game store, and I’m one of the few female employees.)

Customer: *hands me a 360 box* “I need this game on the PS3.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this game is actually only made for the Xbox 360 and PC.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I know I’ve seen it on the PS3!”

Me: “No… the company that makes this game works exclusively for Microsoft. Sony doesn’t have the rights to sell this game on their consoles.”

Customer: “Well, let me talk to one of the MALE employees. Maybe he can find this game on the PS3 for me.”

(The customer walks over to my fellow employee.)

Customer, to male employee: “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Can you show me where I can find the PS3 version?”

Male employee: “Umm… she is correct. That game is made by a Microsoft owned company. It will probably never come out on the PS3 unless Microsoft decides to sell the rights to that game to Sony.”

Customer: “That’s it! I’ve had enough! ALL I WANT IS THIS GAME ON THE PS3! IT SHOULDN’T BE THAT DIFFICULT! LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Male Employee: *points to me* “There she is.”

Customer: “Ah!!!” *throws game on floor and storms out*

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help?”

Caller: “Is there a Kristie there?”

Me: “We have a Kristie, but is she an older woman or younger woman?”

Caller: “Older. She’s like a manager.”

Me: “Oh… well, then you need to call the Newport Beach store. She’s at that one.”

Caller: “Oh! Okay, what’s their number?”

Me: *gives number*

Caller: “Okay… now, can you transfer me?”

Me: “Um… no, we don’t do that. We’re not a call center.”

Caller: “Okay, so how do I call them?”

Me: “… You dial the number I just gave you.”

Caller: “But how do I do that?”

Me: “You dial 1, then the numbers I gave you.”

Caller: “Is that it?”

Me: “Can I ask how you dialed this store?”

Caller: “I dialed 411!”

Me: “Have you been 411-ing your entire life with the phone?”

Caller: “Of course. How else do you dial other people?!”

Me: “Uhh… well, then you’re all set. Thanks and have a good day.”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer: ”My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone?  Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube ***.”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me: ”Riiight.”

Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Why haven’t I received my movie?”

Me: “Which one was it?”

(He gives me the name of the movie, and I check on the computer to see if that title is available.)

Me: “Sorry sir, we don’t have it on stock yet, but we will have your copy by Wednesday.”

Customer: “But you have it already for rental!” *goes to the shelf and brings me one of the cases*

Me: “Yes, but those are for rental only. We receive a few copies for rental only, and a few days after we get the ones for sale.”

Customer: “Then give me this one.”

Me: “That one is exclusively for rental.”

Customer: “F*** it. I’m leaving!” *storms out of the store with the DVD*

Me: “Hey!”

(I call mall security. A few minutes later, a guard comes laughing to the store.)

Guard: “Is this the stolen DVD?”

Manager: “Yes, thank you.”

Guard: “We found him trying to get in his car and two kids were inside. When we got him the kids started to cry, but not because we were taking his grandpa into custody.”

Me: “Then why?”

Guard: *laughs* “They were crying because they weren’t getting the movie today.”

Related:
Family Values

Customer: “I’d like to complain about these donuts I bought.”

Me: “Okay, Madam, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “They’re stale. I bought them, went to eat them and they’re stale! I want my money back!”

Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Let me have a look at them and we’ll sort this out.”

(I look at the bad donuts.)

Me: “Ah, I see your problem, Madam. When did you buy these?”

Customer: “About two weeks ago. Why?”

Me: “Well, the use by date was about ten days ago which explains why they were stale.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “You have to eat them by the use by date or they’ll go stale. I can’t give you your money back.”

Customer: “This makes no sense! I didn’t get a chance to eat them so I want my money back!”

(A customer pulls up and parks in a handicapped spot in front of the store.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a fresh squeezed orange juice.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, we just cleaned our juicer and the chemical that we use had to dry or else it’s toxic. We won’t be able to squeeze any juice until tomorrow.”

Customer: “What the f***? This is the second time this has happened.”

Me: “Well, we clean it a half hour before we close–”

Customer: “You should put up a sign!”

Me: “Oh, um. Well, I’ll mention that to my manager–”

Customer: “PUT UP A SIGN!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t have the authority to do that, but I’ll–”

Customer: “JUST PUT UP A SIGN!”

Me: “Oh, and you’re parked in a handicapped zone.”

Customer: “THEY SHOULD–”

Me: “Yes, they have a sign up, sir.”