(At our natural foods store, a customer swipes her card through the debit machine and is looking at me funny.)

Customer: “Um… where is the stylus?”

Me: “This machine doesn’t have one; we have a pen to sign anything. Did you want that as credit?”

Customer: “No, I want to enter my pin number but I don’t understand how I am supposed to do that with no stylus.”

Me: “Oh, well… you just press the buttons.”

Customer: “You mean I have to use my fingers?!”

Me: “Yes, you use your fingers…”

(At our hotel, the doors are locked at 10 pm due to a recent robbery and all transactions are done after that time through the teller window.)

Me: “Honey, can I use the bathroom?”

My husband: “Sure.” *lets me in and re-locks the door*

(A customer comes to the door after seeing me go in and is redirected to the teller window.)

Customer: “So, why do I have to check in through the window but she gets to go in?”

My husband: “I went ahead and let her in since was just wanting to use the restroom.”

Customer: *angrily* “Is it because I’m [race]?!”

My husband: “Well, sir, it may have something to do with the fact that she’s a very small girl who couldn’t possibly pose a threat to me, but mostly it’s because she’s my wife.”

Customer: “… Oh.”

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Services, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I am an old man who does not understand anything about computers. Something is wrong… can you help me step by step?”

Me: “Yes, I can. First off I need to know somethings about your computer…”

(After about 5 minutes he hands the phone to his son who is a self-proclaimed computer software technician.)

Customer’s son: “Hey, this is ***. I know about computers so you can speak all the Internet jargon you want.”

Me: “Alright. First off, what web browser are you using?”

Customer’s son: “Well I am on Google, so Internet Explorer.”

Me: “… Sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, since I am on Google, I’m obviously using Internet Explorer.”

Me: “Can I speak with your father, sir?”

Related:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google, Part 2
She Uses The Google

(I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)

Tourist: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the falls from here?”

Me: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls. ”

Tourist: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”

Me: “Geography, I suppose.”

Tourist: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”

Me: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”

Tourist: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”

Me: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”

Tourist: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”

Me: “But… it’s in my country.”

Tourist: “Well, we’ll just see about that!” *storms off*

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to confirm your appointment today. I show here your modem seems to be online. Are you still having a problem with your service?”

Customer: “Well, my son’s computer will go online but his roommate’s computer will not. We turned the black box thingy off and on but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a router?”

Customer: “Well, yes we do, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “Is the router plugged into the modem?”

Customer: “What’s the modem?”

Me: “The black box thingy.”

Customer: “Yes, but like I said, when I called and talked to your service people that changed the configuration doo-dad and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, sir, we do not support third-party equipment, so I can’t send a technician to troubleshoot your issue. What company manufactured your router?”

Customer: “I just spent $150.00 installing this; you have to send someone out!”

Me: “Sir, since you have already explained to me that your service is working, it seems that your third-party router is causing the issue. You must call them for support. Legally, we aren’t allowed to support their equipment.”

(This goes on for about 10 minutes before he gets so frustrated he puts his son on the line.)

Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… I need your technician dude to fix this.”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I explained to the other person I was speaking with we do not support third party equipment.”

Customer’s son: “But it was working. Your service guy turned my link light off the black box and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “But you are surfing on your computer, right?”

Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… but I can’t get on the internet on the other. That’s why we need the technician dude to fix it.”

Me: “Sir what type of car do you drive?”

Customer’s son: “Honda, why?”

Me: “Okay, what kind of radio is installed?” *this was a long-shot*

Customer’s son: “Alpine, what’s your point?”

Me: “So, when your Alpine radio stops working, are you going to call the Honda dealership telling them you want your money back and you want them to fix a radio they didn’t install or manufacture?”

Customer’s son: “I think I need to call Linksys.”

Customer: “Hi, can I have some of those allergy medications that are behind the counter? The 24 hour kind.”

Me: “Sure thing…”  

(I grab one, because law mandates that the computers only allow me to check out one 24 hour medication for a certain period of time).

Customer: “Oh, I wanted four. Can I have four, please?”

Me: “Sorry, I can only give you one. There’s a law that makes me check your ID on the computer. It won’t let me check out more than one for you, at least not in the 24 hour dose.”

Customer: “Well, can you at least try? If you’d TRY once in a while, you never know what you can do!”

Me: “Alright then…”

(I scan one and sure enough, the second won’t go through.)  

Me: “Yup, it won’t let me check out the second one. Your total’s gonna be about 20 bucks.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the third one.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “If the second one didn’t work, maybe the third one will.”

Me: “Ma’am, all four of these are exactly the same. If the second one didn’t work, what makes you think if I rang up another box of the exact same thing would work?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Okay… yeah… it’s not working.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the fourth one.”

(Suffice it to say it doesn’t work; after she buys her one box, she comes back about fifteen minutes later.)

Customer: “You little S***! HOW DARE YOU SELL ME THIS EXPIRED MEDICATION!”

Me: “Err… what? I can guarantee you it’s not. I checked it before I gave it to you.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Then what’s this? It says FEB 10!”

Me: “Yes… February… of 2010. Not February 10th.”

Customer: “Uh… well, I’m older than you and I probably make way more than you anyway, so I’m right. I’m 42 and I make $** an hour!”

Me: “I’ll agree with you, you’re much older than I am. I’m only 26. But ma’am, you are talking to a pharmacist. I make twice that. Oh wait… I’m in overtime now… three times that. Actually, in the time it took me to help you, I just made one hour’s worth of your wage. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

(I’m working at a movie theatre when a woman and her son who looks about 8 storms outside and up to me at the box office.)

Customer: “I demand my money back for our movie!”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Because it’s been within the first 30 minutes I can refund you the full price. What movie was it that you went to see?”

Customer: “Sin City!”

Me: *begins to refund the two tickets*

Customer: “You know, this is ridiculous. You should have told me that this movie was inappropriate for my child. There’s not even a notice anywhere telling me this!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “How on earth was I supposed to know that this movie is inappropriate? You really should have told me!”

Me: “Are you serious? The movie is rated 18A, the poster right in front of you has a half naked lady dancing, AND it’s called SIN City! Did you expect it to be about bunnies and rainbows?”

Customer: *grabs her money and storms off with her son*

Me: “What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I want a small popcorn, and don’t try to upsell me a medium!”

Me: “Can I interest you in a large then?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

Related:
Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 2
Be Careful What You Ask For

(At the gas station where I work, a young woman staggers in drunk and tries to buy a bag of chips on debit.)

Me: “Okay, that will be $1.35 on debit.”

(The customer picks up the pin pad and proceeds to swipe a quarter through the slot.)

Me: “Um… ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “That’s a quarter.”

Customer: “Yes, I know. For some reason it won’t work. Is this thing turned on?”

Me: “But… that’s… that’s not a debit card. Do you have a debit card?”

Customer: “I’m TRYING! But it won’t work!”

Me: “It’s plastic? Kinda rectangle shaped? Has your bank name on it?”

Customer: “Why won’t it work?”

Me: “You know what? I don’t think that one is working. Do you have another one? Sometimes these machines won’t like a card for no real reason. It happens.”

Customer: “Oh ya? I get that at my work too…”

(She proceeds to put away the quarter and pulls out a loonie instead.)

Me: “Ma’am, I think I see the problem now. All of our card systems are down. They must have crashed with all the people buying things today. Do you have cash instead?”

Customer: “Sure, no problem.” *pulls out 20 dollar bill* “Keep the change. It’s only a few dollars anyway. I don’t want it….”

Me: “Sure, thanks!”

(She wanders off to pass out in the bathroom for 3 hours but I just couldn’t bring myself to call the cops on her.)

Customer: “Miss, I need some ranch for my crab rangoon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am, we don’t serve ranch here.”

Customer: “What kind of g**d**ned Chinese restaurant doesn’t have ranch? What? You don’t have barbeque sauce either?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. I’m very sorry. I could walk down to the pizza place next door and get you a container of ranch.”

Customer: “NO! I WANT YOUR SPECIAL CHINESE RANCH!”

Me: “Ma’am, we do not serve ’special Chinese ranch.’ I’m very sorry, but like I said, I ca–”

Customer: “WHATEVER, YOU G**D**NED C**T!” *storms out*