Customer: “Hi, I’m having a problem with my suppositories. They’re not working at all!”

Me: “Okay, let me get the pharmacist for you so he can help you.”

(The customer decides to just yell the same question over two counters to the pharmacist in front of at least 10 other people.)

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, would you like to come over to our consultation are so we can talk about this privately?”

Customer: “No, I just want to know why my suppositories aren’t working!”

Pharmacist: “Well, okay. Are they melting before you insert them?”

Customer: “No, nothing like that!”

Pharmacist: “Are they breaking up into pieces before you use them?”

Customer: “No, no, nothing like that! They’re all in one piece and the same shape and all that stuff! I know how to follow the d*** directions!”

Pharmacist: “Are parts of the foil wrapper sticking to it at all?”

Customer: “What wrapper?!”

(Note: the suppository wrappers are aluminum foil with sharp edges. Ouch.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m here to pick up my pictures.”

(I grab the customer’s pictures and she proceeds to look through them. She then hands one of the pictures to me.)

Customer: “Can you print this the other way?”

Me: “The other way?”

Customer: “Yes, flip it around.”

Me: “Okay…”

(Confused, I go into the lab, insert the film negative into the machine upside down and print a mirrored image for the customer.)

Me:¬†”Here you go!”

Customer:¬†”No, no, no. Flip it around!”

Me: “I did. See, it’s mirrored.”

Customer:¬†”No, no, no. My husband took the picture.¬†Can you flip it around and print him?”

Me:¬†”…”

(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a g**d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! ¬†I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class, that will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his ball off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, Sarah, I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well lets not have this happen again…” *turns back to customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we did, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

Me: “Hello, ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. Yeah, I‚Äôm coming into New York next week and I was wondering if you could watch my kid for awhile.”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “I googled ‚Äòentertainment‚Äô and ‚ÄòNew York‚Äô and your name came up. I saw that you do stuff with Nickelodeon. Where are you guys? Can I just drop her off?”

Me: “Sir, this is an office. We handle transmedia needs for companies like Nickelodeon that want to expand awareness of their media into other formats.”

Caller: “Oh, is that good for kids?”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Elderly customer: “SIX OF THE ENEMY PLEASE!”

Me: “… Sorry?”

Elderly customer: “Six of the german frankfurts!”

Me: “Oh, right…”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

He Uses The Google

Me: “Would you like mayonnaise on your croquette?”

Customer: “Yes, please… but not on the croquette itself. Do you have a cup or something?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, well… just put it in my hand, then.”

Me: “… Mayonnaise?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: ‘… in your hand?”

Customer: “Yes, yes!”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: Yes!”

Me: *fills the customer’s hand with mayonnaise*

Customer: “Thank you!” *smiles and leaves*

Me, to my manager: “I need a break.”

(I’m helping a couple check out at the front desk.)

Me: “Okay, and how would you like to settle the bill?”

Husband: “Put it on my card you have.”

Wife: “No, put it on my credit card.” *hands me her credit card*

Husband: “No! put it on my credit card!”

Wife: “Don’t worry about him, just put it on mine.”

Husband: *grabs wife’s credit card*

Wife: “Fine, do what you want! I’m out of here!” *storms out of the hotel*

(The husband runs out after his wife; 10 minutes passes by and he finally returns.)

Husband, very quietly: “Put it on her card…”

Related:
She Who Wears The Pants

(I sell insurance. Sometimes, bank managers will ring up with customers who are in the bank. In this case, the bank lady was doing all the talking because the woman was partly deaf.)

Me: “Good morning, *** insurance, how can I help you?”

Bank manager: “I’m with a lady who’d like a quote, please.”

Me: “Yup, no problem. Could I speak to her briefly?”

(I talk to the customer and get her permission for the bank manager to do the quote with her details.)

Me: “Okay, can I take her surname, please?”

Bank manager: “My surname or hers?”

Me: “Hers, please…” *she gives it* “… and her date of birth?”

Bank manager: “Mine, or hers?”

Me: “Hers…” *she gives it* “… okay, and her postcode.”

Bank manager: “Why do you want my postcode?”

Me: “I don’t. I want her postcode. It’s her policy, so I need her details.”

(You get the general idea. This continued, right up until the very end of the insurance quote.)

Me: “So, the price for the year is ***.”

Bank manager: “I’d have to pay that?!”

Me: “…”