(A man and his girlfriend are standing towards the front of the line to board an airplane. I’m a passenger who overhears their conversation.)

Airline employee: “We are now boarding numbers 1 through 30.”

(The man begins to walk away, but his girlfriend stays put.)

Girlfriend: “Where are you going?”

Man: “They called numbers 1 through 30.”

Girlfriend: “But my number is 6!”

Customer: “Excuse me, where are the red pocket folders? I don’t see them here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we are all sold out of that color.”

Customer: “Well, my son HAS to have one for his class.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we are all sold out. We may have more on Saturday.”

Customer: “What do you mean by ‘may have?’ Don’t you know?”

Me: “Well, they come to us in assorted colors. We don’t have a choice of what we receive.”

Customer: “My son has been getting an ‘F’ every day from his teacher for the past week! He will keep getting an ‘F’ until he brings one in!”

Me: “Have you tried the office supply store across the street?”

Customer: “Is this how you treat your customers? It will be YOUR fault when he flunks out for this!”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

Customer: “Just a regular size.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

Customer: “What does all that mean?”

Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

(The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”

Me: “Hi, welcome to ***. Do you need any help finding anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need diapers and condoms.”

Me: “Um, we don’t sell those here. We’re a beverage store.”

Customer: “Oh okay, then give me some fruit roll ups and towels.”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book in for my photo session.”

Me: “Great, what kind of date were you looking for?”

Customer: “June.”

Me: “Okay, we only book up to two weeks in advance but I can put something on hold for you. What kind of day and time were you looking for?”

Customer: “June, maybe a weekend.”

Me: “Okay, just pick a time and date and I can get that sorted for you.”

Customer: “I find this very unprofessional!”

Me: “… why?”

Customer: “You should show me what dates you have free!”

Me: “Every date and time in June; no one else is booked in yet.”

Customer: *glares at me*

Me: “Do you want to have a look at the diary?”

Customer: “Yes, I think I’d better.”

(I bring her into the office and show her the screen with our June diary on. It is COMPLETELY blank.)

Customer: “So what date can I have?”

Me: “What date do you want?”

(This goes on and on until I finally give her a random date and time.)

Me: “Animal hospital, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

Me: “… what, sir?”

Caller: “Prostitute dogs, do you have them there?”

Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “That’s bull***t. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

(This customer shows up at the store to pick up two rugs she had supposedly ordered, but I am unable to find them.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I am having some trouble finding your rugs in the store. Did somebody give you a claim check or receipt when you bought the rugs?”

Customer: “No I ordered them over the phone.”

Manager: “Okay ma’am, we are going to need some proof of your purchase because we can’t find the rugs you ordered.”

Customer: “WHAT? I don’t have time for this!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, do you remember what day you ordered the rugs or who you spoke to?”

Customer: “Oh, it was sometime last week. I don’t remember who I spoke to. Can’t you just get my rugs for me?”

Manager: I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have any records of you ever ordering rugs from us. If you could wait just a moment I could check the system again and see if anything comes up.”

Customer: “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”

Manager: “Okay, we’re going to go upstairs and check our records a final time.”

Customer: *keeps yelling as we walk away*

(As we search for her rugs, she leaves the store. A little while later, she calls the store back.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi! I called earlier about some rugs I ordered. I actually ordered them from another store. I’m surprised that you didn’t know that!”

Me: “Operator…”

Customer: “I need to call long distance to New York.”

Me: “Okay ma’am, you need to hang up and dial ‘00′ for the long distance operator.”

Customer: “I don’t have a ‘00′ button on my phone. I only have a ‘0′!”

(A guy walks up to the register carrying his two or three year old son and places him on the counter.)

Me: “Do you have a rewards card with us?”

Guy: “No, and I don’t want one either. No!”

(The little boy grabs the stylus from the PIN pad and starts trying to draw.)

Little boy: “No! No! No! No!”

Me: *jokingly* “See, look what you taught him.”

(The guy tries to take the stylus from his son.)

Guy: “Give me the d*** pen!”

Little boy: “Give me the d*** pen! Give me the d*** pen!”

Customer: “Hi, do you work here?”

Me: “Yeah, can I help you?”

Customer: “My son is in the hospital because of a car accident, and I want to get him a sympathy card.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; the sympathy cards are right over here.”

(The customer goes through the cards for a few minutes, and then comes back to find me at the counter.)

Customer: “I found a card for him from me, but I also need one from his dog.”

Me: “His… dog?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to send him a card from his dog to show him that he cares.”

Me: “I don’t think we carry sympathy cards from pets. But, we do have blank cards with pictures of dogs on them that you can use.”

Customer: “No! It has to be a SYMPATHY CARD!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we just don’t sell that card.”

Customer: “Yes you do! I saw one like it just a few weeks ago! I want to see your manager!”

Manager: “Is there a problem ma’am?”

Customer: “YES! I need a sympathy card for my son from his dog!”

Manager: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t carry that type of card.”

Customer: “Yes you do! I saw it here a few weeks ago!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we’ve never sold that type of card here before. You could fill out a blank card if you like? They’re pretty cheap, and some have pictures of dogs on them.”

Customer: “Uggghhh!” *throws hand up in the air*