Visit our latest site, The Awesomer!(A customer places a 2 liter bottle of soda down at the end of the conveyor belt. When the conveyor belt, moves the bottle falls over and the cap shatters; the soda leaks all over my pants.)
Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to get another bottle if you still want to buy the soda.”
Customer: “But I wanted that bottle!”
Me: “Well, then… I’ll just squeeze the soda from my pants back into the bottle for you.”
(During a major power outage that left all of Cincinnati in the dark for days, a woman calls the theater asking about movie times.)
Customer: “Hi, what movies do you have playing today?”
Me: “None, we don’t have electricity.”
Customer: “And what time does that start?”
Me: “Ma’am, we aren’t open.”
Customer: “That’s too early, what else you got?”
Me: “NO MOVIES ARE SHOWING TODAY!”
Customer: “I heard that was no good.”
Me: “We can’t show movies because we have no power!”
Customer: “Is that the movie with Samuel L Jackson?”
Me: *gives up* “Yes, ma’am. It starts at 6pm but you might want to be here early because it gets crowded this time of day.”
Me: “Hello sir, what can I get you?”
Customer: “Um… can I please have a mocha latte?”
Me: “Sure. That would be $3.50, please.”
(Five minutes later…)
Me: “Here you go, sir.”
Customer: “What is this? Why isn’t the cup red?”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “The cup. It’s usually red!”
Me: “I’m sorry, that is only around Christmas time.”
Customer: “What?! THEN MAKE IT CHRISTMAS TIME!”
Customer: “My son let go of the balloons. I need more.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that takes a long time to do and were very busy now. It will take at least an hour.”
Customer: “But the party is now! What the f*** am I supposed to do with no balloons?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it takes a while. I will do them as fast as possible.”
(He leaves and I start to fill up so many balloons my fingers are red.)
Customer: “About time!”
Me: “Okay, sir. I’m sorry you lost the balloons, so I took 25% off.”
Customer: “You’re charging me for these?!”
Me: “Yes, you are buying more balloons.”
Customer: “But I just paid for balloons, and they flew away.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but you bought them and you’re buying more. I need to charge you.”
Customer: “But this was your fault! You shouldn’t have made them so… floaty!”
Me: “… I’m very sorry, but these are less… floaty.”
Customer: “Really?”
Me: *sarcastically* “Yes!”
Related:
Airheaded
Customer: “Can you help me find the uh… uh…” *trails off*
Me: “The…”
Customer: “You know, the refrigerator stuff.”
Me: “Our refrigerators are–”
Customer: “No! The stuff that uh, you know, is…” *trails off again*
Me: “Ice cube trays? Mini fridges?”
Customer: “No, no. You know, like the stuff in the refrigerator… the stuff… like tea!”
Me: “You mean the food?”
Customer: “Yeah, the refrigerator stuff. The teas.”
Me: “Food is under the sign marked food, over on the other side of the store.”
Customer: “How do you know if food is in the refrigerator?”
Me: *gives up* “I have no idea.”
Me: Good morning, what can I get for you?
Customer: “Did you go to church today?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Why not?! It’s Sunday and you should be giving thanks to the Lord! I don’t like this… let me speak to your manager NOW.”
Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a Christian establishment where we are required to go to church.”
Customer: “Get your manager!”
Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”
Customer: “Why don’t your employees go to church on Sunday?! This is an outrage.”
Manager: “Well, if we did there would be no one here to make your delicious coffee when you get out of church.”
Customer: “Well, I guess that’s okay. I’ll let Jesus know that you guys are helping me so that you don’t go to Hell.”
Customer: “Does this camera come in different colors? I really want blue.”
Me: “Yes, but I’m sorry… I don’t have any blue ones. I only have black, red, and bronze.”
Customer: “Blue takes better pictures.”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer: “Yes, my brother takes pictures and says the blue ones are best.”
Me: “Well, to be honest, the color only affects how it looks. It has nothing to do with the performance.”
Customer: “Are you calling my brother a liar?!”
Me: “No, I’m just saying he’s misinformed–”
Customer: “I SAID he’s a photographer and he knows what he’s talking about. He’s been published.”
Me: “I’m sure he has, but I’ve done hundreds of weddings myself and I’ve been selling for years.”
Customer: “Stop it! I want to see the manager.”
(I get my manager and explain the situation.)
Manager: “So, I understand you want a blue camera because it’s supposed to be faster?”
Customer: “Yes, I thought you guys would know that!”
Manager: “You know, I think your brother was mistaken.”
Customer: “But–”
Manager: “Let me explain. You see, sports cars come in all colors, right? You ever notice that they always seem to sell the red ones most? Porsches, Lamborghinis and Corvettes?”
Customer: “Well, yeah…”
Manager: “So, I think it’s an obvious choice.”
Customer: “I’ll take the red one!”
Me: “…”
(I’m a 16 year old, new to the job at a pet store. An elderly woman comes up to the front counter with a shopping cart full of tiny tins of cat food. None of them are stacked, and they are different brands and flavors.)
Customer: “I’d like all of these, please.”
Me: “Uh… alright. Are they sorted by brand?”
Customer: “Why should I count them? I’m the customer!”
Me: “Good point, ma’am.”
(I finally get all her cans sorted and I scan them all. She then proceeds to pay for over 40 dollars of cat food with change.)
Me: “There you go, ma’am. Do you want a hand out to your car with those bags?”
Customer: “No, thank you.”
(She gets to the door and she drops her bags. Cans go rolling everywhere.)
Customer: *shrieks* “I WANT MY MONEY BACK! THIS IS CAT FOOD! I WANTED DOG FOOD!”
(Needless to say, I cried.)
Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”
Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”
(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)
Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”
Customer: “No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”
Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”
(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)
Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”
Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL, can’t you fix it?”
Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”
Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”
Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”
Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”
Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”
(Skip ahead 9 months…)
Female customer: “Is your name ***?”
Me: “Yes, can I help you?”
Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*
(I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)
Me: “Thank you for calling *** Support, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Okay, well, you know how the laptop computers look like chairs?”
Me: “I guess I can kinda see how you could possibly think that…”
Customer: “Well, I sat on it, and now it’s broken.”
Me: “Unfortunately, any sort of warranty will not cover accidental damage on the computer.”
Customer: “It wasn’t accidental.”
Me: “If you sat on it, then it is considered accidental damage.”
Customer: “It’s NOT accidental damage! You think somebody just sits on their computer by accident?!”
Me: “Okay… so the computer is damaged, right?”
Customer: “YES!”
Me: “So, what would you like me to do for you?”
Customer: “I want you to fix my computer! It’s broken!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but any personal damage done to the computer is not covered under warranty. I can possibly send it in to be fixed, but there will be a charge.”
Customer: “It’s not personal damage! I sat on it!”
Me: “If you sat on the computer, than you damaged it personally, and it is not covered under warranty.”
Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”
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