(A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

Customer: “Alright, it’s for me and my two kids.”

(The customer attempts to pay with a hundred dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(I work in email and chat tech support, so one day, an email comes in.)

“Hello Miss Sir,

Please send me new one.  My wife’s has defected.

Boris”

——-

“Dear Boris,

Thanks for contacting us.  If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it.  Please respond with more details on the problem.  If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

Sincerely,
[Me]”

——–

“Hello Miss,

Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a wheat sandwich, with everything you like in it.”

Me: “Um, sir… you will be the one eating the sandwich, not me.”

Customer: “I SAID I wanted a wheat sandwich with whatever YOU like in it.”

Me: “Um… what kind of meat?”

Customer: “Didn’t you just hear what I said? WHEAT SANDWICH WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT ON IT!”

(I make the sandwich for the customer.)

Customer: “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?!” *walks away*

Coworker: “So… you like extra mustard and everything on it, especially jalapenos?”

Me: *smiling* “I don’t like mustard, I don’t like hot stuff, and I hope he has a terrible nice time in the bathroom.”

Coworker: Welcome to [fast food burger joint], what’s your beef?

Customer: “I ain’t got a beef, you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”

Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”

Customer:  ”Yes, I want some beef, you gonna bring it?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it, you payin’?”

Customer:  ”Course I’m payin’, you makin’?”

Coworker:  ”Yes we’re makin’.”

Customer:  ”Good, how much?”

Coworker:  ”You have to order first, sir.”

Customer: “Oh yeah…”

Me: “That will be $**.**”

Customer: “Why’d your prices go up?”

Me: “Well, the cigarette tax just just went up.”

Customer: “This sounds illegal.”

Me: “The state tax on cigarettes just went up. We don’t have control over that.”

Customer: “I know the President of the United States.  I think I’m gonna give him a call.”

Me: “Okay… have a nice day.”

Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with this cherry slushie?”

Me: “Sorry, sir?”

Customer: “It’s WHITE!”

Me: “Yes, sir…”

Customer: “Why isn’t it RED?!”

Me: “Sir, the watermelon flavor is red.”

Customer: “That’s sacrilegious!”

Me: “Sir, the color does not make a difference in the flavor.”

Customer: “You should be ashamed!”

Customer’s wife: “Okay, let’s just let the man do his job, it’s not his fault for the color of the slushies.”

Customer: “It’s embarrassing!”

Costumer’s wife, to me: “I’m sorry…”

Me: “Have a nice day.”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED!”

(A little old lady is getting coffee. She is wearing thick blue eyeshadow, pink circles of blush, and bright red lipstick.)

Me: “Here’s your coffee. That’ll be $2.75.”

Little old lady: *gives me a $20* “Keep the change, dear.”

Me: “That’s very generous, thank you!”

Little old lady: “After work, go buy yourself some makeup. Just because you work at a coffee shop doesn’t mean you have to look like a slob!”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story:
A Heady Proposition

(A customer is looking at hardware we have on display.)

Customer: “Is the polished finish… dull?”

Me: “No. The polished finish is polished.”

Customer: “Oh… so what’s the dull finish?”

Me: “The dull finish… is.. sometimes called brushed.

Customer: “So it’s not polished?”

Me: “No. polished… is like a mirror. You can see your reflection.”

Customer: “Oh… what do you see on the dull finish?”

Me: *face palm*

(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

Related:
Mom In A Thong: Wrong
A Mother’s Love