(Within a few minutes of a family of four sitting down, the fire alarm went off at our restaurant.)

Me: “Hello folks, sorry for the terrible inconvenience. I’m sure everything will be cleared up here very soon.”

Customer: “Is this a joke?”

Me: “I assure you this isn’t a joke, unless you find it funny!” *laughs*

Customer: *deafening silence*

Me: “… but I also assure that there is no fire.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak with a manager, please.”

Me: “Sorry, but my manager is very busy at the moment dealing with the fire department. The drinks are on the house. If you could just sit tight, we’ll be with you shortly.”

Customer: “You know it’s my son’s birthday, right?”

Me, to son: “Oh! Happy birthday buddy!”

(I jokingly slide the beer towards the son, which sets the customer off even more.)

Customer: “Get a manager over here, right now!”

(My manager tells me that there is a problem with the ovens that the fire department has to figure out, and that we have to evacuate the building.)

Me: “I’m sorry to inform you that the grills have been turned off and–”

Customer: “How can we order our food then?”

Me: “Well… yeah, that’s the thing. We have to get everyone out of the building.”

Customer: “Excuse me? We don’t get to eat? It’s my son’s birthday. Is there anything you can do? We are very unhappy with this!”

Me: “Well, the fire department has ordered the evacuation, so I also have to leave the building.”

Customer: “It is my son’s birthday. He is turning 13. How often do people turn 13? Once! You have ruined my son’s only 13th birthday!”

Me: “Sorry buddy, I hope you get everything you want for your birthday!”

Customer’s son: “This was my birthday present and you ruined it!”

Customer: “What did you do on your 13th birthday?!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU RUINED MY SON’S BIRTHDAY!”

Me: “My 13th birthday was 8 years ago exactly.”

Customer: *confused*

Me: “How many times to you turn 21? Is this how you spent YOUR 21st birthday? GET OUT BEFORE I SET YOU ON FIRE!”

(It’s was a bitter-sweet birthday present: Leaving work 5 hours early, but with no money.)

Related:
Smoked
Burned

Customer: “Yeah, can I get extra butter?”

Coworker:: “Actually the butter is self-serve on the sides of concession. You can help yourself, ma’am.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “WELL IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME I WON’T COME BACK NEXT TIME!”

Coworker:: “Please don’t hurt me!”

Related:
When Customers Attack

Me: “It’s a great day at [furniture store]! How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “I want to talk to someone about my furniture.”

Me: “Okay, is it just damaged, or did you want to set up a delivery?”

Caller: “No. I just want to talk to someone about it.”

Me: “Um… did you want to talk to your salesperson?”

Caller: “No. Just someone in the dining department.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our floor isn’t separated into departments.”

Caller: “I bought it about 2 years ago. I just want to talk about it.”

Me: “Did you want to talk about it with a manager?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: *stops caring* “Well, I would LOVE to talk about with you! Is it pretty?!”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Furniture is good! It’s where people sit!”

Caller: *click*

Me: “Hello, *** Pizza, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “So I can look up your credit… we file them by address.”

(He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story,  and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

Customer: ”No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

(I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza,’ what’s yours?”

Customer: ”I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

Me:  ”Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”

Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”

Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?

Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”

Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”

Caller: “But the page said to call!”

Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.

Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”

Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”

Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*

Related:
And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”

(Sometimes I get very bored at work and decide to have fun with customers.)

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “My computer isn’t working at all. It seems that something is wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do…”

(I place my hands on the computer and in my best imitation of a televangelist.)

Me: “IT IS HEALED! PRAISE THE LORD!”

Customer: “Oh my God, really? Are you serious?! Thank you!”

Me: “No, no I’m not.”

Customer: *completely baffled*

Me: “I hate my life.”

(After helping a middle aged man find many CDs…)

Customer: “Thank you… what’s your name?”

Me: “Ryland.”

Customer: “Thank you for your help, Ryan!”

Me: “No, no. My name is Ryland.”

Customer: “Ryland? What the h*** kind of name is that? You better watch out, you’re going to get attacked one day!”

Manager: “May I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to return these wind chimes. They don’t work.”

Manager: “Okay, are they broken?”

Customer: “No, they just don’t work.”

Manager: “Well, where did you hang them?”

Customer: “On my back porch.”

Manager: “Well, they should work just fine there.”

Customer: “They don’t… my husband and I sit on the porch and no there is no sound from the chimes!”

Manager: “Is your porch screened in? That could reduce the wind.”

Customer: “No, it’s glassed in…”

Manager: “… I believe I know what the problem is.”

Customer: “Can you fix it?”

Manager: “No, but I can sell you a fan!”

Related:
Airheaded, Part 2
Airheaded

(I’m working in a video rental store renting out Bollywood films when a customer asks about a particular film.)

Customer: “Hi! Can you tell me if this is a good family film?”

(He hands me a Bollywood film called Deewaar.)

Me: “Not really. I mean, it’s got an 18 certificate rating on it, for starters.”

Customer: “Oh. What is it about?”

Me: “It’s about the son of an Indian POW in a prison camp in Pakistan who attempts to rescue him.”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be a bad family film. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Well, I watched a scene where the main character is fighting a bad guy on a train. He sticks his head out of the window and an incoming pole cuts his head off clean.”

Customer: “… does it have good songs in the film?”

Me: “…”

(Note: Bollywood films mainly come with songs. Apparently, people just watch these films for the songs…)