Me: “Hello this is Kevin.”

Customer: “YOU SON OF A B****, YOU SOLD ME A DEFECTIVE MONITOR! I never in my life have had to deal with such bull s*** in my life. I don’t know what type of f***ing black magic you did to make it work at the store, but–”

Me: “Ma’am, did you push the power button?

Customer: “… Oh, thank you.” *click*

Me: *sigh*

Supervisor: “Yo dude, what’s up?”

Me: “I need a raise…”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Lady: “I’d like a half pound of ham.”

(I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

(She opens up the package, sniffs the ham and makes a face).

Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

Lady: *walks away in a huff*

Customer: “What do you have to eat here?”

Me: “Whatever you see in the pastry case is to eat; we mainly serve drinks.”

Customer: “What’s that up there? ”

(He points to one of the boards behind me and I turn around to see what he’s pointing at. I hear a rustling noise; when I turn back around all the money in my tip cup is gone.)

Me: “Sir? Could you do me a favor?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Look up.”

Customer: *looks up*

Me: “Okay, wave!”

(I start waving at him and, completely confused, he starts to wave back.)

Me: “Sir, that’s a camera up there.”

Customer: “Uh… and?”

Me: “You better put the money back.”

Customer: “What money?”

Me: “You know very well what money. Now, put it back and leave.”

(He puts the money back and pouts the entire way out the doors.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

Child: “I like this ride. I like horses but these ones aren’t real.”

Me: “Yup! Real ones are much bigger, probably twice as big as these horses.”

Child: “I rode one once!”

Me: “Really? That’s cool.”

Child: “Yeah. Real horses have eight legs.”

Me: “Oh. That’s… cool.”

Customer: *singing and dancing* “FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONG!”

Me: “For that, I am charging you double.”

(A customer was trying on a shorty wetsuit.)

Customer: “It seems to fit okay, but the zip is a little high. It would irritate under my chin.”

Me: “Yes. I can see what you mean, but if you put the suit on the right way round, you won’t have that problem.”

Customer: “…”

Me, to co-worker: “Remind me to never dive with that guy.”

Customer: “Hi. I’m coming from the intersection at *** and ***. How would I get to your store from here?”

(I give the guy directions. I can tell he’s tuned me out after the first street or two. He then cuts me off before I finish.)

Customer: “Good, good! I got it. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “Hi! I just called you a few minutes ago, asking for directions.”

Me: “I remember.”

Customer: “Yeah… I took that turn on *** like you said. Then I got lost again. I’m at *** and *** now.”

Me: “Okay…” *gives him directions again*

Customer: “Okay! I got it this time. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Me: “Hi again. Where are you now?”

Customer: *laughs* “I’m at *** and ***.”

Me: “Okay. You’re almost here. Turn on *** and go straight until you see a gas station. We’re in the strip mall a little after it.”

Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “It’s me again! I’m at the gas station. I don’t see your store.”

Me: “We’re in the strip mall after the gas station, it’s down the road a little bit.”

Customer: “Oh! I see it. Okay, I’ll be right there.” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “I’m in the strip mall now… and I don’t see your store. I’m gonna feel SO stupid if I’m in the wrong strip mall.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not even sure you’re in the right state.”

Customer: *laughs*

Me: “Okay. Do you see a donut shop?”

Customer: “Yes! I see a donut shop!”

Me: “Good. Drive to the donut shop. Now, do you see a cell phone store?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s next to the donut shop.”

Me: “Good. Drive to the cell phone shop. Now drive a little past that. Do you see the girl in the next store who’s on the phone and waving at you?”

Customer: “Yeah! Is that you?”

Me: “Yeah. Come on in…”

(A guy comes into our store and slaps a 56k dial-up modem down on the counter.)

Guy: “I want to return this. I bought it a year ago and it’s broken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you don’t have the box, the power supply, the driver CD or the receipt. I can’t let you return it.”

Guy: “You will give me my money back, right now!”

Me: “No, I can’t do that. You need to keep the receipt for warranty claims. I have no proof you even bought that from us.”

(The conversation escalates and gets more and more heated until finally…)

Guy: “If you don’t give me back my money, I’ll be waiting for you in the car park after work and I’ll f*** you up, you hear me?! I’LL BREAK YOUR F***ING FACE YOU LITTLE S***!”

Me: “Are you threatening me?”

Guy: “No!”

(As a graphic designer with a background in photography, I coordinate the shoots for cover homes.)

Me: “Just send me the address of the home and I will look it up and work with the photographer on the shoot.”

Salesperson: “It’s a million dollar home. Very, very nice. The listing agent wants to be there; he want’s a nice sunny shot. It’s a million dollar home and I really want to make him happy.”

Me: “That’s great… just send me the address.”

(I find that the house faces north-northeast, which means the sun will never hit the front of the house directly.)

Me: “Okay, we’ve got a problem. I know the listing agent wants to be at the shoot and he wants a sunny shot, but we can’t do that because it faces north. We’re going to have to have to do a night shot or an early shot and hope the dawn light hits it.”

Salesperson: “But it’s a million dollar home.”

Me: “I know, it’s a really nice home. It’s vacant, so we can’t do an interior. I’ll talk to the photographer, but I’m sure he’ll agree that a night shot will be our best bet or the home will be backlit and not look good at all.”

Salesperson: “This is a million dollar mansion!”

Me: “I know. But unless you or the listing agent can move the sun, it will be at night or just after sunrise. I’m sure the he wants the mansion to look good.”

(The salesperson calls my boss to undoubtedly tell her I am being impossible, and I shouldn’t dictate to our customers. Sadly, my boss couldn’t move the sun either, and a very lovely night shot ran on the cover.)