Customer: “Excuse me, but can you please take a look at this pizza here?”

Me: “Uh… well, that looks pretty delicious to me.”

Customer: “It looks very lumpy.”

Me: “Well, it’s a pizza, and you’ve chosen some pretty lumpy toppings there.”

Customer: “Well, look here how all the toppings seem to be all on one side.”

Me: “Is that a problem?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s uneven.” *stares intently at me*

Me: “Well sir, my grandmother’s cookies look about like that and they taste absolutely delicious every time she makes them.”

Customer: *laughs and leaves without further complaining*

(Phew!)

(This was during a HUGE power outage in New York. The entire city was out of power.)

Me: “Thanks for calling, my name is Carrie. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My TV is not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It won’t turn on.”

(I notice that the customer is in New York.)

Me: “The power is out through your entire city.”

Customer: “But my TV won’t turn on.”

Me: “Right, your TV runs on electricity, and won’t work without it.”

Customer: “I just want to watch TV! Why won’t it turn on?”

Me: “Can you go to a light switch and see if that works?”

Customer: “That’s not why I called! I want to watch TV.”

Me: “Without power, you won’t be able to watch your TV.”

Customer: “Then fix it!”

Customer: ”How much longer is your department open today?”

Me: “Two hours.”

Customer: “Oh… uhm, you on Mountain Time, then?”

Me: “No, we’re on Pacific.”

Customer: “I’m in Mountain time, so in reality, you’re only there another hour.”

Me: “Sir, seriously, we’re here another two hours regardless of what time zone you’re in.”

Me: Thank you for calling ***. How may I assist you?

Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

Me: “Alright, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I can’t call out.”

Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number and see what happens when you hit send.”

Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

(She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click

Related:
One Last Parting Shot

(I’m making small talk with a customer while waiting for his computer to boot up. This is after talking about the weather in his area. The following takes place without missing a beat.)

Me: “Yeah, well, I have a friend from Indiana.”

Customer: “Really? Where did you meet him?”

Me: “Actually, it’s a her.”

Customer: “Oh, lucky guy!”

Me: “I met her through her husband.”

Customer: “Oh, not so lucky.”

Me: “He’s my supervisor.”

Customer: “Ouch.”

Drunk customer: “Nice hair, man! ”

Me: “Uh, thanks…”

Drunk customer: “Grow that s**t out, man! Hair farming is not out of style!”

(Two nights later he returns, much less drunk this time.)

Same customer: “GET A F****ING HAIR CUT!”

(You gotta love working late at a gas station in Methville, USA.)

Me: “Good evening sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a good movie.”

Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth… it was excellent.”

Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

Customer: “What the s*** is that?”

Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that? We’re in America, we don’t speak Spanish! I want it in American!”

(He storms off and promptly returns with Apocalypto.)

Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a g**d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

(He walks back up about 10 minutes later with Letters From Iwo Jima in his hand.) 

Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

(I give a look to my coworker who doesn’t say anything this time, and we rent him the movie. Too bad Letters From Iwo Jima is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)

(A customer has no power to a CD-ROM drive and has a disc stuck inside.)

Me: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. You need to find yourself a paperclip and unbend it a bit, so you have something to stick in the little hole next to the volume dial.”

Customer: “So… a paperclip, you say? Can I order that from you? I’m not sure what that is…”

(I work for an internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. “You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get 10 of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”

Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to check my balance on my account.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Can I get your customer number?”

Customer: *gives number*

Me: “Okay, sir. You have a balance of $513.26, and we need to get $360.00 of this paid off immediately to avoid referral to debt collection.”

Customer: “Screw you. I’m no overstayer. Unlock my d*** account!”

Me: “Sir, we can’t unlock the account until we’ve received some form of payment.”

Customer: “F*** you man. I’m going to call your head office and have you deported.”

Me: “Um, I was born in this country, so I can’t really be deported to another country. This still won’t get your account unlocked. If you can pay–”

Customer: “Get the f***ing account turned on or I’m coming around there, and I’m going to eat you!”

Me: “Eat… me?”

Customer: “D*** right! I’m going to have you eaten and deported. We’re going to claim back our land and eat all you b**tards, then have you kicked out of the country!”

Me: “Please pay your bill. I’m terminating this call.” *click*