(It’s late at night and a solitary customer pulls up outside and fills her car at the pump. She calmly opens the station’s door and comes inside to pay at the booth, but realizes she left her wallet in the car.)

Customer: “OH MY GOD! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! MY WALLET IS IN THE CAR, UNLOCK THIS DOOR!”

Me: “It is unlocked.”

Customer: “But it says you’re closed!”

Me: “What does the other side of the sign say?”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Open, but it says you’re closed!”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Open’ on the other side of the sign?”

Customer: “Look, you…” pauses, then blushes bright red* “… oh.”

Me: “You need some chocolate.”

Customer: *smiles* “Yes, I do.”

(We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”

Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

Me: “… I work here.”

Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*

(On the Saturday night of a weekend-long fan-based media convention, we hold a dance for the attendees. A mother comes up to the security office and voices a complaint.)

Mother: “The music is too loud and it’s running too late. I want it shut down.”

Me: “Ma’am, our dance is scheduled until 5:00AM, and we are not disturbing any other events.”

Mother: “Well, there are kids are in there and if this thing is for kids, then there should not be a dance!”

Me: “Yes, this convention is an all-ages event, but the dance is one of our most popular events and we have no intention of shutting it down.”

Mother: “Well, I’m the customer and I’m always right! You should do what I say and shut the dance down! Where is your supervisor? I’ll get him over to shut the dance down.”

Chairman: “Ma’am, what is the problem?”

Mother: “I want you to shut the dance down! There are kids here and they should not be in a dance at this time of night! And this man is not helping. Make him shut the dance down!”

Chairman: “The dance is one of our biggest events. Closing it down would disappoint thousands of our attendees who look forward to it each year.”

Mother: “THIS IS NOT FAIR! I WANT THE D*** DANCE SHUT DOWN AND I WANT IT SHUT DOWN NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, raising your voice will not help your case. Please calm down.”

(I figure that there is something else going on, and offer her a seat and a glass of water. She sits down calms down a bit.)

Me: “Is there something else going on?”

Mother: “My daughter sneaked out of our hotel room and I know she’s in the dance. I went in there and I couldn’t find her.”

Me: “Is that all? So you wanted us to shut the entire dance down, just to get your daughter out?”

Mother: *timidly* “Yes…”

Me: “Did you actually think that we would do it?”

Mother: “Yes…”

Me: “Why?”

Mother: “Because I always get my way!”

Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “What’s on your console?”

Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flash light.”

Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flash light?”

Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

Me: “An… elephant?”

Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

Me: “Ah yes, I should have known… those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

Customer: “What? Really?”

Me: “Yeah… call us back when you get your power restored.”

Me: “Thank you for calling. May I please verify your address and phone number?”

(The caller rattles off an address, including the apartment number.)

Caller: “… that’s why I’m calling. What’s this about a ‘dog’ in my address?”

(I notice her address has the words “DASIN DOG”.)

Me:  ”I’m sorry, ma’am. I have no explanation for that. I can certainly remove it. Also, we don’t seem to have your apartment number. Would you mind repeating that for me?”

Caller: “D! D as in Dog!”

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

(She hands me a receipt.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the g**d*** knives! Take them!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, g**d*** it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

Customer: “You g**d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f***ing knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s because of f***ing fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, can I have a small pork fried rice, please? Without pork.”

Me: “A small pork fried rice, without pork?”

Customer: “Yes… can you add some chicken to that?”

Me: “Um, so you want a small chicken fried rice?”

Customer: “No. I want a small pork fried rice, no pork, with chicken.”

Me: “Sure… anything else?”

Customer: “Yes, I also need a small chicken and broccoli.”

Me: “Sure, is that all?”

Customer: “Yes…” *pauses* “Oh… and no broccoli in the chicken and broccoli!”

Related:
Basic Subtraction, How I Miss Thee

Elderly passenger: “Can you take my bag from the overhead bin and put it in the row?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re in the exit row. It must remain clear.”

Elderly passenger: “Well, how about up front by the door?”

Me: “No, that must remain clear as well.”

Elderly passenger: “Just put it in the aisle, then.”

Me: “…”

(It was an hour before closing, and all of us were very tired–the manager included.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “What does the chicken sandwich look like?” *points at a picture of it*

Me: “It looks just like the one in the picture, ma’am.”

Customer: “Are you sure? How long have you been working here?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I’m sure. I’ve been working here over a year.”

Customer: “Well, um… I guess I’ll get that one.”

(I take her money and give her the chicken sandwich.)

Customer: “This is not what it looks like!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Get me your manager, d*** it!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “This chicken sandwich is not like in the picture!”

Manager: “Yes, you’re right. The one the picture is over a foot wide and fake.”

Customer: “I will not stand for this!”

Manager: “Either will I. Leave my employees alone!”

Customer: *starts screaming*

Manager: “You have a happy go lucky day now, ma’am!”

Related:
Just Another Day At Work
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 2
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 a day and drink 2 cartons beer a week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: ”I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking AND smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: ”That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea…”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*