(I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area.  We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored, tropical fish.)

Patron: “Oooh!  Is he there to paint the fish?”

Me: ”I’m… sorry?”

Patron: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”

Me, catching on: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”

Patron: “You take them out? That’s horrible? How do they breathe?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”

Patron: “Well, that’s a relief!”

Customer: “I don’t want a lid.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s company policy. I have to serve your hot beverage with a lid on.”

Customer: “This is stupid.”

Me: “We don’t want you to burn yourself–”

Customer: “Then I’ll just blame you.”

Me: “… and that would be why we have the company policy.”

Related:
Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want lunch meat.”

Me: *grinning* “You’ve come to the right place!”

Customer: “I don’t appreciate your attitude, you f***ing b***!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m paying for your brown a** to live here!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m Irish. And I’ve lived here my entire life.”

Customer: “GIVE ME SOME F***ING TURKEY!”

Me: “What type of turkey would you like?”

Customer: “Plain!”

Me: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat free? We also have a wide selection of gourmet turkeys, such as honey maple and tomato basil.”

Customer: “My kid won’t eat that fancy s***! I just want some f***ing turkey!”

(The store manager has been standing behind her the entire time and speaks up.)

Manager: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat Free? She gave you the types, just f***ing pick a flavour so she can serve me so I can take my lunch!”

Customer: “F*** THIS COUNTRY!”

Related:
Fowl Behavior, Part 2
Fowl Behavior
Fowl Play

Customer: “Hello, I just bought this iPod, and I can’t make it go.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “It won’t go.”

Me: “Okay, how exactly?”

Customer: “IT WON’T GO.”

Me: “Can I see your iPod?”

(The customer takes out iPod Touch and shows it to me. I turn it on and open up Safari.)

Me: “It seems to be working fine.”

(I hand it back to her. She presses the home button multiple times.)

Customer: “How did you do that? It’s not working.”

Me: “Ma’am, what kind of iPod is that?”

Customer: “iPod Touch.”

Me: “Yeah… so try TOUCHING one of the icons on the screen.”

(She does.)

Customer: “OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO COOL! YOU’RE A GENIUS!”

Me: “Yeah, well.”

(I work at a cookie store in a train station and am serving a customer; there are a few people waiting behind him. Suddenly, a man comes and pushes in front.)

Customer: “Five white chocolates!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I have to finish serving these people first. Only then I will serve you.”

Customer: “But I have to catch a train!”

Me: “So does everybody else… this is a bloody TRAIN STATION!”

Customer: *looks a bit scared, nods his head and goes to the back of the queue like a good boy*

(My father owns an auto shop, where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.)

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.”

Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?”

Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.”

Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from *** and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.”

Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.”

Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At *** they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!”

Me: “Um… well…”

Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…”

Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.”

Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!”

Me: “Hold on…”

(I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.)

Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?”

Dad: “What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I brought my car here from *** for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!”

(My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…)

Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to *** about you!”

Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Me: “My God.”

Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.”

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I have Windows on my computer and it’s not booting up properly anymore.”

Me: “Did you buy the PC here?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you buy Windows here?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid I can’t really help you with that.”

Customer: “Look here, you sell Windows. I downloaded and installed Windows, and it’s not working. You’re supposed to help me.”

Me: “Let me just get it right. You’ve downloaded a copy of Windows, installed it and now it’s giving you problems.”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s your job to help me.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Here’s Microsoft Israel support phone number. Call them and tell them exactly what you told me.”

Customer: “Excuse me… HEY! Excuse me.”

Me: “How may I help you sir?”

Customer: “I need you to find a battery for my Timex.”

Me: “You are standing next to our entire selection. If it isn’t there, we don’t have it.”

Customer: “How do I know which one it is?”

Me: “Didn’t you bring the watch with you?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Well, sometimes it is stamped on the back cover.”

Customer: “I can’t decipher this. Can you open the watch and check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t offer that service.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean, we don’t offer that service. I have neither the tools nor the training to work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries!”

Me: “Yes, we do. I’ll gladly help check that you are buying the right one, but I won’t work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries! You HAVE to put it in for me!”

Me: “Sir, I could also sell you toilet paper, but you would still have to do the wiping yourself…”

Customer: “Do you have this shoe in a size 6? My son needs a size six.”

Me: “Ahh… no, I’m sorry. It seems we’re all out of that size.”

Customer: “But, there’s a size six right there.”

(She points to a shoe that is a completely different style.)

Me: “Yes, but that’s a different style shoe. We stock them alphabetically on the riser, but on the shelves we show them by price.”

Customer: “Just give me that six, then!”

Me: “Sure thing.” *hands her the box*

Customer: “This isn’t the shoe I wanted.”

Me: “I know. Even though I just told you that we are out of size six in the style you wanted, you still asked to see this one.”

Customer: “I don’t want this one. Put it back.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “What about this style shoe?”

Me: “Unfortunately, there aren’t any size sixes left in that style either.”

Customer: “But there’s a six RIGHT THERE.”

(Note that she is pointing to the box I JUST put back.)

Me: “That is a different shoe style, and you already looked at that EXACT box.”

Customer: “JUST GET ME THAT SIX!”

Me: “Okay.” *hands her the box*

Customer: “This isn’t the style that I wanted!”

Me: “…”

(I work at an amusement park where they have free unlimited drinks throughout the park, a fact that is posted all over the park.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much are your free soft drinks?”

Me: “… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Are you deaf son!? HOW MUCH ARE YOUR FREE SOFT DRINKS!?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir. I couldn’t hear you and thought you said something stupid. The free drinks are $5 each.”

Customer: “That’s f***ing highway robbery! You people should be ashamed!”

Me: “Oh, we are…”

Related:
Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear
Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear, Part Two