Kid: “Mommy, I want this candy!”

Mom: “No, you can’t have the candy. Put it back.”

Kid: “I WANT THIS CANDY!”

Mom: “You can’t have it!”

Kid: “I WANT THIS CANDY!”

(At this point, the mom takes the candy from the kid and hands it to me.)

Mom: *points at me* “The bad man took the candy! You can’t have it because the bad man took it!”

Kid: *in tears* “Why did you take the candy?!”

Me: *speechless*

(Our phone number is one digit off  from a doctor’s office, so we get calls for them all the time.)

Me: “Hello?”

Lady: “Is this Dr. ******’s office?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”

Lady: “That’s impossible! Oh wait, I know what this is… this is some kind of April Fools’ joke!”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can assure you that it is not.”

Lady: “Yeah, uh huh. You’re good, but I would like to make an appointment and I will not take no for an answer.”

Me: *sigh* “How is three-thirty?”

Lady: “Wonderful! See you scamps then.” *click*

Me, to my mom: “She told me I was playing an April Fools’ joke on her… in July.”

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, my name is ***. What can I help you with today?

Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

Me: “So what is the problem with the computer today?”

Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

Customer: “I don’t know, just fix it.”

Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

Customer: “I don’t know about computers, just fix the problem already!”

(This proceeds for almost 15 minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

Customer: “What was all that noise?”

Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

Me: “Okay… now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer… the computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager, that is very rude!”

Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else… I see this call ending, now!” *click*

(Thank goodness it was 1 AM and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)

(I work at an amusement park. On this day I’m overseeing Skee-Ball, where you roll balls up a ramp to make them hit 4″ wide holes on the wall.)

Customer: “How does this game work?”

Me: “Well, it’s kinda like bowling, but without the pins.”

Customer: “But a bowling ball doesn’t fit in those holes!”

Me: “No…”

(A man comes into the store. He’s covered in tattoos, sporting a buzz cut and a solid gold grill, and wearing a wife beater. He comes up to me.)

Man: “Uh, yeah, do you guys have a KKK costume?”

Me: “No… no, we don’t.”

Man: “Oh, uh, do you know where I could get one?”

Me: *repulsed* “I guess you could make one, but you’re not going to find it in any store in town.”

(He walks off, but returns about 5 minutes later.)

Man: “Do you have a Lorena Bobbitt costume?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Man: *leaves*

Coworker: “Who the h*** would WANT one?!”

Old man: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

Me: “Oh yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

Old man: “So, you have it?”

Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

(We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

Me: “This is it.”

Old man: “How much?”

Me: “$12.99.”

Old man: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

(I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Mum: “Yes?”

Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”

(The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

Mum: “Can I see the plate?”

(Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

Customer: “No.”

Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

Customer: “What?”

Mum: “F*** off!”

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

(Working at the zoo, I hear a lot of strange things from visitors…)

Me: *feeds chickens*

Older man: “Oh, you’re a bus stop!”

Me: “Huh?”

Older man: “A bus stop! You’re a bus stop, aren’t you?”

Me: “?”

Woman: “No, she’s not a bus stop.”

Older man: “…oh.”

Me: *completely at a loss*

Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how may I help you?”

Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

Me: “May I please have your card number?”

Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

Me: “Um… can I have your social security number?”

Customer: *gives number*

Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on 07/25/2008. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

(This is the third call like this in the past month.)