Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now…”

Female student: *runs through the university library lobby wearing only a string bikini top, hot pants, and loud flip-flops*

Coworker: “I guess she’s in a hurry.”

Me: “Maybe somebody found her shirt…”

(It’s Sunday and I’m dressed up because I just came from church. I’m shopping at the local bed and bath store.)

Customer: “Excuse me? Where are the curtain rods?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Me: “I don’t work here, ma’am, so I don’t know where the curtain rods are. I can help you find someone who does, though.”

Customer: “This is unacceptable. Show me where the curtain rods are.”

Me: “I hate to break this to you, but I really don’t work here. I think there is a help desk over there, though.”

Customer: *calls husband over* “Can you set her straight? I’m trying to find curtain rods and she refuses to help me!”

Husband: “Look, you are getting paid far to much money to be screwing around! Now, my wife asked you something very simple. She cannot seem to find the curtain rods. Show us where they are, or we will call your manager.”

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I don’t work here. I don’t know where they are.”

Husband: “I can tell a worker when I see one. No one but workers wears suits.”

Me: “I wear them for church, sir.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Yes, I’m wearing a suit because I just came from church with my family. I’m sorry I can’t help you.”

Customer: “I hate this store.”

Husband: “I know, honey, I know. Let’s just go. We can get curtain rods online!”

(I feel so sorry for the people who actually work here.)

Customer: “Hi, you know your stock pretty well, right?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “My wife is divorcing me, but her birthday is next week. I need a card for that.”

Me: “…I don’t think they really make a card for that occasion.”

Customer: “I’m looking for something that ain’t made in China. This one says made in EU… what’s that mean?”

Me: “It means it’s made in the European Union.”

Customer: “Billy! Billy come quick! This lady says Europe’s a union now!

Me: “No, ma’am, it means…”

Billy: “Europe united? ”

Me: “Sir, the European Union is…”

Billy: “‘Bout g*d**n time. It was them d*** countries that started the war!”

Related:
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(I work at the call centre for a major tollway, which has two long tunnels. One day there is a major accident in the tunnel, with a fuel fire and multiple fatalities, obviously closing it. Twenty minutes later, I receive a call.)

Caller: “They are directing me off the tollway… there weren’t any signs about this.”

Me: “That’s right, there’s been a major accident in the tunnel. However, the police, ambulance and fire service are all in attendance. The road is closed while they evacuate it.”

Caller: “But there are no signs about it! You always have signs when there’s a closure!”

Me: “If it’s a scheduled closure, we put signs up. Half an hour ago there was a major accident… I believe there has been a fatality. They are currently evacuating the tunnel and no one is able to drive through at the moment.”

Caller: “Half an hour? That means you should have signs up by now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, the maintenance crew who puts up the signs are assisting with the evacuation at the tunnel.”

Caller: “I don’t care about the accident, you should have signs!”

Me: “Tell that to the people trapped in the tunnel. Thanks for your call.”

Snooty customer: “I want a milkshake, but I want it made THICK. Last time I had a shake here, it was like drinking ice cream flavored water!”

Me: “I can assure you that I can make you a very thick milkshake, ma’am. What flavor would you like?”

Snooty customer:: “A milkshake! I want a milkshake!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What FLAVOR of milkshake would you like?”

Snooty customer: “I told you I wanted an extra chocolaty chocolate one!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One extra chocolaty chocolate milkshake, thick.”

(I fill the milkshake cup with chocolate ice cream and use hot fudge sauce instead of chocolate syrup. I add maybe a tablespoon of milk. I get it mixed up, ring her up and she leaves. A few minutes later she returns, cuts in front of about 10 people waiting in line and slams her milkshake on the counter.)

Snooty customer:: “I want to talk to a manager! I want to know why no one here can do their d*** job!”

Manager: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Snooty customer:: “I told that girl there I wanted a normal chocolate milkshake, and this is so thick I can’t get it through the straw! I just gave myself a headache trying to drink this thing! I demand double my money back, a free milkshake and some Ibuprofen!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I was standing right behind her when you placed your order. She made you what you asked for. An extra chocolaty shake that was thick. I am not returning your money or giving you a new milkshake.”

Snooty customer:: “But, my husband is Dr. *** and I always get what I want!”

(Suddenly, another customer who has been standing in line and watching the whole thing speaks up.)

Another customer: “Excuse me B****, but Dr. *** is my BROTHER and you sure as h*** aren’t his wife, you d*** liar!”

Snooty customer: *leaves in a huff* 

(My manager gave the other customer her entire order on the house. She deserved it, whether it was true or not.)

Customer: “I would like a tall coffee and a lemon cranberry scone, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just sold the last scone to another customer. Would you like a pumpkin scone or a white chocolate blueberry scone instead?”

Customer: “What? No! I come here every morning and get a tall coffee and scone! I DEMAND you get me a scone! Look in the backroom, I need my scone!”

(I go to the back room to check for a scone, although I knew we didn’t have any.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we just don’t have any more lemon scones. Would you like anything else from the pastry fridge?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you sold my scone to someone else! You ruined my morning!”

Me: “There is another location near here… maybe they will have a scone for you. I can even call them if you want so they can set it aside for yo–”

Customer: “Do you think I have time for that? I run on a schedule!”

(The customer who had bought the last scone notices the situation and comes over.)

Nice customer: “Listen, if you want the scone so bad, just take mine. Seriously I didn’t even touch it… just take it.”

Customer: “NO, THANK YOU!” *storms off*

(I was on the phone with a customer who was asking about underwear.  Keep in mind that I am female.)

Me: “Hello, this is ***. How may I help you?”

Male customer: “Yes, I’m looking for pink underwear.”

Me: “Okay, are you looking for men or women?”

Male customer: “Women.”

Me: “Alright, we have many types of pink underwear. Do you know what kind you are looking for?”

Male customer: “No, what kinds do you have?”

(I proceed to list off the types of ladies underwear that come in pink.)

Male customer: “Um, okay. What kind of underwear are you wearing?”

Me: “Is that really necessary?”

Male customer: “Yes.”

Me: “No, it’s not.” *click*

Related:
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One Bad Pickup Line, A Hundred Stitches

(I worked at a zoo next to a nature trail through some wetlands. It’s not part of the zoo, just a good view.)

Them: “Hey, we just love that walking trail.”

Me: “That’s great.”

Them: “Yeah, but I was wondering. How do you keep the animals in place?”

Me: “Well, we have cages for that.”

Them: “No, out there, on the trail.”

Me: “Those are wild animals, ma’am.”

Them: “Really? But they were sitting so nicely!”

Me: “Ducks tend to do that.”