Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the *** wedding party.”

(I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

Me: “… And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

Customer: “She can take elevators, it’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

(I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

(A woman comes up to the counter with a tennis bracelet.)

Customer: “I’d like to have this professionally cleaned, please.”

Me: “We’d be happy to do that for you. Can you give me the value so that we can put that on the form for insurance?”

Customer: “Of course. It’s worth $15,000.”

Me: “Ma’am, for such a high value, I’ll need to verify that these are actually diamonds.”

Customer: “Of course they’re real diamonds! My husband gave that to me for our anniversary, and said it was diamonds!”

(I go and get our diamond tester from the back. If the stones are diamonds, the machine will beep. I test the bracelet in front of her. It doesn’t beep.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these are more than likely cubic zirconia, and the highest value I could insure this bracelet for is $2,000.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you! Your machine must be broken!”

(I reach into the display case, and pull out a diamond ring. I silently test multiple stones, and the machine beeps as it should.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s functioning properly. We’ll be happy to send your bracelet out for cleaning, but will only be able to insure it for $2,000.”

(The woman’s face at this point is so contorted with rage she looks like she’s going to pop. She snatches the bracelet up and runs out of the store.)

Manager: “I’d like to be a fly on the wall, when he gets home!”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I want one single cigarette.”

Me: “No problem, can I see your ID?”

Customer: “What? Do I look 14 to you?”

Me: “No, you look 18, but unless I get ID I can’t sell them to you.”

Customer: “Why cant you sell me the beer and a cigarette?”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I could lose my job if I sold it to you without ID.”

Customer: “Oh, I am sure your job is sooo great and pays you a lot?!”

Me: “I’m not the one who can’t afford more than one cigarette.”

Related:
Burned

(I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.)

Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!”

Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.”

Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!”

Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?”

Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions, 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…”

(After this incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say “Do not include the dash”.)

Customer: “What do you think about this bra?”

Customer’s husband: “Umm… sure.”

Customer: “Okay, should I get this one in white or black?”

Customer’s husband: “I don’t know! I don’t wear them, I just take them off of you!”

Me: “Reference Desk, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I have been waiting for a book for months, and it’s overdue.”

Me: “Okay, I can put it on hold for you and that will trigger our system to call the person who has it out.”

Caller: “I can’t believe that you let people do this. It’s so rude! Don’t people understand that maybe someone else might be waiting to read that book?”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand. Could you please tell me your name and the title of the book?”

Caller: *tells me her name and the book title*

(I type in her name, click “Place Hold” and enter the title. An error message pops up: “Cannot place hold. This title is already checked out to this patron.”)

Me: “Ma’am… there seems to be a problem. I can’t place the book on hold for you because you are the one who has it checked out.”

Caller: “What? WHAT?! That is impossible! How could that be? I never checked that book out!”

Me: “Well, it’s out on your card, and it’s quite overdue. I’m going to have to ask you to return it, because there are people waiting to read it.”

Related:
An Expensive Temper Tantrum, Part 2

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Young customer: “My wireless connection isn’t working. Can you take a look at it?”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I get his laptop set-up and test the wireless. It picks up the store wireless with no problem.)

Me: “Well, pal it looks like your laptop is working just fine. It’s possible that it could be your router that’s the problem.”

Young customer: “I don’t have a router. I was just using a neighbor’s. They left and all the other signals are weak or locked.”

Me: “Then there is not a lot I can do for you, pal.”

Young customer: “Can’t you sell me a new wireless card so I can get a better signal?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, but that’s illegal. It’s considered theft of services to use someone’s connection without their permission.”

Young customer: “No, it’s not. If they didn’t want people using it, they would lock it.”

Me: “Yes, yes it is illegal. If I was to steal your car because you left it unlocked, and got caught. I would still go to jail.”

Young customer: “That’s different.”

Me: *sigh* “Sure it is. You have a nice day.”

Young customer: *storms off*

(I was in line at a Texas-style BBQ restaurant that serves you counter-style. A Wall Street-type dressed in a very expensive designer business suit is two people ahead of me.)

Counter guy: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “I need two pounds of moist brisket, wrapped up to go.”

Counter guy: “Sorry, we just ran out.”

Customer:  *slams fist on counter* “AAGGHH,  F***! What the f***?!”

Counter guy:  ”Um…. I’m sorry sir. We still have plenty of the lean brisket.”

Customer: ”I don’t want the f***ing lean brisket. I came all the way here for the moist. I can’t f***ing believe this s***! What the f***?”

Counter guy: “Sir…”

Customer: ”Ahh, s***! I can’t believe I came all the way the f*** up here for this s***. Of course you’re out! Why wouldn’t you f***ing have the moist? Ahh!”

Counter guy: “Sir, really, we have the lean and its still very good.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the lean, I came for the moist. S***! This f***ing sucks!”

Counter guy: “C’mon, sir, just try the lean. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Customer: “No, I won’t! I want the moist. How the f*** can you be out? F***!”

Counter guy: *offers a free sample of lean brisket* “I’ll give you some to try. Please, sir, just try it.”

Customer: “Fine!  I’ll try the d*** lean!”

(He takes a bite.)

Customer: *completely calm* “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not bad at all. I’ll take two pounds to go, please.”

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but what is in your black currant tea?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just black currant tea.”

Customer: ”But what’s in it?”

Me: “Dried black currant tea leaves.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

Me: “Black. Currant. Tea.”

Customer: “But you aren’t telling me what’s in it!”

Me: ”Ma’am, the tea distributors pluck leaves from a black currant plant. Then, they dry them out, and package them. Then, we pour hot water over the tea leaves, which infuses the hot water with the flavor of the tea.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

(My boss comes over.)

Boss: ”Ma’am, would you like a Coke?”

(A customer pulls up to the drive thru and the headpiece beeps in my ear to alert me.)

Me:  ”Welcome to ***** Coffee.  What can I get for you?”

Customer: *no response*

Me:  ”Hello? What can I get for you?”

Customer: *no response*

(The customer drives up to the drive thru window.)

Customer: “There must be something wrong with your drive-thru. I kept talking but you didn’t hear me.”

Me: “I was trying to talk to you. I know it works because I have been using it all day.”

Customer: “Well, it’s broken now.”

Me: “Did you roll down your window?”

Customer: “Oh, I have to do that?”