Movie Theater | Philadelphia, PA, USA
Customer: “I’d like two tickets for [movie], please.”
Coworker: “That movie is rated R. Can I see your ID?”
Customer: *shows an ID that states she is 18*
Coworker: “You need to be 21 in order to purchase an R-rated ticket for someone else.”
Customer: “But it’s for my son!”
Coworker: “How old is your son?”
Customer: “16…”
Coworker: “So you’re 18… and you have a 16 year old son?”
Customer: “That’s right!”
Coworker: “Let me get my manager…”
Manager: “Ma’am, you need to be 21 to purchase a ticket for a minor.”
Customer: “But he’s my son!”
Manager: “You’re telling me you gave birth when you were two years old?”
Customer: “YES! It happens, I promise you!”
Police | Zephyrhills, FL USA
(The number to our police department is only one digit off from a doctor’s office, so we often get wrong numbers.)
Me: “Police Department.”
Caller: “My doctor wrote a prescription for me for an X-ray and I need to make an appointment.”
Me: “Okay, and how can the police department help you?”
Caller: “Police department?! I was calling Dr. ***’s office! How DARE you answer his phone!”
Retail | St. John's, NL, Canada
(I’m trying to organize curtains, shams, valances, etc., when a customer approaches me.)
Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
Me: “I certainly do, can I help you with anything?”
Customer: *snotty* “Yeah, can you get out of my way, please?”
Me: “…”
Customer, to his wife: “I can say that to her because she works here!”
Grocery Store | Panama City Beach, FL, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”
Older caller: “Ma’am, do y’all sell olive oil?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am.”
Older caller: “But do you have it in a can?”
Me: “I’ve never seen one, but I know we have it in bottles of varying–”
Older caller: “Could you check for me?”
(I go down the aisle and sure enough, we carry massive 3-liter tin containers.)
Me: “Ma’am, sorry about the wait. But to answer your question, we do have it in large three-liter cans as well as bottles of varying size. If you want I can pull one off the shelf and hold it at the Service De–”
Older caller: “So you DO have olive oil in a can?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. Aisle four.”
Older caller: “WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HER THAT POPEYE’S LOOKIN’ FOR HER!” *hangs up*
Coffee Shop | San Jose, CA, USA
(A customer orders an iced drink. They usually come out with flat lids, but we were completely out and were forced to use the dome ones instead.)
Customer: “Why does this have a round lid on it? I want my drink with a flat lid instead.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re completely out of flat lids today.”
Customer: “But I want my round lid!”
Me: “I promise you, it will taste exactly the same.”
Customer: “Ooohhh…”
Vet | Ohio, USA
Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I’d like to make an appointment for a dismemberment.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “I want to bring in my dog for a dismemberment!”
Me: “Oh! You must mean a distemper shot.”
Customer: “Yes! Now, when can I get my dog dismembered?”
Restaurant | Reno, NV, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling *** Mexican Grill, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Hello, do you have mashed potatoes?”
Me: “No, ma’am. This is a Mexican restaurant.”
Caller: “Oh. Do you have lasagna?”
Me: “No, ma’am… this is a MEXICAN restaurant.”
(The customer finally orders some tacos.)
Me: “Anything else, ma’am?”
Caller: “Do you have spaghetti?”
Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have spaghetti.”
Caller: “WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT IS THIS?” *click*
Shoe Store | Midland, MI, USA
(A bunch of college-aged frat-looking boys walk into the shoe store while I’m shopping there.)
Dude 1: “Duuuuuude this store smells like something.”
Dude 2: “I know dude, it smells like shoes!”
Gift Shop | Adelaide, Australia
Customer: “I want to see that brooch.”
Me: “Here it is–”
Customer: “How much is it?”
Me: “Well, it’s–”
Customer: “You don’t need to know where I get my money from!”
Me: “Oh, okay. Well, it costs–”
Customer: “I’m on a disability pension.”
Me: “It costs thirty–”
Customer: “And it’s none of your business why!”
Me: “Thirty five dol–”
Customer: “I had an accident and broke my leg.”
Me: “…”
Customer: “Do you want to know why I’m buying this?”
Me: “Umm… no, it’s okay.”
Customer: “BECAUSE GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!”
Hotel | Richmond, VA, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is John speaking, how can I help you?
Caller: “I’m trying to get in contact with Mike Hunt.”
(I check the guest list to make sure we don’t actually have a Michael Hunt staying with us.)
Me: “Yes, Mr. Hunt is sharing a room with I.P. Freely, and he asked me to give you a message: he said to not call here again until you can come up with something a little more original, you pathetic losers.”
Caller: *hangs up*
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