Very pregnant girl: “I want to get my eyebrow pierced.”

Me: “I’m not piercing you until you pop out that kid.”

Very pregnant girl: “Why not? I have my ID, I have money!”

Me: “You’re pregnant.”

Very pregnant girl: “So?”

Me: “Whatever I do to you, your baby feels.  When you get pierced, your adrenaline raises and your blood sugar drops.”

Very pregnant girl: “Well… the opposite happens to me!”

Me: “Okay, that doesn’t make any sense, but fine. Your adrenaline drops and your blood sugar raises. It’s still affecting your kid negatively. Kinda like how you can’t drink or smoke when you’re pregnant.”

Very pregnant girl: “My mom smoked with me and I smoked will all my kids and we’re all fine!”

Me: “…”

(The store in question was very small: eight aisles, total, in a nice, easy-to-see square configuration.)

Customer: “Where are your batteries?”

Me: “Aisle 3.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Aisle 3…”  *points* “… just behind you.”

Customer: “Oh. Which one is aisle three?”

Me: “The one with the ‘3′ on it, sir.  In between aisles two and four.”

Customer: “Thanks!” *wanders off into aisle 2*

Boss: “Don’t do that again.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, before your photos were printed the technician noticed that they have a *ahem* content which we cannot print.”

Customer: “This is because I was nude, isn’t it?”

Me: “Well, that wasn’t the deciding factor in itself.”

Customer: “Are you saying that there is something wrong with the human body? That it is obscene?”

Me: “No, I cannot comment on that. But the use of certain… toys… in your photography did cross our line.”

Customer: “Well? What are you going to do for me?”

Me: “While I am forbidden to make and sell you the photos, the negatives are still yours. You can have them once you pay the processing fee.”

Customer: “Hmmmpph! Well, you can at least tell me how I looked!”

(At the hardware store where I work, I see an old lady pushing a cart with a heavy bag of dirt inside it.)

Me: “Here, I can help you with that, ma’am. ”

Old Lady: ”This cart is awful! It won’t steer anywhere I want it to!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, it is kind of heavy. Here, let me get you a new one.”

Old Lady: “NO! I want a new cart so I can go look at flowers!”

Me:  ”… okay. I’ll get you a new cart for the dirt.”

Old Lady: “You DON’T understand! I want a new cart! Not this one! This one is broken!”

Me: “That’s quite alright, ma’am. I’ll get you a new cart instead of this one.”

Old Lady: “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! I WANT TO GO LOOK AT FLOWERS AND I WANT A NEW CART!”

Me: “Okay,  I think we have a miscommunication here! You may go look at flowers as much as you want. Then, just come check out when you’re done.”

Old Lady: ”I’m just going to go look at flowers, AND I want a new cart.”

(About 15 minutes after she looks at flowers, she comes down to my register. She’s still pushing the old cart.)

Old Lady: “Well, I guess I’m done shopping for the day. Thank you so much for your help, sweetie!”

Me: “You’re… welcome?”

(A tall man in his 30’s walks in after I had told him over the intercom 3 times that we are a prepay station AND he read the sign on the pumps stating that as well.)

Me: “Afternoon! Can I help you?”

Man: “Yeah, I noticed that you don’t have the card sliders on the pumps. Do you know when you’re going to get those?”

Me: “Sir, I’m fairly confident we’re not getting those anytime soon.”

Man: “Oh. Well, in that case, I’m going to get in my car and drive away without buying your gasoline. In fact, I’m never coming back here again!”

(Note that I have never seen this man before and I recognize all my regular customers.)

Me: “Okay, sir.”

Man: “How exactly does that make you feel?!”

Me: “Well sir, to be honest with you, you’re not the first person that has tried to dampen my day. The fact of the matter is, you can’t dampen my day any worse than it already is when I have to show up here. You’re just one more customer I don’t ever have to hear yell at me again.”

Man: “F*** you and your gas pumps! Thank God people aren’t this rude in New Jersey!”

(Please note that I work in a beautiful 4-star hotel.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen size bed. Is that okay for you?”

Wife: “How much is it?”

Me: “$127.”

Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the 5th floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

(22 minutes later…)

Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

Me: May I ask you why?

Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

Me: “I’m sorry madam, but I can’t give you your money back… you stayed in the room for 25 minutes.”

Wife: “… and?!”

Me: “Why didn’t you come back after 5 minutes?”

Wife: “… because!”

(We all know what they did during 25 minutes!)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem with you guys! You are trying to screw me!”

Me: “Ok, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I am trying to buy a house. Your company is showing a unpaid bill for $5000, and my bank has denied my loan because of this.”

Me: “Well, according to our records you purchased an air conditioner two years ago for $3500. You made two payments of $150 and never made another payment.”

Customer: “Yes, so?”

Me: “Well, you never paid for the item so we reported it as such.”

Customer: “But I sold that house a year and a half ago!”

Me: “But you never paid for the air conditioner.”

Customer: “I KNOW THAT! WHY WOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON’T OWN! CALL THE NEW OWNERS AND GET YOUR MONEY, AND GET THIS OFF MY CREDIT REPORT!”

Me: “I am sorry, but we agreed to extend credit to you, not the new owners of the house. You signed the agreement, not them.”

Customer: “Where am I supposed to get $5000?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but all I can think of is when you got the money for selling the home with the air conditioner, you should have paid the account balance off.”

Customer: “I TOLD YOU I AM NOT GOING TO PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE!”

Me: “Okay, then I guess this call is over and I hope you get your bank to loan you the money.”

Customer: “So you fixed it?”

Me: “I sure did. Have a great day.”

(All I did was update her account with her new address and phone number. The legal dept had noted on the account they had been unable to locate her after she sold the home… they’ll definitely find her now.)

(A guy has been leaning over the counter trying to chat me up while I rang up his purchases. Finally, he notices the rings on my finger.)

Customer: “Oh, you’re married?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Don’t you find that puts guys off?”

(A customer is buying a file cabinet.  As I’m taking it out for her, the cabinet falls off of the hand truck and the lock gets pushed in.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The damage isn’t bad. Would you like us to fix it for you?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this undamaged!”

Me: “Of course, we could put together a new one for you.”

Customer: “I wanted this one.”

Me: “So shall I take it back and have it repaired?”

Customer: “I wanted it the way it was!”

Me: “I understand that, but the damage has been done. If you like, we can refund your money.”

Customer: “I don’t want a refund. ”

Me: “Okay… what do you want to do?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this like it was.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Okay, so what do you want to do?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy this cabinet like it was! Undamaged!”

Me: “Well, once you decide what you want to do, you let me know.”

(At this point, I take the cabinet into the back room and stay there. I never did find out what she did.)

Related:
Related:
Mission: Impossible, Part 2
Mission: Impossible
Mission Impossible, Part 3

(Even though I stutter a bit, I never had any trouble helping customers. This customer thought otherwise.)

Me: “C-can I help you sir?”

Customer: *odd look* “Yes, I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

Me: “Okay, that’s th-three ni-ninety please.”

Customer: “HELP! THIS GIRL CAN’T HELP ME!”

(At this point my colleague enters the shop, standing at the second cash register which is closed.)

Customer: “You! You can help me!”

Colleague: “I’m sorry, this cash register is closed. My colleague will help you.”

Customer: “But she can’t help me!”

(A line was begins to form behind the customer.)

Customer, to me: “So… he says you can help me.”

Me: “No, I can’t help you.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “I don’t help a**holes.”

Customer: *swears and leaves the store*

Related:
Never Smart: Biting The Hand That Makes Your Coffee