(A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

(At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

(The power generator for the gym had a moderate fire, effectively shutting off all of the power inside. Because the PA system is dead, the employees sweep the gym and escort all of the members outside.)

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we need to evacuate. There’s been a minor emergency.”

Gym member: “What? Why?”

Me: “There’s been an emergency. Everyone has to leave.”

Gym member: “I need to finish this set! I’ll be out in a minute! ”

Me: “Yeah, I’ll just tell the fire to wait for you, then. ”

(Meanwhile, firetrucks are approaching the building, and the sirens can be clearly heard.)

Gym member: “This is ridiculous! I’m gonna talk to management! Where are they?!”

Me: “Outside, because there’s a fire.”

Gym member: “… let me get my water.”

(I just started working at a computer store, so my trainer has a phone call on speaker so I can listen in.)

Lady: “You sold me a faulty piece of s*** laptop!”

Trainer: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Lady: “The  f***ing thing won’t open!”

Trainer: “Have you tried turning the laptop around, and opening it from the other side?”

Lady: “Oh.” *click*

Me: ”Thanks for calling *** support, how can I  help you?”

Caller: “I just bought sump’n down to the W-mart.”

Me: “And how can I help you with that?”

Caller: “Yup!”

*long pause*

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hey!”

Me: “What is it I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Got me one a dem orga, orgaz, origaniz, oregonize…”

Me: “Organizer?”

Caller: “Yup!”

Me: “And what can I do for you in regards to the organizer?”

Caller: “Well, it don’t do nuffin!”

Me: “Sounds like you may need technical assistance on the device, and unfortunately you’ve reached the sales line. I would be happy to give you the accurate number.”

Caller: “It free?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no, the support line is not toll free.”

Caller: “That’ll cost more-n-my origun, orgizen, org…”

Me: “Organizer?”

Caller: “Yup!”

Me: “You may want to first consult the manual for information.”

Caller: “That ol’ book don’t say nuffin but a bunch-o-words!”

(This big, muscular guy comes in for a massage. We assign clients randomly and he got stuck with me, 110 lbs of girl.)

Tough guy: “I requested a male therapist.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, would you like to go back? They’ll give you to the next guy when he’s ready.”

Tough guy: “How long will that take? I’ve been waiting for two hours!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m sure it won’t be much longer. We can go back and they’ll put you at the top of the wait list.”

Tough guy: “No! Let’s just do this already.”

(He explains that he likes “very deep pressure” and wants a deep-tissue massage with “lots of elbows”. He tells me to go as deep as I want because, “You’re not going to hurt me.” 30 seconds later, as I’m using my hands…)

Tough guy: “Ow, that’s too hard! Don’t go so deep!”

(I lighten it up a lot and start to run my forearm down his back, and he starts dramatically wincing and squirming all over the table.)

Tough guy: “OWWWW, that’s too hard! You need to go lighter!”

(By the end of the massage, I was just brushing him with my hands, his tolerance was so low. The next week, I got his comment card back.)

Tough guy’s comment card: “You beat the s*** out of me and I’m never coming back here again!”

Related:
Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

Me: “Hi there, welcome to [fast food restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a chicken nugget kids meal.”

Me: “Alrighty then, what would you like to drink?”

Customer: “Sweet and sour.”

Me: “Okay ma’am, but what would you like to drink?”

Customer: “I just told you, I want sweet and sour with my nuggets!”

Me, catching on to their game: “Okay… what would you like to dip?”

Customer: “Coke!”

(Overheard from a school group at a theme park.)

Student: “God, these stupid lines are so long!”

Teacher: “If you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Student: “I mean… these great lines are just long enough that we miss everything!”

(Everyone has had this customer. They must clone them somewhere.)

Me: “That will be $2.88.”

(The customer puts a dollar on the counter and out of her purse pulls a snap-top coin pouch and I know I am screwed. She starts rooting in it, pulling out one coin at a time.)

Customer: “5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

(I void out her sale and wait on the next customer. I ring him up and give him his change.)

Customer: “Why did you wait on him? I was first.”

Me: “Well, he had the mystical ability to hand me 3 dollar bills for his key and you are still trying to come up with $2.88, a coin at a time.”

Customer: “Now you made me lose count! 5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

(I wait on several more customers.)

Customer: “Young man…” (I am 59, btw.) “… can you tell me if this is a penny or a dime?”

Me: “It is a dime.”

Customer: “Oh, I want to get rid of my pennies…” *puts dime back in pouch, starts rooting in it again* “… 76, 77, 78…”

(I continue to wait on more customers until after what seems to be an eon…)

Customer: “Oh, I only have $2.86. I will have to give you another dollar.” *starts emptying purse on counter*

Me: “No, no, that will be just fine… $2.86, no problem.”

Customer: “But I am 2 cents short!”

Me: “Trust me, not a problem.”

Customer: “Hi there, I was wondering if you could help me?”

Me: “Of course. What are you after?”

Customer: “Well, my son is a huge Star Wars fan and he really wants one of those Lightsabers.”

Me: “Not a problem, we have plenty of them. Was there any particular one you were after.”

Customer: “Do you have one of the ones that come out of the handle?”

Me: “We have several pop-out ones, they also make a sound.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(They walk off and pick some of the different designs up and walk back to me.)

Customer: “Hi again.”

Me: “Did you find one?”

Customer: “Not the one that he wants.”

Me: “Well we also have some better ones in the window, would you like to see?”

Customer: “Yes, please”

(I get a prop Lightsaber out of the window and show it to them.)

Customer: “Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be the right one.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s all we really do.”

Customer: “So you don’t do the one that cuts things?”

Me: “Erm, the ones that cut things?”

Customer: “You know, the ones from the movies.”

Me, giving up: “Erm… you could try the Entertainer, they should do them.”

Customer: “Brilliant, thanks very much.”

(If this wasn’t bad enough, it’s happened about 3 times in the past year.)

(A customer calls our restaurant over a supposed sandwich issue…)

Customer: “Yeah, I think someone spit or drooled in my sandwich.”

Me: “Oh? I’m sorry to hear that sir. Did you see the employee spit in your sandwich?”

Customer: “It was the guy with the green hair. Well, I think. My fiancee saw him do it.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Bring the sandwich in and we’ll replace it or issue you a refund.”

Customer: “I can’t. My fiancee told me what she saw after we ate our sandwiches.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Store policy requires for you to return a portion of the item purchased.”

Customer: “But he spit in it!”

Me: “Are you sure that the sandwich is what you should be concerned about? I mean, she did let you eat the whole thing.”

Customer: *click*