Toy Store | Rochester, NY, USA
(I was a cashier at a popular toy store chain when a woman came up to the register with an opened Ouija board.)
Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”
Me: “Is there anything in particular that’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Well, no, it works. I’m returning it because it let evil spirits into my house!”
Me: *laughs*
Customer: “Why are you laughing? This game let spirits into my house, and I demand a refund!”
Me: “Uh, oh, alright then.” *I process the return*
Customer, on the way out: “You really shouldn’t be selling satanic toys like this. What if a demon had come through and possessed one of my children?”
Me: “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll definitely pass that on to management.”
Electronics Store | Sacramento, CA, USA
(A customer came in looking for a specific FM transmitter. I pointed him in the right direction and he came back five minutes later with the device in hand.)
Me: “Found it alright?”
Customer: “Yup. I came, I saw, I conquered.”
Me: “Veni, vidi, vici?”
Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?!”
Electronics Store | New Orleans, LA, USA
(A customer comes in to return a powerhorn. We’re often wary of these returns, as customers often put them under their car to increase their radio’s volume and blow them out within a day.)
Customer: “I don’t need this. I didn’t open it.”
Coworker: “Okay, let me take a look at it…”
(The packaging HAS been opened, but it still might not be a big deal. However, my coworker finds a chicken bone in the box.)
Coworker: “Ma’am, I think you left something in here.”
Customer: “Oh! That’s my lunch!”
Coworker: “You said you didn’t open it?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
Coworker: “But there’s a chicken bone in the box. And the wiring has been cut. And the unit is cracked.”
Customer: “It CAME like that.”
Coworker: “With a chicken bone in the box?!”
Customer: “YEAH!”
Related:
Fowl Behavior
Deli | Bay Area, CA, USA
(A customer comes up to the register with her sandwich purchase, which had sun-dried tomatoes on it.)
Customer: “Do you make the sun-dried tomatoes here?”
Me, jokingly: “Yes, we have several lawn chairs in back. We cut the tomatoes into little strips and leave them out there for a week or two. ”
Customer: “Really?!”
Me: “No, I was just kidding. We get them from a distributor. ”
Customer: “Well, that’s not nice of you at all! When I was growing up I was always taught to believe things I was told by salespeople!”
Retail | Sandy, OR, USA
Me, on overhead: “Good evening shoppers, the time is now 11 PM and your shopping center is now closed for the evening. Please bring all final purchases to the lit registers and thank you for shopping with us. Good night.”
(5 minutes later…)
Customer: “Can I still check out?”
Cashier next to me: “Yes, come on in.”
Customer: “I need to check some prices on a few items, can you do that for me?”
Cashier: “I think everyone in that department has gone home, but I can check for you.”
(10 minutes later…)
Cashier: “That will be $174.34, please.”
Customer: “Oh, I don’t have enough money. Can I write you an IOU? I shop here all the time.”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t take IOU’s.”
Customer: “Then can you hold this until the morning, and I can come back?”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t hold things overnight. Our policy states we can’t do that.”
Customer: “So what… you’re trying to kick me out of the store?!”
Cashier: “No, ma’am. If you’d like to take a few things off to afford your purchase, I’d be more than happy to check you out.”
Customer: “FINE! I’m done!” *storms out of the store*
Me, on overhead: “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”
Ice Cream Shop | Pinehurst, NC, USA
Customer: “Oh, look at all this yummy gelato!”
Me: “Yes ma’am, the front row is gelato and the back row is ice cream.”
Customer: “Okay, I want butter pecan.”
(Butter pecan is in the back row, so it’s an ice cream. I scoop it for her.)
Customer: “Well, this is just delicious. Do you have any regular ice cream and not gelato?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. Like I said before, the back row is ice cream.”
Customer: *stops eating suddenly* “What? But I wanted gelato!”
Me: “Ma’am, I told you which ones were the gelatos. I can get you something else.”
Customer: “But, but, but I wanted gelato!”
Customer’s husband: “Quit your b****in’, I’ll eat it at home.”
Related:
Catastrophe Averted
Aquarium Store | Vancouver, BC, Canada
Customer: “I just got a new fish tank, and I was wondering what kind of fish I could put in it.”
Me: “Sure, no problem.”
(I proceed to show her some good starter fish. I point out some tetras, when she says…)
Customer: “I thought that you needed a bubbler for those kinds of fish.”
Me: “Oh! You don’t have a filter or anything?”
Customer: “No. Just a tank.”
Me: “Okay, well the only type of fish that can live in a bowl like environment are bettas.”
Customer: “But I don’t want these kinds of fish!”
Me: “Well, if you want to get anything else, you will have to purchase a filter and everything for your tank.”
Customer: *points to some guppies* “So I can’t get these?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: *points to some mollies* “What about these?”
Me: “No. With the tank set up you have, you can only get bettas.”
Customer: “What about the platties?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “So I can’t get anything else?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “So I can’t get the barbs?”
Me: *facepalm*
Furniture Store | Phoenix, AZ, USA
(I’m at customer’s house to try and repair a desk…)
Me: “Well, it can’t be repaired, so I’ll have to order a new desktop. It could be a couple of weeks.”
Customer: “So you’re taking this one with you right?”
Me: “No, I can’t fit it in my vehicle.”
Customer: ”So you’ll be back for it then?”
Me: “No, we don’t do delivery; henceforth, we don’t do pickups, either.”
Customer: “But I bought it from your store!”
Me: “… and you took it home from my store.”
Customer: “Yeah, and it barely fit in my SUV!”
Me: “But it did fit, and you took it home with you.”
Customer: “Well, you’re going to need to pick it up. I’m not bringing it all the way back.”
Me: “Stay with me here: you bought it, picked it up, took it to your home and discovered it had a problem. Now you want to disavow all responsibility? That isn’t how it works. If you got a blender home and it didn’t work, would you call the store and tell them to come pick it up?”
Customer: “…”
Me: “You’re remodeling your home, not paying me to do it. Don’t forget what that Y stands for in DIY.”
Customer: *sheepishly* “… can you help me put it in my car?”
Zoo | St. Paul, MN, USA
Zoo visitor: “Aren’t lions vegetarians?”
Me: “No, lions are carnivores.”
Zoo visitor: “I’m sure I read somewhere that they are vegetarians. How are they carnivores?”
Me: “Sir, lions are well known carnivores. They hunt for their food. Their diet consists of mostly meat. They would not survive on fruits and vegetables alone.”
Zoo visitor: “Are you sure about that?”
Me: *sarcastically* “Well, if you really want to you, can jump into the lion exhibit to see if they’ll eat you.”
Zoo visitor: “Vegetarians wouldn’t eat a human, would they?”
Me: “My point exactly.”
Related:
Natural Selection In Action
Video Rental | San Diego, CA, USA
(I’m walking around stocking videos when a man comes up to with an extremely strange accent.)
Customer: “I’m looking for the Garraporta.”
Me: “I’m not sure what movie that is. What’s it about?”
Customer: “It’s the Garraporta. There are many movies!”
Me: “Uh, did you ask at front desk?”
Customer: “Garraporta, Garraporta! There are many movies!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve never heard of that movie.”
(I try every way to tell him I don’t know that movie, but he follows me all around the store saying “Garraporta!” Suddenly, he stops and picks up a movie.)
Customer: “Here, Garraporta!”
Me: “Oh, Harry Potter!
Customer: “Yes, Garraporta! There are many movies!”
Related:
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