Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [video rental store]. We have thousands of rentals for 99 cents. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, I just bought a movie from yer lil’ store, and uh, I can’t get the darn thing open!”

(In our store, we have movies protected against theft by having a magnetic lock in them, so my first thought was maybe we had left the lock in.)

Me: “Um, yes, I apologize. I think we might have left the lock in by mistake. Would you mind driving back here and–”

Customer: “DRIVING BACK THERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY I LIVE?!”

Me: “Oh. Sorry, ma’am. Well, I need to know if the lock is in there. Could you turn the case over and look at the bottom ridge for a little yellow tab?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You ain’t makin’ yerself clear, honey.”

Me: “Okay, turn the box upside down so that you’re looking at its ridge. Is there a little yellow tab there?”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Erm. Wait. Is it inside the box?”

Me: … I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Do I need to open it to see it?”

Me: “Well, if there’s a lock in there, you won’t be able to open it. Please flip the case over, and look for the yellow tab in the bottom corner–”

Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I bought this movie called Babe. It’s about a pig.”

Me: “Yes, I’m familiar with the movie, ma’am. Now if you would please look for the yellow tab?”

(This goes on for about five minutes. By now, I’m getting extremely frustrated and I’m tired of being friendly.)

Me: “Ma’am, is the movie covered in plastic?!”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, have you tried cutting the plastic?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am? Did you get it open?”

Customer: “Yes ma’am! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

(I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)

Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*

Me: “Need help finding something?”

Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.”

Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”

Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!” *giggle giggle*

(I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.)

Me: “Here–Jason’s.”

Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”

(Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

Sandwich seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

Audience member: “What flavour are they?”

Sandwich seller: “… spam.”

Ticket log: “When I shake my computer, I get the blue screen of death”.

Me: “Welcome to [movie theater]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Two for [rated R movie].”

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Customer:  ”I don’t have any.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you any tickets.”

Customer: “But I’m 17! I’m allowed to see it!”

Me: “Not without an ID you aren’t! And even if you had an ID, I could only sell you one. You have to be 21 to buy more than one.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! Look, I drove here today!”

(At this point he flashes daddy’s Mercedes keys in my face to “prove” he drove here.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You drove your Mercedes here without any form of ID, including a driver’s license?”

Customer: “YEAH! WHAT OF IT?!”

Me:  ”I’m sure the Raleigh Police Officer standing right behind you would love to have a word with you.”

Related:
Coming To A Theater Near You: Gangsta Ushers

Me: “Can I help you with anything sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for some shrimp.”

Me: “Shrimp is in the seafood department, right over there.”

Customer: “See, I don’t want to boil them, I just want to barbecue them.”

Me: “Okay, well, they should be in the seafood department.”

Customer: “But I want to barbecue them. Could you get me a pound of shrimp?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have shrimp in the deli.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any?”

Me: “We only have deli meat and cheese in the deli. The seafood department has shrimp, just over there.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because shrimp are seafood… they live in the sea.”

Customer: “… really?”

Zoo visitor: *points to cage* “Ain’t that one of them brown ree-cluse spiders?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a local spider called a fishing spider. Brown recluses are much much smaller and–”

Zoo visitor: “Yeah it is. That there’s a brown ree-cluse spider. I had one in my basement; exterminator told me it was a brown ree-cluse.”

Me: “Brown recluses really don’t get this far east. Plus they’re much much smaller.”

Zoo visitor: “HONEY! Come over here a sec. Ain’t this one of them ree-cluse spiders?”

Zoo visitor’s wife: “Yep! Just like that one from the basement.”

Zoo visitor: “Honey, tell ‘em what we did with that spider that night when we was makin’ love!”

(I did not stay to hear the rest. I was too terrified.)

Related:
TMI Redux
Way Too Much Information
TMI (Too Much Information)

Library patron: “I need to get on a computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry… as the sign on the sign-up computer says, the entire computer system is down.”

Library patron:“Oh, I just need to check my email.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s everything.”

Library patron: “Well, could you look up a book for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I guess I’m not clear. The ENTIRE system is down. We can’t do anything that involves the internet and that includes printing things out. We even use VOIP phones so we can’t call out.”

Library patron: “Oh. Well, just look up what I have checked out right now, and tell me when it’s due.”

Me: “I can’t do that, either.”

Library patron: “Can you check my email for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We use the same system.”

Library patron: “But, I saw you typing!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m working on a report on the word processor. This is something that doesn’t use the Internet.”

Library patron: “Well, when will the computers be fixed?”

Me: “We don’t know.”

Library patron: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s broken. If we knew what was wrong, we’d be fixing it.”

Library patron: “Does this happen often?”

Me: “Nope.”

Library patron: “So you are saying it’s just a coincidence that the first time I need to use the computer, the system is down?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Library patron: “Do you actually do anything useful here?”

Me: “Well, normally I’d be troubleshooting the problem with the system, but for the past 10 minutes, I’ve been having to answer your questions about it.”

Library patron: *stomps off*

Me: “Hi welcome to [ice cream shop], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to order that new Thin Mint Blizzard.”

Me: “Alright, what size?”

Customer: “Small.”

Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “I don’t want it green.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “It’s green in this picture! I want it white! Whatever you put in there to make it green, I don’t want it.”

Me: “That would be our mint topping.”

Customer: “Mint? Ewww! No.”

Me: “So that’s one Thin MINT Cookie Blizzard with no MINT topping?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Hello, how are you today?”

Customer: “Hi, can you ring this stuff up and tell me how much it is?”

Me: “Uh… yeah. That’s kind of what I do.”

Customer: “Okay, but can you put it in bags too? I need to bring it home.”

Me: “… I can do that too.”