(At our library, the computers are all self-sign up. All you have to do is type in your name and library card number. This is clearly posted on the side of the monitor. In walks a young woman and her boyfriend.)

Young woman: “Can you help me with this?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Young woman: “I don’t know what to do.”

Me: “The instructions are on the side of the monitor.”

Young woman: “But why can’t you tell me how to do it?”

Me: “Because it’s SELF-SIGN UP.”

Young woman: “But I need help!”

Me: “All you have to do is type in your name and library card number.”

Young woman: “But do I have to read the screen?”

Me: *confused* “Of… course. The screen tells you when to type in your information. You have to read the screen.”

Young woman: “BUT I DIDN’T COME INTO THE LIBRARY TO READ!”

Young woman’s boyfriend: *turns abruptly and walks out the door*

Me: “Photography studio, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, hi, I just received a second notice…”

Me: “… for your yearbook session?”

Customer: “Yeah, well, for my daughter. I’m just calling to see if this is a scam.”

Me: “No, ma’am, we work with your daughter’s high school. If she doesn’t have her photo taken within the next three weeks, it won’t appear in the yearbook.”

Customer: “Oh… so do you offer a class?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, a class for parents who don’t really understand this whole process?”

Me: “Well it’s really not that complicated. Your daughter just has to come to the studio and have her picture taken. It will probably only last twenty minutes. If you want more information on the sessions we sent out brochures with the first notice or you can go to our website.”

Customer: “So… you don’t offer a class?”

(I was trying to put a dressing on the arm of a VERY confused but cute elderly man.)

Me: “Just hold your arm out so I can wrap this around it.”

Elderly patient: *reaches out his arm and grabs my right breast*

Me: “Hey! You can’t do that!”

Elderly patient: “But I like it…”

Me: *laughs

(Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”  

(The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Customer: “Oh my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

Customer: “Oh my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

Me, to coworker: “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

Coworker: “You should put that on notalwaysright.”

Me: “I think I will.”

(She never did call our manager.)

(There is a long line at a small local convenience store due to a very nice but inexperienced cashier. The cashier messes up a purchase for the second time…)

Owner, to cashier:  ”What the f*** is wrong with you?! You are so f***ing worthless!”

Customer: “How dare you talk to her like that! She is trying her hardest!”

Owner, to customer: ”If you don’t like how I treat my employees, you can leave!”

(Upon hearing this, everyone in line drops their things on the ground and walks out of the store.)

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(This happened during the Midwest’s massive flooding in June, 2008.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store].  I’m sorry, but–”

Caller: “Can you get me the price of a digital camera?”

Me: “Sir, I am sorry but we are currently in a code black.

Caller: “What is that?”

Me: “That is where the managers are telling the employees and the customers to move to the center of the store due to violent weather.”

Caller: “But could you just look for me quick?”

Me: “Sorry, but I have to get to the back of the store because there is a tornado coming!”

Caller: “You people are so selfish. I am going to call your district manager and–”

Me: *hangs up and runs for my life*

Customer: “Hey, I’m booked to get the train tomorrow at 0800 to Manchester. Can you tell me if the train will be on time?”

Me: “Good morning. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to predict if it will be on time, but this one is fairly reliable.”

Customer: “How come you can’t just tell me if it’s going to be on time?

Me: “Well, there’s any number of things that could go wrong on the day that I couldn’t predict. For example flooding, the train breaking down, maybe even a sick dri–”

Customer: “Oh my god! All those things are going to be wrong with the train?”

Me: “No, I’m sure not all that will happen at once. Those are just examples.”

Customer: “So it’s on time, then?”

Me, giving up: “Yes, it’ll be on time.”

Customer: “Great, why didn’t you just say that?”

(Sure enough the next day the whole mainline was brought to a standstill by a lorry hitting a rail bridge.)

Customer: “YOU SAID IT WOULD BE ON TIME! NOW I’M GOING TO BE ****ING LATE!”

Me: “Sorry sir, but I doubt I would have been able to predict that! There will be a bus coming to take you to a different station where you can–”

Customer: *rants abusively*

Manager: “Look, would you just piss off? We are not omniscient! Next time you need to book a train, book it somewhere else!”

Customer: *storms out*

(I work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s retail store. Here are a few things customers have asked me.)

1. “Do you sell doo-rags here?”

2. “Do you want to come live in my condo with me, wrap my gifts and keep me company?”

3. “What?! Iced tea makes you thirsty?!”

4. “Do my earrings make me look like Greta Garbo? Do they scream ‘I want to be alone’?!”

5. “Are these rainbow watches for the queers?”

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Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

Old man: “Thank you. Is your family doing anything for the 4th of July?”

Me: “Not really. We’re Canadian so we may hold a BBQ on July 1st, which is Canada Day.”

Old man: “WHAT? You’re not American? I thought all foreigners had to become American when they came to this country!”

Me: “No sir, my family all has green cards, so we’re all still Canadian citizens.”

Old man: “I’M SICK OF ALL YOU F***ING ILLEGAL ALIENS TAKING ALL OUR F***ING JOBS! AN AMERICAN BOY SHOULD HAVE YOUR JOB!”

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Me: “Ma’am, may I see your ID for your credit card?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: *points to the back* “Because it says to ‘See ID’.”

Customer: “Oh, right. I wrote that there so you can take it.”

Me: “I still need to see your ID.”

Customer: “Why? I wrote that so you know it’s me.”

Me: “Imagine if someone stole your card, told me they wrote ‘See ID’ and I accepted it?”

Customer: “But that didn’t happen, it’s really my card. Just take it!”