Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the zoo closed at 6 pm today.”

Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No it doesn’t.”

Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up? I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere. Can I see the paper you printed out?”

Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?”

Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?”

Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at 6 pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.”

Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off*

(I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than 6 pm.)

(Okay, for starters: I am wearing clown makeup, a bright pink wig, and a bright orange shirt with our store’s logo on it in HUGE font. A woman with a bible in one hand and a cross in another comes up to me.)

Woman: “Do you work here?”

Me: “… yes.”

Woman: “YOU WILL ALL BURN IN H*** FOR SELLING THESE ITEMS CELEBRATING SATAN’S HOLIDAY!” *turns to customers* “…AND YOU WILL BURN FOR SUPPORTING THEM!”

Manager, over loudspeaker: “Thank you for shopping at H***Mart! All items are now 6.66% off for the next 6 minutes, 66 seconds. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

Related:
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 2
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

Me: “If I can just get your signature there…”

Elderly customer: *scribbles his name, then starts drawing on the counter*

Me: “Uh… sir?”

Elderly customer: *starts drawing up the side of the cash register*

Me: “Sir? You just… sign your name.”

Elderly customer: *doodles in the air, up and up… and then jabs me in the forehead with the pen and draws lines on my face*

Me: “What the h***?”

Elderly customer: “Reactions like that would have gotten you killed in the war!”

Customer, to her boyfriend: “Don’t ask him. He’s the one who said he liked that other movie!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry? What movie did I say I liked before to you?”

Customer:  ”You said that In Bruges was good.”

Me: “Um, yeah. I actually really liked that movie. What was wrong with it?”

Customer: “It was sad, and there was a lot of blood in it!”

Me: “… and?”

Customer: “You didn’t tell me there was going to be blood!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you it was a movie about hitmen.”

Customer: “So?!”

(I work at a store that is open 24/7, and only closed for 36 hours out of the entire year.  Around EVERY holiday, there is someone who calls the store wondering if the store is open. This past 4th of July, I decided to have a little fun with it.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys were open today?”

Me: “No, I’m the only one here to answer the phone.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m out in the parking lot and there are a lot of cars parked out here.”

Me: “Yeah, I like to drive a lot.”

(Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”

Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?”

Customer: “This is the *** Coffee  in *** Square?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.”

Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

Me: “Seriously?”

(I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

(I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

Me: “Okay, well if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

(I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

(Without another word, she walked out of the bathroom, and out of the store.)

Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”

Customer: “Can I get a pumpernickel bagel and a plain bagel in a bag?”

(I get him his bagels. He looks at the bag with a wistful expression.)

Customer: “Pumpernickel bagel.”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Keeps the peace at home, you know?”

Me: “Um, sure.”

Customer: “Really does. Twenty-three… no, thirty-four years of marriage and it’s come to this. Pumpernickel bagel.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Pumpernickel… bagel.” *leaves*

(A customer calls to ask if his car is ready to be picked up.)

Caller: “Is my car ready to be picked up?”

Me: “I can check for you, sir. Which car is it?”

Caller: “The one I dropped off this morning.”

Me: “Right, and which one would that be?”

Caller: “The one that I dropped off today.”

Me: “Sir, we have a lot of customers on a daily basis. I can’t go on that alone…”

Caller: “I dropped it off this morning!”

Me: “Sir, lots of people dropped their cars off this morning. You need to tell me more. The license plate number, or what you dropped it off for, for example?”

Caller: “It’s the car that I dropped off this morning!”

Customer: “Do you take passport photos?”

Me: “Yes we do. Do you want one taken?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Just stand in front of the screen, please, and I’ll take your photo.”

(She walks up and stands in front of the white screen; she’s facing the background with her back towards me. My coworkers can barely keep it together at this point.)

Me: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to turn around if you don’t want the back of your head on your passport.”

Camper: “Can I get a root beer float?”

Me: “No, you can only order a single scoop cup or cone.”

Camper: “So I can get one?”

Me: “You can get a single scoop ice cream, cup or cone.”

Camper: “So can I get a root beer float?”

Me: “You can get a cup or cone, single scoop or ice cream. That’s what you can get. Got it?”

Camper: *nods*

Me: “So what are you getting?”

Camper: “A root beer float.”

Me: “Are you seriously not getting this?”