Me: “Welcome to ****** ma’am! Is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Do you have any glass candle holders?”

Me: “Of course, what kind were you looking for?”

Customer: “Oh, nothing in particular. Could you bring me a selection? The kids are kinda cranky and I need to get some towels.”

Me: “Here’s about eight different kinds.”

Customer: “Don’t you have anything tall and thin? I need something about six inches high.”

Me: “Two of these are over six inches…”

Customer: “Those are too plain. Can I get something with a floral pattern? Etched on the glass, I mean. ”

Me: “This one has an etched vine design on it.”

Customer: “Oh that one’s too expensive. It needs to be under five dollars.”

Me: “I found a style that fits your description, ma’am.”

Customer: “Great! How many of them do you have?”

Me: “Well, it was in the clearance section, which means that more than five could be difficult to find. How many do you need?”

Customer: “Five hundred.”

Me: “… um, I don’t think we have five hundred of ANYTHING in stock. We don’t deal in high volume. I can order five hundred of this item for you though, and have them delivered to your house.”

Customer: “How long would that take?”

Me: “For an older item like this, and with that high a number, it will probably take the full two weeks specified in our shipping guarantee. We’ll need to get them from multiple locations.”

Customer: “Oh. I need them by tomorrow. ”

Me: “… what?”

Customer: “It’s a big charity event I’m hosting, and I need five hundred identical glass candle holders by tomorrow.  Plus you do free gift wrapping, and I figured I could save some money there.  I wanted ones like I saw in another store but I guess you just don’t have a very good selection.”

Me: “Not if you need five hundred of them at once!”

(This happened at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. We had received copies of the older three so people could get caught up on the series.)

Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

Me: “Alright, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

Me: “Well, that’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

Me: “… so, what do you want me to do?”

Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

(So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

Manager: “What’s up?”

(The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

Customer: “Well yeah, we utilized it.”

Manager: “Then stop using 5-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

Customer: “What number can I call?”

(We give him the number for our regional manager. We hear the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

(We shot a wedding after dark and in the rain last year. When the happy couple met with me to pick up their photos the conversation went like this…)

Bride: “I am so disappointed that there are no beautiful sunset pictures, like on your website.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but if you remember correctly the weather was terrible, and you got married in the dark.”

Bride: “Yeah, but we paid you a lot of money!”

Me: “I would charge a lot more money if I could turn back time and change the weather.”

Bride: “All of the other weddings we saw on your website have beautiful sunsets!”

Me: “We took those photos at sunset, before it got dark, and it wasn’t raining.”

Bride: “I’m sick of your slick excuses. You have an answer for everything!”

(This conversation went on, round and round like this for an hour. The mom called and we had the exact same conversation!)

(I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?”

Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ”

Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!”

(She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.)

Customer: “This is a readin’ movie. Do I have to pay fer this? It’s a readin’ movie. Ya’ know, where ya’ have to read it?”

Me: “You mean it had subtitles?”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! I don’t have to pay for that, do I?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t do preferential refunds because it isn’t our obligation to make sure the customer likes the movie. We just make it available.”

Customer: “That’s bullcrap!”

(He skulks away from my register and hangs around the candy display as the next customer walks up laughing.)

Me, to the next customer: “Hello, ma’am. How’re you doing today? Good? That’s great. Before we start here, I’d like to warn you that this magazine you’re about to purchase is a readin’ magazine, and that we don’t give refunds. Sorry.”

(The previous disgruntled customer, who obviously heard everything I said, is completely oblivious to the fact that I’m mocking him.)

(I’m outside walking a small poodle before her bath.)

Passing woman, to the poodle: “Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!”

Me: “…”