Me: “Hi, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

Me: “That’ll be $1.95.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t want to pay for it.”

Me: *shocked* “Ma’am, this is a store. We sell things for money in order to make a profit.”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “The coffee isn’t free.”

Customer: “Can I have the coffee anyway, since you already poured it?”

Me: “No. ”

Customer: *looks at me for a moment and then walks away*

Me: ”Ma’am, you’re not allowed to have non-service dogs in the store unless you’re holding them.”

Woman: “Oh, I know.”

Me: “Well… I am going to have to ask you to keep the dog in your arms while you’re shopping.”

Woman: “That’s fine. I just had to readjust my thong.”

Woman’s young daughter: “MOM!!!!”

Woman: “What? I wanted him to know.”

Related:
Way Too Much Information

(Having moved, I got a new phone number which previously belonged to a retail store in Clermont-Ferrand. I had already had a few calls for that store, so I knew the drill.)

Woman: “Hello, is this ***? I would like to know until when you are open.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you dialed a wrong number. *** doesn’t have this number anymore. I’m pretty sure they closed.”

Woman: “That’s not my problem! You didn’t answer my question. When do they close?”

Me: “No, seriously, you’re calling me at home here. I’m sure that if you look in the yellow pa–”

Woman: “Now look here, young man! I don’t have all day. Do you live in Clermont-Ferrand?”

Me: “Well, actually I do, but–”

Woman: “THEN TELL ME WHEN *** CLOSES! GO LOOK IT UP OR SOMETHING!”

Me: “Seriously?”

Woman: *calmly* “Yes.”

Me: “I’m hanging up now.”

Woman: “WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO–”

Me: *click*

(When I was a teenager I worked in a skateboard shop in the mall. I was working with my buddy and we see a loud, filthy group of guys coming down the hall towards our store.)

Loud, filthy customer #1:  ”You guys sell hackie sacks, the kind with sand in ‘em?”

Me:  ”Yup, right there.” *pointing*

Loud, filthy customer #2: “What’s the return policy?”

Me: “Thirty days with a receipt.”

Loud, filthy customer #2:  ”So, if I shoot this hackie sack with mah sawed-off 12-gauge and run it over in mah truck, you’ll still take it back? HAW HAW!”

Me:  ”Heh, no. Thanks, guys.”

(They leave. All the while, my coworker has been there, arms crossed, not moving an inch, with a cold, dead, angry stare.)

Coworker:  ”Cousins need to STOP f***ing.”

(I’d never laughed so hard in my life.)

(I work in a large electronics retail chain. A guy asks me to find the latest version of Norton AntiVirus for him, which I do. He takes a look at the price and starts yelling about how outrageous it is ($100.00 US).)

Guy: “What the h***? How can you people get away with this? This is a scam!”

Me: “Sir, I can suggest another type of protection if this one is too expensive…”

Guy: “No way! This is the one I want, but I’m not paying this.”

Me: “Sir I–”

Guy: “I bet I can find it online for much cheaper. Heck, even free! ”

Me: “Sir, I think that–”

Guy: “That’s what I’ll do… I’ll find it for free online! Better than this s***!”

(A young woman nearby is listening and speaks up.)

Woman: “Yeah, you can find it online, for free.”

Guy: “Really, where? Tell me!”

Woman: “L****party.org.” (Warning: This is a disturbing porn site that I would not recommend viewing.)

Guy: “Thanks!” *turns back to me, smirking* “Ha, guess I won’t be spending any money on this s***!”

Me, to the girl: “That… was awesome.”

Woman: “Well, an a**hole like that deserves it. I figured that you couldn’t tell him that without getting fired.”

(The young woman gets a free gift card; that guy never comes back. I still wonder what went through his mind when the site popped up.)

(I work at a restaurant that has two different sides to it: a fine dining side, and a casual side. I work at the casual side. One day at work, a very confused woman calls.)

Me: “Hi! Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, is this the fine dining side?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is the grille and bar side. Would you like the number to our fine dining section?”

Customer: “No, I like the casual side more.”

Me: “Oh, good.”

Customer: “So can I have the number for the casual side?”

Me: “This is the casual side, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, but I would like the number. The fine dining aspect doesn’t fit well with my family.”

Me: “Okay, well, this is the casual side. Whatever number you dialed is our number, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t like fine dining! Give me the number to your casual side!”

Me: “This is our casual side. You have our number because you dialed it.”

Customer: “I DON’T LIKE F***ING FINE DINING! I JUST WANT THE NUMBER TO THE CASUAL SIDE. IS THAT SO HARD? I’M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR DINNER!” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

(The zoo sells these SpongeBob ice creams with gumball eyes. I overhear this mother telling her young son eating one outside one of the restaurants…)

Mom: “Oh look honey, when you licked his balls you got stuff all over your face!”

Me: “Thank you for calling *** business customer service. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Where y’all at, India?!”

Me: “No sir, I’m in Maine.”

Customer: “Maine? Where the h***’s that?”

Me: “Northern New England, sir.”

Customer: “England, I thought you sounded funny.”

(Note I have a VERY slight New England accent and this guy sounded like a Southern good ol’ boy).

Me: “No, NEW England sir, northeastern United States.”

Customer: “Oh, up in Canada then! Well you done learned English pretty good I guess!”

Me: “…”

Related:
Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Inns and Suites, how may I help you tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, my plane was delayed, so I need to cancel my reservation in Vegas and get a room here.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Let me look that up for you.”

(I take his information, call the hotel, and talk them into canceling the reservation even though their policy said he should have had to pay for it because of the short notice. I put in the extra effort because I felt bad for the guy.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ve taken care of that and made you a new reservation at a hotel there. Your total for the room is going to be $89.”

Customer: “But my flight was delayed and I had to cancel my other reservation. My stay should be free!”

Me: “Well, you’ll have to check with the airline. They should pay for all or part of your hotel stay.”

Customer: “They told me you’d pay for it.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why they would have told you that. The airline is responsible for the delay. We are not and we can’t give you a free stay. You’re going to have to talk to them.”

Customer: “Look, you’re going to give me a f****ing free night in the f****ing hotel here. You have to. My flight was canceled.”

Me: “Sir, I have to ask you not to curse at me. I will terminate the call.”

Customer: “Look, b****–” *click*

(I received five or six hang up calls in the next 30 minutes, which I assume were his attempts to get another agent. Unfortunately for him, I was the only person working after midnight. I no longer felt bad for him.)

(I was waiting in line and overheard a conversation between the customer in front of me and postman at the front counter.)

Customer:  ”I need to ship this package out.”

Postman: “Okay, would you like to upgrade this to priority shipping?”

Customer: “No, I just want to send this by regular mail.  I don’t need anything else or any other services.”

Postman: “Okay, that’ll be $10.00 for the shipping. Do you need any stamps today?”

Customer: “No! No stamps, no certified mail, no post office box, no passport. I just need to ship this package out–that’s it. Did I miss anything?!”

Postman, without skipping a beat: “Do you need any money orders today, ma’am?”

(Everyone else waiting in line including myself dies laughing.)