Me: “Hi, welcome to [coffee shop]. How can I help you?”

Regular customer: “Hey buddy!”

Me: “How are ya today? The usual?”

Regular customer: “Nope, I cut back on my sugar. I no longer take eight.”

Me: “Oh. What can I get you, then?”

Regular customer: “I’ll get a large with seven and three quarters sugar.”

(I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)

Customer: *writes down age 7*

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”

Customer: *makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile*

Me: “…”

Me: ”Hello, this is Dr. ***’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: ”I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!’”

Me: “… a guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and explain to her the situation.  She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

Caller: “The swing set was delivered yesterday, and… it’s fine, but I need instructions.”

Me: “No problem, I’ll email them to you right now. Are you missing anything from your shipment? If you are, let me know and I can get those right out for you.”

Caller: “Um, no. I’m not missing anything, but I do have one question.”

Me: “Sure, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Well, I got the swing set and… well… thank you for the added accessory, but where do I put it? I mean, how do I attach it to the set?”

Me: “Which accessory, sir?”

Caller: “The toilet seat.”

Me: “The what?!”

Caller: “Yeah, and I just want to know how I attach it to the swing set?”

Me: “Um, ok. First of all, you don’t put toilet seats on your child’s swing set. Secondly, that wasn’t in your shipment from us. The trucking company must have gotten some boxes mixed up.”

Caller: “Ooooooohh…” *speaking to someone off the phone* “HEY JOE! Don’t open that box! That toilet seat isn’t ours! It doesn’t go on the set!”

(I would just like to state for the record that “toilet seat” and “swing set” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.)

(We have a lot of patriotic displays up in the store windows for the 4th of July: flags, red white and blue balloons, Uncle Sam hats, etc.)

Old lady 1: “Wow, look at all of these! It’s Christmas in July.”

Old lady 2: “I love it when they do this. I love crazy things like Christmas in July!”

(I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)

Coworker: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just need a minute to decide.”

Coworker: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”

(The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)

Customer, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”

Customer, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”

Coworker: “Alright, go ahead…”

Customer: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”

Customer: *drives off without ordering anything*

Library patron: “I’ve donated a lot of books over the years. So, from now on I’d like all my requests for free, please.”

(Requests to transfer books from one library branch to another cost $1 per time.)

Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any policy to do that.”

Library patron: “I’ve donated so many books over the years I think this is a special case! I should be given free requests and fines.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not something you’ll be able to do. A lot of people donate books and we don’t give them free requests and fines.”

Library patron: “But I’ve been supporting the library with all these donations I’ve been giving. I deserve something in return!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the word donation implies you expect nothing in return… otherwise, it’s not a donation.”

Library patron: *lightbulb goes on* “Oh…”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a Coke.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we make smoothies here. Have you looked at our menu?”

Customer: “You don’t have any Coke?”

Me: ”No, sir. Just fruit drinks.”

Customer: ”Oh. Well, I’ll have a coffee then.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t serve coffee here. Just smoothies.”

Customer: “What kind of drink shop is this?! I come in here trying to get a drink, and you don’t have anything!”

Me: ”We’re a smoothie shop, sir. What kind of fruit do you like?”

Customer: “I HATE FRUIT!” *storms out of the store*

(This is an adult store in Los Angeles. Enter a fat, balding guy in his 40s.)

Guy: “Hello, Miss.”

Me: “Good morning.”

Guy: “Do you have any–HOLY ****! You’re a girl!”

Me: “I am?”

Guy: “Shouldn’t you be at home, getting ready for your husband, cooking or something?”

Me: “I burn salads. My WIFE tends to cook more.”

Guy: “Holy ****! You’re a heathen!”

Me: “Doom upon me. What was it you wanted?”

Guy: “Whatever. Got any Bibles?”

Me: “???”

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a Whopper, two large fries, and a shake.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell those here. Burger King is next door.”

Customer: “OH!”

(He walks into my dining room and promptly returns to the counter. He appears slightly confused.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah! I thought you said Burger King was next door.”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

(I proceed to walk with him back to the dining room and point next door.)

Me: “If you come back this way and go through our side exit, you can walk right over to Burger King.”

Customer: “OH!”

(I follow him back to the area near the side door and point him in that direction. He appears to be on his way to a Whopper, two fries and a shake when I hear our restroom door open and close. Sure enough, moments later he appears at my counter again.)

Customer: “Why did you send me to the bathroom?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Please follow me.”

(I escort the gentleman out the side door and tell him Burger King is next door.)

Customer: “OH! Thank you!”

(He starts walking toward the front of both my building and Burger King. I feel confident he is going to get there. I was wrong. He walks around my building and through the parking lot, and is last seen heading towards an empty lot and the railroad tracks.)